


I Imagine

by Pocketism



Series: I Imagine [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Best Friends, Brotp, Clarke Griffin & Raven Reyes Friendship, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Nontu, Slow Build, Slow Burn, slight canon AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-04-30 07:29:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 59,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14491899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pocketism/pseuds/Pocketism
Summary: "Good news is...only a hundred more years and this station can just hop right on down."Teddy. Teddy makes me smile when everything seems awful. He always says the right thing at the right time and says it exactly how I want to hear it. Mostly because Teddy isn't real. I look up and it's almost like double-vision. In one eye I can see a teenager with curly blonde hair and blue eyes with a goofy grin and in the other I see nothing. He's my...imaginary friend...I think I remember reading in a book once. Maybe he's my way of coping with reality.AU Clarke's method of coping involves a friend as she wants a real friend to be. Canon compliant until later.





	1. I Imagine It To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy. Teddy makes me smile when everything seems awful. He always says the right thing at the right time and says it exactly how I want to hear it. Mostly because Teddy isn't real. I look up and it's almost like double-vision. In one eye I can see a teenager with curly blonde hair and blue eyes with a goofy grin and in the other I see nothing. He's my...imaginary friend...I think I remember reading in a book once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first 100 fanfiction. It will eventually diverge into more of my own story but it will follow the show for the most part with added or deleted scenes.
> 
> I do not own The 100 in any form, if I did Lexa would still be alive. Still mad about it. The only thing I own are my own characters that will show up as planned, Teddy is first. 
> 
> I'm separating this story into parts instead of one long story, just to make it more bearable and so the people who came here for the ships don't hate me.

 I dream about the Ground, the dream...with bright flowers I don't always remember the name of...fresh unrecycled air I can really breathe in...trees as far as I can see. I like to draw them as I hope them to be and how I remember them from history books. Nobody remembers what really happened to the Earth, not really. To my knowledge bombs went off and it made the planet uninhabitable.

 I sigh as I touch up the drawing I'm carving into the floor.

 " _Good news is...only a hundred more years and this station can just hop right on down."_

Teddy. Teddy makes me smile when everything seems awful. He always says the right thing at the right time and says it exactly how I want to hear it. Mostly because Teddy isn't real. I look up and it's almost like double-vision. In one eye I can see a teenager with curly blonde hair and blue eyes with a goofy grin and in the other I see nothing. He's my...imaginary friend...I think I remember reading in a book once. Maybe he's my way of coping with reality. The real difference being that in what I've read children's imaginary friends are colorful and oblong and insanely out of place. But I see Teddy and I think he looks like anybody else.

 I think he looks like me. Maybe it's a twisted form of narcissism.

 My cell door is thrust open and I jump at the sound, two guards come in and call me by me inmate number. They're strict on crime in the Ark. Anything can get you thrown in lockup or floated...most crimes committed by kids are for life until death once they turn eighteen. I stand and face the wall, I can see Teddy copying me out of the corner of my eye, he looks back at me and grins.

  _"Better news still...you're not eighteen."_ He winks and suddenly I can't see him anymore. _"Reality blows."_ I hear him moving behind me, I almost smile.

 They open a box with bracelets I've never seen before and ask me to take off my father's watch. I refuse. They demand me into motion and again I refuse, pulling my arm away from their tight fingers. Teddy is suddenly beside me. _"Fight it."_ I do. It's not my time yet and I'm not ready to die. I shove one of the guards into the wall as I make a break for the door. _"Yeah! Kick somebody!"_ Teddy is cheering behind me and I force myself to remember that this is serious.

 "Clarke!" I feel relief and dread wash through me as I see my mother, Teddy watches her approach with a sneer. _"Don't trust what she says Clarke...they're trying to kill us...to make more time for the others!"_ I don't want to believe him as I let my mom hug me. He wasn't real so there was no _us_ and he wouldn't feel it when the last gasp of breath left my lungs. He looked hurt at my thought and I wanted to say I was sorry. Maybe it would hurt him...maybe it would hurt worse knowing he was never real and I made up the perfect friend just to have him erased and nobody ever knowing.

 "It's not an execution Clarke. You're being sent to the ground."

 She sounds hopeful...like this will be better than being floated but to me it feels the same. Teddy shakes his head. I never made him to look so angry. I know the ground isn't safe, my anxiety flips into overdrive and suddenly Teddy is gone and I have to face _this_ reality alone. It feels like part of my soul is being torn away...like when my dad died. "You have to be careful Clarke, I can't lose you too." She cups my face in her hands and I sob before something sharp hits my back. I realize it's a tranquilizer dart and I feel an acute sense of betrayal and hurt that my mom thought she needed that for me.

 "You get to go to Earth Clarke." She whispers to me before everything fades.

* * *

 I dream about trees. Not like the small ones they grow on the Ark. No these trees are so tall I can hardly see the tops of them. "Cool isn't it?" Teddy is back. He always will so long as I can think straight. He looks at me through blonde curls and I remember why I called him Teddy to begin with...his hair looked so soft it reminded me of the stuffed animal. I never knew if it was though. I imagine it to be and so it looks that way. I take him in as he stands beside me...long limbs, dimples in his cheeks as he grins down at me, I imagine he'd wear simple clothes because at his core I imagine him to be simple and kind and _whole_. Maybe he's who I want to be someday. "I think it'll be okay." He pauses and looks up. "You don't remember things when you're small yunno...maybe you won't remember crashing." He looks back at me and smiles.

 "Really inspiring."

 He shrugs and rocks back on his heels before leaning onto his toes. "Life is hard Clarke. If you do survive it'll be even harder on the ground. I will never lie to you." He tucks his fingers into his pockets. "The first of many lessons...the truth is hard but it _is_ at least the truth." He offers another shrug. I didn't imagine him to be this pessimistic so maybe this is my own subconscious telling me something deeper. It has to be. "Either way it goes," he reaches out and wraps an arm around my shoulders. I pretend it's real and warm and comforting and everything I need right _now_. "It's you and me against the world...whether the world knows it or not." 

 This is what I imagine having a big brother feels like. 

* * *

 I wake up in the dropship mid-descent. The first thing I see is Teddy beside me looking at all the others until he looks back at me. _"Here I thought you were gonna sleep the whole trip away. This is when it gets crazy."_ He looks away from me again and I take in my surroundings. These are kids just like me...scared, hopeless, hopeful, and lost all at once. Moving my arm makes a twinge of pain shoot up it and I hiss, ignoring Teddy telling me to be careful.

 "Welcome back." This cannot be happening. This really may be the worst day of my life. Being sent to Earth which may still be soaked in radiation, not having my mom to help me, being a prisoner in the first place...and now _he's_ here. I can't help how my face twists into a frown.

 "Why the hell are you here? Why you?" Why _him_?

 He looks hurt and worried, I wish I cared. I really do. "I got myself arrested. I-I couldn't let you go through this alone."

 Teddy grunts in my ear and I ignore him. The dropship gives a hard shake and I'm terrified. Teddy moves closer and whispers to me, _"It's the atmosphere...we're almost home."_ His words are smooth and comforting and just like always...what I need to hear. Viewing screens crackle to life and the Chancellor is seen on all of them. He tells us about the odds of survival and that we, as criminals, are expendable. It hurts more than I want it to and not just for me. I glance at Wells to see him turn away from the monitors. The Chancellor was his father and it didn't earn him any help.

_"Hey that's good. Unbiased leaders are hard to come by."_ Teddy muses. I turn to him, trying to keep my face blank. I see him in one eye and not in the other again. I like it better when I can see him completely but I'm surrounded by people and this is not the place for us to talk. _"Or maybe it means the Earth is more hospitable than we thought."_ His eyes meet mine. _"Think about it...why would he send the only child he's_ ever _gonna have to the surface if there was no chance we'd make it."_ He's right, he always is.

 Chancellor Jaha explains where we need to go...Mount Weather. _"Sounds cozy."_ I try not to smile because this is serious and our lives are on the line. There's a body blocking my view of the screen. The Spacewalker has left his seat just to make fun of Wells and his father. What's his name again...I can't remember it. _"Flynn?"_ Teddy offers and I shake my head, they think it's because I'm annoyed. There are others trying to copy him...taking advantage of the low gravity. "You'll stay strapped in if you want to live!" They don't listen. Why would they?

 He's looking at me. "You're that traitor that's been locked in solitary for a year." He tells me this like he's letting me know my hair is blonde. I glare at him. _"Take another Spacewalk asshole."_ I have to ignore Teddy. "You're the idiot who wasted a month of oxygen on an illegal spacewalk, congratulations." Annoyance drips from every syllable but he doesn't seem to take my tone as anything to go by. "It was fun though." He raises his eyebrows expectantly. What does he want? Teddy is standing behind him and shrugs. Between the two of us we don't get people that do things just because they can. I'm not made that way and I don't imagine Teddy to be. "I'm Finn." The strange boy in front of me finally says.

 " _We don't care."_

 We hit something and it must be gravity because the ship rocks dangerously and the two boys I had told to stay in their seats are thrust against a wall and they don't move. Finn collides with a metal column and falls behind Wells and I. "Finn! Are you okay?" He doesn't answer or if he does it gets lost in the chaos of sound the other prisoners are making.

 " _I told you this is where things get crazy."_ Teddy is the only one not effected and stands calmly amidst the smoke and sparks.

 "Clarke...I need to tell you something!" I turn to Wells. I'm still furious with him. I think I may always be. "I'm so sorry I got your father arrested Clarke!" He shouts over the noise and I'm struck with the urge to hit him. "Don't talk about my father!" If it had been a moment ago I wouldn't have had to shout it in his face but it's not a moment ago and we're not on the Ark. This is real and scary and I'm more angry than I've ever been and I'm helpless to do anything about _anything_.

 "I can't die knowing you hate me!"

 "They executed my father Wells! You _knew_ that would happen...I _do_ hate you!"

 Teddy leans in and presses his hand to my knee, I cover it with mine. _"Are you sure you want to die hating your best friend?"_ He's always honest. Wells was my best friend. But Teddy is my oldest friend, the one I can always count on. Even if I do die today I'll still have him. He smiles at my train of thought and sits quietly. When the  lights flicker and the ship quakes like it's about to fall apart at the seems I imagine holding Teddy's hand so tight his fingers turn white. He just grins and I imagine he squeezes my hand back.

 Everything is suddenly silent. it's a silence I've never heard before. On the Ark there was always something humming to keep us alive. I look at Teddy and he looks back. _"We did it."_ He leans against my knees. Sometimes I can't control how I see him, sometimes he just...does things like this. Holding my hand, leaning against my back while I'm trying to read. Sometimes my imagination is just unpredictable I guess.

 I snap off my seat belts and run to check on the two boys who'd been tossed into the wall. They're crumpled like paper. I see Finn checking the other boy. "He's not breathing...Finn, is he still alive?" He looks shaken and I don't need him to tell me what I can already see on his face. One hundred already down to ninety-eight. I don't have time to process, they're going to open the doors. "We don't know what it's like out there."

 Teddy whispers in my ear. "The air could be toxic." I repeat his words as my own. The boy opening the door doesn't look alarmed or worried. "We're dead either way if it is." He was right. We'd either die out there or suffocate in here. I feel Teddy at my shoulder. _"Which is worse?"_ He's right too.

 The girl from under the floor is there...everyone is allowed one child on the Ark...sometimes not even that. She hugged the boy, she called him Bellamy. "Where's your wristband?" I didn't want to interrupt but how did he get on here without one? _"He's wearing a guard uniform...we had a stowaway."_ Teddy peers at Bellamy from behind his shoulder. _"She's that girl...Octavia Blake...they're brother and sister."_ I remember the story. How could somebody survive that way. _"Life makes champions of us all sometimes."_ He's back at my shoulder and I feel a little better for it.

 I want to tell them not to open the door but it's to late and after a blinding light forces me to close my eyes I open them to see...trees. Real live trees and grass and air so fresh it makes my breath stutter for a moment. Everything is so _green_ and I love it. Teddy bolts in front of us and jumps onto the dirt flinging his arms up in the air and I finally smile back at him. Octavia is the first of us to really get off the ship. There's a long silence before she too tosses her arms into the air. "We back bitches!" She screams into the void between the trees and finally, finally, everybody moves.

 " _I couldn't have said it better myself."_ Teddy smirks at Octavia's retreating back. Everybody else is screaming and shouting running in circles and touching the trees for the first time in their lives. This is amazing. _"We made it Clarke. We made the journey to the ground!"_ He laughs and looks up at the sky. I grin. "This is amazing." He looks back at me with bemused eyes. _"You already said that."_ Oh right. I nod. "We'll have time to talk later...they'll think I'm insane if I'm just standing here talking to you." I brush by him, he immediately follows.

  _"Who says you're not? I mean a seventeen year old with an imaginary friend? Still hurtful by the way, I am more real than most of the things these losers dream about at night."_

 "I know that." I mumble. Because Teddy to me _is_ real...he's been here to long to just _be_ imaginary. Maybe he's my conscious. I can feel him smirk at the thought. I look around and notice the damage the dropship caused on the way down. The fires are small and hopefully will go out before to long. I leave the celebration behind me, nobody wants to think about it now but I do. We need to think about survival now that we've made it.

  _"What about enjoying little victories? We survived Clarke...celebrate that!"_

 "Later. We need to have something to eat or there's no point in celebrating."

  _"You're no fun."_ He puffs his cheeks out as he walks backwards in front of me. I examine the map from the dropship. "We need to find Mount Weather. Nothing else really matters Teddy." He continues to pout. I ignore him the rest of the walk. I look up at the mountains...they're far but this looks the closest to the map as anything else I can see in the fog. I hear something shift behind me and watch Teddy glance over my shoulder. His face turns into a frown. _"Space-ass."_ He grunts when Finn stops beside me.

 "You look way to serious Princess," I continue to look at the map. "We should celebrate. We made it." He grins and offers me a look I think he intends to be charming. I just want to hit him. "Tell that to those guys who tried to follow your lead and broke their necks." I step away from him. "Maybe if you hadn't been showing off they'd still be alive." The words are meant to cut him and looking at him I see that they do. There has to be some consequence to their deaths and even if it's only me reminding him they were only copying him...it still feels a little like justice.

 "I didn't mean any harm." Finn gives me a look that tells me he does feel guilty. Teddy whispers to me that he should. Finn gives me strange look when I turn my head to glance at Teddy but then trudges forward, still trying to talk to me. "It bothers you being called Princess, doesn't it...Princess?" Ignoring him is harder than Ignoring Teddy, he'll stop talking because I want him to...but Finn is real and annoying me. I nod to the peak of the mountains through the fog and forest. "See that peak?" He nods. "There's a forest soaked in radiation that did who-knows-what to the wildlife between us...and our next meal. Sorry if I don't feel like celebrating."

  _"Carefully selected our location my ass."_ Teddy grunts, he tosses a rock towards the forest.

* * *

 Back at the dropship I make a path on the map towards Mount Weather. Not knowing the terrain will make this harder but I have to start somewhere. _"The beginning is sometimes harder than the end."_ I nod. "Trying to gain momentum." I mumble back. Starting something is hard especially here where there's over ninety excited teenagers, no adults, and no rules. How do you convince people that what the Chancellor said is actually in their best interest? "How do I start?" I don't look up when I ask him.

 His shoulder is warm against mine. _"Carefully...with one foot in front of the other. Jumping straight in may be what's best for these ones though."_

 He's right. These are delinquents...where I prefer rules to help me know where the line in the sand is these people thrive with reckless and wild behavior. they act on base impulse. I've never known what that felt like except trying to get away from those guards...that was today...it feels like a lifetime ago already. I can either be the voice of reason nobody wants or I can do this on my own. _"Not alone."_

 Wells walks down the ramp and drops down beside me. "Communications are down. I went to the roof to see if I could do anything but there's a dozen panels missing and the heat from the landing fried the wires." He looks lost and expectant. I glance at Teddy who nods in encouragement. _Do you really want to die hating your best friend?_ But I'm not dead...and I'm still angry, I always will be but I need somebody on my side. Maybe we can figure out how to be okay again one day. He's trying. I show him the map and tell him we need to get to the mountain.

 He asks where I learned how to navigate it like that. I barely look at him before I feel more anger and sadness. I miss my dad.

 Another boy shows up and makes a joke about a bar. Wells grabs his arm and pushes him away, I see Teddy behind him as if he is the one moving him instead. "Lay off Wells. He's with us." I remember Murphy. He doesn't really care about anybody but himself. I heard his father was floated and afterwards his mother drank herself to death but there's only a small chance it could be true, people like to twist stories around.

 "We're just trying to figure out where we are." Wells holds up his hands to placate the crowd of boys behind Murphy. "We're on the ground? What about that isn't good enough for you?" Bellamy calls. How long had he been listening. "It isn't about good enough, you heard my father's message, it has supplies and food so it should be our first priority."

 Octavia looks between Wells and I. Her eyes look spiteful. "You and little Princess here aren't in charge." I shake my head. "Being in charge doesn't matter, Wells is right, we need that food and whatever supplies are in Mount Weather. This doesn't have to be harder than it's already going to be." It's true. Nobody wants to think about the future and how we are gonna _live_ down here.

 "How about you and Wells go. Let somebody else do the hard work for a change." Bellamy gives me a blank stare. he doesn't care about survival, not yet. "We need to go...we don't know anything about what happened to the life here from the radiation. We know there's no more people but what about the animals and the weather?" Wells keeps trying.

 " _Waste not, want not."_ Teddy looks at me from beside Wells. _"Or maybe it's_ Need _not, want not to these guys."_

 Murphy shoves Wells to the dirt and just when it looks like they're really about to fight...Finn drops in from above, he must have been resting on the wall of the dropship. He stands between them and doesn't move. Murphy looks nervous now. "You're gonna fight the kid with one good leg right now? Wait until it's a fair fight and then we can see what you're made of."

 There's a deafening silence as Murphy glares at Finn who still refuses to move. Octavia breaks the tension by asking him to save her next time. I look to Teddy. _"She's been under the floor most of her life I don't think she's seen many boys."_ He has a point. I step forwards to see if Wells needs help because I still need someone on my side. Wells' ankle seems like it's just sprained, he'll be okay soon enough. I hear footsteps behind us and stand up to see Finn. _"This guy again?"_ Teddy stands behind him and makes faces Finn can't see.

 My subconscious is clearly telling me I don't like this guy.

 He offers to join in going to Mount Weather. "We'll be back soon with food okay?" Wells looks dubious. "You two are gonna go twenty-eight miles and bring back food for a hundred people?" Teddy freezes before relaxing, shaking his head. _"Ninety-nine...Bellamy snuck on so we already had a hundred and one."_ He grins as he sits beside Wells. I have to ignore him. Finn grabs the two boys who had been asking about the map and a bar earlier. "Now there were four. Is that better?" I nod. Octavia comes over. "Make it five." I only look at her. _"It must be hard going through teenage rebellion so fast."_ Teddy looks at her with mock sympathy.

 Finn's wristband looks like he's been tampering with it. "Were you trying to take it off?" He nods and shrugs. "So what?" I give him a look of disappointment, but not surprise...these are 'criminals' after all. "It tells the people on the Ark we're still alive." I know they don't care but I can see my mom worrying over my safety...even a million miles away and I can't bring myself to take away the only connection I have to let her know I'm okay. _"These kids don't have that Clarke."_ I know.

 "It tells them we're still alive...do you really want the people you love to think you're dead when they come down in two months? Because they won't if we start taking them off, they'll stay up there and wait another hundred years and by then who'll be left to come down?" Teddy was right about honesty, it's hard but it is at least the truth. Finn looks guilty and nods. "Let's get going." I pick up the map as we start out.

 Octavia falls into step beside me as I sling an empty pack over my shoulders. "Just so you don't get the wrong idea, Finn is mine." She mumbles to me. Teddy is walking ahead of me and turns with a frown. _"Just so you don't get the wrong idea...I don't give a shit about Space-ass."_ He hisses. "Have at him." I offer instead. I have to hope there's no real dangers but we have no way of knowing.

 " _We could make a map."_ That's a good idea.

* * *

 I stop to look at several flowers. They are even more beautiful than I'd imagined. I memorize every detail of them to draw later, I want to pick one. _"It'll die."_ I leave it alone and turn to the others. I ask them to keep up. Finn sighs. "How can you ignore all of this." He gestures to the forest with an amazed grin. I give him a blank look. "Why haven't we seen any animals? It's been a couple miles already and I think...maybe there are no animals left and the radiation killed them all and we've already been exposed to enough of it to kill us too." I turn and keep walking.

 Teddy falls into step beside me. _"It is super pretty though."_ I smile.

 " _Clarke!"_ We see it at the same time, we have to. _"Get down...we'll scare it if it sees us."_ He always talks like that...he didn't use to. Now everything is both of us and I so badly want him to be real. He gives me a bittersweet smile before looking back at the...I've seen this in the classes we had on survival on the Ark...I think it's called a deer. _"It has antlers. It's a male...buck."_ Teddy fills in my blanks. It's the first real animal I've ever seen and it's more beautiful than I had pictured it would be.

 I wave to the others and they crouch down beside me just as amazed as Teddy and I are. Finn creeps forward and accidentally steps on a stick that snaps while trying to get closer, when the deer hears and looks up I wish we'd never bothered it. That face was never in the pictures I saw...it was never how I pictured anything on Earth to be.

 It has two faces, they split at what would have been the left eye. It's eye socket is red and swollen and looks like it's so painful to even just be. The other face is small and warped with a twisted mouth. This must be what's happened because of the radiation. We all flinch backwards before it takes off into the trees in the opposite direction. _"Holy shit."_

 "It's the long term effects...radiation." I try and get my words around the lump in my throat. That was terrifying. I still think it would be good to draw what I saw...to never forget it.

* * *

 Miles later the others are talking about why they sent us down now and if we should care or not care. I stay behind the others to make sure we don't lose track of where we're going and so I can pay attention to Teddy when he talks to me, looking at somebody who isn't there may ring some alarms in my companions heads. Teddy wraps an arm around my shoulder. I see it and I don't. "The Ark is dying, to fast to keep up with, they'll be running out of time in about three months and then life support will fail." I repeat Teddy's words as he says them to me as we walk by the others who stopped to look at me. That must be shock on their faces.

 "It might be four months now that a hundred of us are gone." The secret I got locked up for...what dad died for. "That's why they put you in the Sky Box and floated your old man?" Finn falls into step with me and Teddy is suddenly on my other side. I want to tell him not to talk about my father, that I found his question disrespectful but what would be the point? I don't really think he'd care.

 "My dad was the one who found the flaw. He wanted everybody to know because he thought people should know the truth." I explain sadly, I miss my dad and he was right...everybody had the right to know they were on borrowed time. "The Chancellor disagreed and so did my mother. They said it would cause to much panic, I was going to help him tell the truth because even though the truth is hard it's still the truth and they had the right to know it. Then Wells..." I leave it and he knows the rest.

 "I say float 'em all." Octavia snarls at me and struts by, Jasper following her and insisting she doesn't mean it but I know she does. Being forced to live under the floor just for being born would make anyone bitter. I get her anger but it doesn't make the idea of seeing my mom suffocating to death in a few months any less painful. Finn put a hand on my arm and I look at him. "We have to find a way to warn them Clarke." I blink is surprise. My heart twists. "That's what my father said too." I turn away.

  _"Can we even send them a message from down here? How would we do it?"_ I don't want to hope I can still fulfill my father's last wish. I couldn't stand it if it failed again. _"But...shouldn't we try?"_ I shake my head to clear it and ignore him again. I feel him fade into background noise. Wanting to do the right thing for the right reasons is noble and ultimately right but if it gets you locked in prison and sentenced to death then when does the right thing become the wrong thing?

 " _Toeing the line of right and wrong never ends well Clark."_ I can hear him but he's in the background now.

 I bump into Jasper's back as he gawks at Octavia stripping her clothes. "I love Earth." I hear him grin. This girl has zero impulse control I get why but she needs to learn some restraint or she could end up hurt. _"Maybe we have to much Impulse control."_ Teddy whispers. Maybe but it'll keep me alive. "Octavia you don't know what's in that water!" I call to her, she glances back with a glare over her shoulder before jumping in. That water could be acidic under the radiation for all we know. I run out first, I'm panicking a little.

 She peers up at us, nose deep in the water. it's not acidic and she's not hurt and I grin because this too is amazing and I want to dive in after her but, "Uh we can't swim." Monty finishes my thought. Octavia lifts her head out of the water. "We can stand though." She rises until the water reaches her bellybutton, all smiles. She's never felt this free because she's never been free. I feel upset for her and happy all at once. At least she can have this small thing.

 Teddy is back, looking further down the water. "There's no river here on the map." He looks back at me and I repeat his words again. Finn shrugs off his jacket. "Now there is one so try taking off your clothes." I don't appreciate his phrasing but I've never been in fresh water or in a river or on Earth. I start to take off the backpack when I see it. Just down the way...there's a ripple in the water. It moves along the current. That's not supposed to happen. "Octavia get out of the water." I can't look away from it.

  _"Water's never looked so menacing."_ Teddy leans over the edge of the small cliff and peers into the water. It's true. The ripple parts and there's a shadow slithering through the river bed. Octavia doesn't move fast enough and suddenly she's ripped under the water and out of sight with a short scream. It's pulling her along and between the sputtering screams we're at a loss of what to do.

 Teddy sits beside a loose rock and nods to me. "Help me push this in! If we can distract it there's a chance it'll let her go!" I hope beyond hope this works as we shove the heavy rock into the water. By some miracle or another it releases her and Jasper jumps into the water down the shore to help her out. It only just misses them as they crawl out of the river. There's a nasty gash on Octavia's leg and I rip a piece of Jasper's shirt to make a bandage so she doesn't loose anymore blood. "Water's never been so menacing." I breathe and Octavia chuckles while hugging her rescuer in gratitude.

* * *

 It rains that night, and it is glorious. I've never seen it or felt it or smelled it in my whole life and it's even better because it's real. I laugh with the others, but not just because it's raining. Teddy is whipping around between the trees and singing. He shares my joy and excitement. I have to much control to follow him so I let him be free the way I can't.

 I dream of the Ark. I see a boy with blonde curls who can't be much older than ten being sent away. I see my mother saying the words, "May we meet again." I see the boy's face turn to rage. "May we not." He hisses back.

 I dream of the forest again. It's just me and Teddy, sitting on a moss covered rock. He's winding flowers together in his lap. "You can do this Clarke." He assures me. He feels my anxiety about where we are and what we're doing. "How am I going to keep going if they don't make it down here?" I say what I'm to scared to admit may be a reality if they don't. "How am I going to make it without mom?" He finishes his project and holds up a crown of purple and pink flowers and rests it atop my head. "Sometimes all you can do is just keep moving." He wraps me in a tight hug and it feels real, I choke back tears and lean against his shoulder.

 I wake up slowly, it's still dark. the first thing I see are the stars. Teddy is sitting beside me, arms looped around his knees casually. He always looks like he belongs. "Teddy?" I whisper, leaning up on my hands. he glances at me with a smile before looking back at the forest. It's dark and a layer of fog clings to the ground. I've never seen anything more beautiful. _"Let's lose some impulse control."_ He whispers back. I turn to see Octavia and the others still sleeping peacefully. I grin and follow Teddy into the trees.

 "It's so beautiful." I brush my fingers along the bark of the trees. "It's better than I imagined it to be, isn't it?" I meet his eyes and he beams. _"So much better."_ He agrees. _"You can draw all of this in person now Clarke. You can sit in the grass and draw wildflowers for hours now. It's all possible."_ He's right but I still know we have to reach Mount Weather before we starve. I follow him back to the river, carefully I cup the water in my hands and take a long sip. It's amazing.

  _"We're not gonna die if we drink this right?"_ Teddy toes the water carefully. _"Or grow extra body parts like that deer?"_ He whips his head around to look at me with mock panic. _"Clarke we don't have the face for two heads! We're to_ pretty _!"_ He whispers the last words and I laugh. I feel better. He always helps. "I'm glad I have somebody." I whisper, afraid to wake the others still as we head back to the others. _"I'll always be here Clarke."_

 I know it.

 "Who're you talking to?" I jump at Finn's voice to my left and turn to see hi watching me curiously. I shake my head. "Nobody, I'm just going over plans to myself. We have to set out in a few hours." He seems to believe me as he smirks and steps over to me. "You don't really have an off button do you?" I don't think he hears how rude that sounds. I ignore it and shake my head. "No, not really. Goodnight." I leave him there and lie back down with the others.

 The stars are beautiful.

* * *

 Hours later we're all awake, all still hungry but we're not thirsty anymore so that must count for something. The only way to Mount Weather is across the river and we can't go through it due to a giant river snake. Jasper and Finn suggest swinging across on a rope made of vines, nobody else has any better ideas so we can only help them. They look nervous but the rope is thick enough so it should hold. _"Best hopes."_ Teddy is standing just under them beside the brush and gives me a thumbs up. I ignore him.

 They whisper to each other before Jasper glances at Octavia and decides he wants to be the hero again today and decides to go across first. He looks terrified but is trying not to show it. Finn whispers something to him and his grip tightens on the rope. he grins at us. "I'll see you on the other side. Let's do this!" He takes the first leap of faith and sails through the air to the opposite bank of the river.

 Jasper flies the last few feet after letting go of the rope. We cluster together, worried and ready to swing across to help him. He suddenly jumps up and realizes he made it and shouts. We join him in his cheers. We can do this. We can really survive down here. I glance at Teddy who is hollering Jaspers name and he looks back to me. _"Life makes champions of us all."_ He grins so wide I see the dimples in his cheeks.

 Jasper cheers me on now as I get ready to take the next swing, Teddy at my shoulder. The teenager picks up a sign he finds on the side of the rocks. He hoists it up and cheers. "Mount Weather!" He grins. We're on the right track and this is the happiest I've felt since Teddy made me laugh last night. This is a new adventure...I am on the ground and I can do this. I can help my people and survive and show my mom it's safe to come down. We can really do this.

 All it takes is a moment, we all see it to late.

 A spear pierces Jasper's shoulder and he collapses like a puppet against the trees behind him from the force.

 What just happened? Where did it come from? We turn to the trees before looking back, he already looks dead but I can see him twitching as he stares at his chest in shock. I just hope we can reach him in time. We scramble down the rocks and take cover. Teddy looks into the trees above us. _"The_ only _thing that could make a weapon and throw it like that is a person."_ He turns to me, eyes dark and his lips in a thin line.

 "We're not alone." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I did okay, most of this will be just Clarke's POV.
> 
> No Teddy is not a real person just in case it wasn't clear. He is Clarke's way of coping with parts of her reality. His speech isn't in italics in dreams because Clarke isn't awake. I have had this idea since season 3 started. I'd post this to Fanfiction.net but I want something to expand being able to write.
> 
> I haven't written in years so if something seems redundant let me know, I haven't posted a story in an even longer amount of time.
> 
> ~Pocketism


	2. There Must Be Something In The Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll try not to do every episode and just get in more important moments but how Clarke interacts and responds with Teddy in her ear and how she handles this world are important so hopefully you can bear with me. I'll be doing the format a little different so it's easier to read what people are saying, sorry about that.
> 
> I still don't own The 100 but I do own Teddy.  
> Happy readings!

I can hardly breathe through the panic. Just like the landing of the drop ship I feel the dread curl around my heart and squeeze until I'm almost choking trying to get a single breath into my lungs. Teddy is crouching just in front of me on the rocks, his side facing me. His clothes are different now, it almost looks like a guard uniform with a dark jacket and cargo pants with black boots. I imagine him being someone who can keep me safe and I feel a little better but not by much. He turns to me, calm in the face of my internal panic.

_"We have to move, now."_   Jasper is still across the river. _"We have to come back for him later, we cannot fight this with just four people."_   He's right. His words are my own. Monty disagrees immediately.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "You saw what happened when he got hit with that spear and that was from across the river. We have to go and come back later, get others, warn them."

I can't breath right. I don't think any of us can we've never been in a race for our lives where we couldn't be caught and didn't know the terrain. We backtrack as best we can. I pause only for a moment to look back, Finn grabs my arm and urges me onward. I see Teddy beside me jumping over fallen trees and rushing just as fast as we are, leaving no shoe prints in the mud and dirt. I have never had to run for my life like this and I hardly know how to process it. The Ark was different I could have been reviewed at eighteen. This was...agony.

 Complete              

               Burning             

                           Agony

I've never known pain like this. I never want to know it again. We finally stop when Monty trips over something. Teddy looms over my shoulder.  _"Someone."_   They're bones. They look human for the most part but they can't be. I lift a skull from the dirt. The crown is warped and swollen for a deformation it looks like they were born with. It has human teeth and a nose cavity so it was definitely human. 

"This must be the radiation..." I look to the others and they're even more scared now.

There's a scream and I act on impulse. "Jasper!" I run back the way we came, my lungs feel like they're dipped in acid but I don't care. He needs our help even if we are out numbered. I can't let him think we abandoned him. I don't have that in me, not when we've all been abandoned down here. Fin makes a grab for my arm and I dodge it in my hurry to get back to the river. He eventually catches up and pulls my arm. 

"Stay behind the trees." He urges quietly and I see the reason behind them. We don't know this enemy and there's only four of us. 

 The opposite bank of the river is empty, whoever...whatever is out there...it took him.  _"He could still be alive Clarke."_   Teddy rests a hand on my shoulder and I hope he's right.

* * *

 We decide to go with our first plan. Go back to the ship and re-group then come back for Jasper. It was true that Jasper could be dead by then but he was ours. Ours to bury and mourn if he was dead. We couldn't leave him. It's chaos when we get back, more so than when we landed. There are now makeshift camps and fires burning, but what startles me is the fight we intrude on.

_"Look at Wells, going crazy."_   Teddy circles Wells and Murphy casually. _"I did warn you."_   He turns to me and I ignore him as I storm up to Wells.

"Let him go." I know everyone is watching and I don't care. We're not uncivilized wild people. We're supposed to be above this. Aren't we?

 Wells looks scared at himself, like he's surprised he could do this at all. He was always gentle. He pushes Murphy away and doesn't flinch when Bellamy holds the furious teenager back from trying again. I don't think I can survive in a world without laws. I meet Teddy's eyes over Wells' shoulder. I don't think _we_ can. Before I can process the changes made during the day we were gone Bellamy demands to know what happened and where the food is.

 Finn sits and calmly tells him we didn't make it to the mountain. Bellamy again asks what happened.

 "We were attacked." I try to sound less afraid than I am. I feel Teddy behind me. "There are people out there."

 " _Turns out there was never a last man from Earth dying on the Ark."_ Teddy quips.

"There are Grounders still here." I say instead. "But the good news is if they can survive down here for ninety-seven years then we can make it too." It feels better knowing the radiation won't kill us. That there's still something we can learn about our past...if only they were less...violent.

 "Bad news- the Grounders will." Finn mutters. I ignore him, trying to see the positive in this.

 I had been so worried about the radiation and the wildlife and how we were going to just live. Shouldn't we be happy knowing it's at all possible to begin with now that we're here? It all looks less hopeless to me. If we can figure out who they are and where they are we can make it down here. We have to. Teddy circles me slowly with a small smile. His clothes have returned to a simple white shirt and dark pants with boots. I'm no longer in immediate danger so I don't imagine him to be the protector I need.

"Where's the other kid? With the goggles?" Wells finally asks after a beat of silence. I explain that he was taken and Wells frowns in worry. I notice his wristband is gone and when I ask him he glares at Bellamy and tells me to ask him instead.

 "How many did you take off?" I stare him down. Teddy stands behind him with a look that says he'd hold him down if he could. "Twenty-four and counting." Murphy answers for him with a smug smile. There's a short silence.

"You really are idiots. The Ark is dying, that's why we were sent down. They need to know it's okay and we need them for whoever is out there because we cannot do this on our own. You are killing us all by taking them off." I raise my voice and hope someone cares enough to listen. Anybody.

 There are a few who seem to hear me and start nodding, not all of us have nobody to care for us and those are the ones I need to hear me the most. I need that support but Bellamy and his gang of-of _hell raisers_ don't give them time to think. He paints me as a spoiled princess who doesn't care about their well being and says we can protect ourselves. Maybe we can...someday. But that day isn't today and they didn't see Jasper skewered to a tree from across the river. What little momentum I had is lost now.

 I grab my bag and trudge away from them. I don't have the patience for it. _"Let's fuck shit up."_ Teddy laughs beside me.

 "Now what do we do?" Monty just wants to save his best friend and I guess I'm the only one who seems to care that he was taken so he follows me. I tell him we're going after Jasper.

* * *

 I gather supplies and shove them in my pack. It's silent inside the ship, after spending their lives indoors everyone is sick of the same old walls and old air. Teddy is silent while I work. He just watches me. I like the silence...I need it. The movements become methodical and it's everything I can do not to break down in tears. I appreciate his quiet...he knows I do because I want him to know. When I can't take it anymore and push my palms into my eyes he's beside me and his hand is on my knee.

 "Hey."

I take a deep breath and turn to look at Wells for just a moment before standing up. Teddy is already at the table where I put another lantern and a few other sparse supplies. I notice the cut on Wells' arm and give him a look and his lips pull tight for a moment. "It's just a scratch Clarke. I won't let it get infected. Murphy isn't as good with a knife as he wishes he were." He's trying to make me feel better.

Teddy laughs for me instead and then I _do_ feel better. I notice the bag strung across his body. "It has some stuff we can use for Jasper. Seat belts and insulation. There's a parachute I got so we can carry him back. Everything helps right?" He makes it sound so simple but it isn't. it can't be.

He's still the reason my father is dead and I can't forgive that. Not yet. Teddy gives me a look. I don't hate him...I'm just...angry. I'm angry at everything and right now it's easier to blame some of it on Wells and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. Being in the same space for a few hours and worrying about a cut that could be infected soon because we don't have antibiotics doesn't change my anger. I'm not sure if he thought it did or not.

"Give it to somebody else, you aren't coming."

"My ankle is fine." So he did think everything was back to normal.

"That's not my problem." I gather the extra seat belts into my pack and head below. "My problem is you Wells. It always will be." It's hard and I don't have to look at him to know I'd hurt him. I don't want to look at him.

Monty insists we need his help. He looks shocked and angry when I tell him he's not coming either. He's a farmer and a great engineer. We can't afford to lose him, especially if Bellamy keeps going on his...crusade. "I will bring Jasper back and you figure out how to communicate with the Ark. You're to important to have out there on this." I turn away.

" _You're the only one with medical training but you're still going."_ It feels like a betrayal when Teddy leans against the entrance of the ship and raises his eyebrows at me. I need to think better thoughts and maybe this won't happen. _"Doubts are natural Clarke."_

 Finn enters the ship and I ask him if he's ready. He scoffs at me and refuses. "Nobody should go back out there Clarke. You saw that spear. Somebody threw it with pinpoint accuracy across hundreds of feet and Jasper still went flying. It's a suicide mission. You know that I know you do."

I stare at him for a moment, taking in his dark hair and wide eyes. he's terrified. So am I but I still have to go. "Jasper is one of us. Either way we owe it to him to find him and bring him back." Looking at him I can see who he is under the bravado he presents to the others.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "Spacewalker...that's a great joke. You pretend to be this guy who can do anything but you're a coward." There's a strong urge to shove him out of my way but I move around him instead. I can't lose control of myself. Teddy follows my steps as I exit the drop ship. He's the only one I can ever count on for anything these days. He grins at me.

I see him in the dark clothes again. He's the guard I want him to be...that I need him to be.

Wells follows me out anyway I think I knew he would. Teddy's nod says I do. I need one more person. I intrude on their conversation and I only feel a little guilty. "She would be dead if Jasper hadn't gone in after her when he did." Bellamy and Octavia turn to look at us. Me. Teddy is on Bellamy's left now. Octavia wants to come but her leg is only going to get her more hurt than she already is especially if we have anymore run-ins with the Grounders.

"I'm here for you." I stare at Bellamy and he gives me a look that lets me know he thinks I'm probably crazy. Wells is suddenly taking Teddy's place and asking me what I'm doing but I don't need him for that. I don't need him to voice my doubts and insecurities because I don't know if this will work...Bellamy is unpredictable at the best of times so far.

" _He owes it to us."_   Teddy is watching Bellamy. I ignore him. _"Play on_ his _insecurities."_

I do. I tell him I know he has a gun and he shows it to me, I tell him to follow me and when he asks why he should I smile like this is the easiest thing in the world and I've done it a million times. "Because you want them to follow you. You act like a fearless leader so be one." I lean in. "They see one of us is scared." I leave it open because I'm to caught up in my head to be truly afraid right now.

His pride demands he proves himself. _"People like him will always be easy...another lesson."_ Teddy turns to meet my gaze as I pass him. He's always right.

* * *

Wells is still trying to talk me out of having them with us as we leave the edges of the new camp. I ignore him for the most part. _"Everyone is a criminal."_ Teddy supplies as we keep ahead of Bellamy and Murphy. They're trying to prove they can lead and be what the others expect them to be and I'm counting on that when things go south, because so far things have only _gone_ south since we arrived.

Teddy glances back and I catch the end of what Bellamy is saying to Murphy. He wants me to give up my wristband...they think the others will never come down if I'm dead to the Ark too. I need my mom to know I'm okay to much to give it up without a fight.

The less they know about what I know the better. I turn back to the path ahead and try to enjoy the walk. Even if Wells is here this is his first time out here and he doesn't talk to me anymore so I enjoy the silence. Teddy gives me a comforting smile when I pretend to glance at my surroundings. _"We can do this."_

It hasn't been just us since the river last night. I want to talk to him it helps me process but they already call me 'Princess' I refuse to be the crazy one too. So I remain silent. Teddy hums beside me and I enjoy the tune as we continue to the river. _"There's time for everything later."_ There always is.

The closer we get to the river the faster I move. I can hear the water now.

"What's the rush? You really think he survived a spear to the heart?" Bellamy holds up his gun as if making an example. "He screamed when they moved him, if it'd been his heart he'd already be dead." We both ignore Wells and Murphy as the latter pushes Wells away from them. I turn away to keep going but Bellamy grabs my wrist and smiles at me.

"As soon as you take this off we can go." His smile makes me sick but underneath it I can see his fear.

"What has you so scared you want them to think you're dead?" I ignore my own question and step into his personal space. "I'm only dead to the Ark when I'm dead...do we have an understanding?" He backs away a step and smirks. "You think you're really brave Princess, don't you?"

"Find your own nickname." I hated it to begin with but I'm almost relieved to see Finn striding up to us. "Split up and we'll cover more ground, Clarke come with me." I don't argue this time because right now anywhere is better than here. Teddy stares at Finn before looking at me. _"He's easy too."_

I know it. Unlike Bellamy however; I hadn't been looking for his help as a motive to bring some lawfulness to our chaos. I wanted his help because I thought he cared about his friend. I'm honestly still not sure Jasper is the reason he came along. Luckily I don't have to be alone with him. We run chances of Jasper's survival silently as we walk.

_"You're right, even hit with a spear from that distance he would already be dead if he'd been hit in the heart. We heard him scream and unless the Grounders are cannibals there's still a good shot he's alive."_

And if there isn't?

_"We hope for the best possible scenario. That we can save him or...bury him with our own when the time comes."_

Finally, after what feels like forever, Finn breaks the silence. "I was thinking about it, after you left I mean, about Mount Weather. We went up and down the bank of the river and Octavia went in the water but it wasn't until Jasper was on the other side that they attacked? Why wait?" He makes a good point. We have to consider what it means if it's true.

"The river has to mark the edge of whatever territory the mountain is in." If it's true..." _This just got a million times harder."_ Teddy groans. What's worse still is that if that's not true...they can cross at anytime and attack us too. Either way we'll be in danger. How do we handle something like this? Teddy is silent...neither of us has a real answer that will do us any good right now. _"We need more time to process Clarke."_   I know.

"If Mount Weather is off limits what are we going to do for food? We have no idea what's edible down here. Monty might be able to help us but we still need real food." I'm panicking more. _"Listen Clarke...stop and listen."_ I do as Teddy says and I hear the water clearer than I did a few miles back. I rush ahead and spot a waterfall.

"At least we don't have to worry about water." Finn smiles. He's right. We can live a little longer on just water. I walk in and start filling a bottle. Finn splashes it on his face and I'm more than annoyed when he splashes me. I glare at him. "Are you twelve? We don't have time for this, we need to find Jasper." I cap the bottle and tuck it into my pack. Finn allows himself to fall back into the small pool. Teddy splashes in the water beside me and I imagine his clothes get soaked.

"We've been out here for hours, we need a recharge. It'll be fine." Says the boy who didn't get a spear to the chest. I ignore him and fill another bottle. "I think I'm starting to get you Clarke." He watches me closely. I barely give him a second glance as I cap the bottle. "Go on." I'm not in the mood for whatever he's trying to do.

"You keep trying to help us...help Jasper...because you couldn't save your father." His words hit to close to home. Teddy splashes at him but nothing happens. I glare back at the Spacewalker. "Don't talk about my father." I say as evenly as I can. I put the bottle in my pack and look up to see Teddy standing on the other side of the river looking at something. I walk over to him, I can hear Finn follow me.

It's blood. It looks fresh. I spot something under the rocks and pull out Jasper's goggles. I really hope he left them for us to find and they didn't toss them aside as they dragged him away. Teddy leans in and touches a spatter, I copy him. The blood is still slick. He looks at me with worried eyes. _"We're almost there. We should get the others."_

* * *

Finn makes a surprisingly good tracker. If we have to...he can help us track animals for food. I know we'll have to eventually.

_"Clarke listen to that."_   Teddy moves around me and I stand up to look at him. It comes on what feels like the wind. A low holler of pain. It's desperate. It's Jasper. I tell Bellamy to take out his gun and run ahead of the group. If I had gone first this wouldn't be happening! _"Or this would be you or Finn or any of them! Try and think!"_

I know he's right but I can't help the feeling of responsibility I have of the situation and when we finally find Jasper it only gets worse. They've strapped him to a tree in a clearing. I spot what looks like poultice on his chest where the spear hit him. He has several other cuts and looks like he's ready to die at any moment. "Jasper!"

I should've thought about it more. Of course they would lay traps. Why wouldn't they? I slip into a pit filled with sharpened sticks and Bellamy grabs my wrist. I see it in his eyes that he wants to let go. He wants to be rid of me but he's struggling with if he can really go through with it or not. Teddy is almost in tears at his side screaming for Wells and Finn to help me. Bellamy doesn't get the chance to decide if he would do it because the others are here and forcing him to pull me out.

I imagine Teddy folding me in a bear hug and I feel better for a moment. My heart is still racing. _"Don't scare me like that."_ He mumbles into my ear. I can't promise him that. Clearly every day is going to be a fight for our lives. I turn back to the tree. "We have to get him down."

Finn volunteers to cut him down, he tells Wells to stay with me to watch Bellamy. They'd seen it too then. Spacewalker tells Murphy to help him and starts to climb the tree. "There's a poultice where the spear went in." I look at Wells and his eyebrows knit in confusion. "Why help him if they're just gonna string him up like live bait?" He doesn't hear the answer in his own question. Finn glances back. "Maybe we're what they're trying to catch."

Teddy rolls his eyes.

There's a sound through the trees that makes me nervous as we wait for them to help Jasper down. It seems he's passed out from the pain.

There's the sound again and we turn to see a shadow slink through the brush. It feels like the river all over again. It's a wild cat, I can't think of the name but it's coat is black and it looks either angry or hungry...maybe both. I shout for Bellamy to use his gun but Wells must've lifted it off him, he's pushing me behind him and firing. He grazes it's back but that just seems to make it worse. It slinks into the bushes around us and just when it's quiet and I hope it's lost interest...it lunges for Bellamy's exposed back.

Another gun shot and suddenly the cat is on the ground...it's dying. Wells continues to pull the trigger even after it's empty, I put my hand on his arm and he drops it. The beast stills and I feel sad for it. We came to its home and killed it. _"It'll get easier."_ I hope it does. I don't want to feel this every time we have to kill to live. Bellamy watches Wells for a moment before scoffing at him. "Now she sees you."

What does that mean? I turn to Teddy, hoping he can somehow know the answer. He shrugs. _"Boys will be boys."_ He offers.

* * *

It's dark by the time we make it back to camp. With no way to tell the time I don't know it's already the next day or just late in the one but none of that matters. Monty meets us outside the ship. I hold the makeshift door out of the way as Wells and Finn carry him inside. "Get me boiling water and strips of cloth, as fast as you can." I give him an expectant look and he nods. I ignore Murphy and Bellamy carrying in the wild cat for us to eat.

"Who's hungry?" I hear him shout and there are shouts and some chants of his name. His eyes find mine and I can't tell if he thinks I made his position better or worse because now they want him in charge and I know what kind of person he is. If he thinks he can be any better than Jaha or any Chancellor before him then I wish him luck. _"He has a long road ahead of him."_ Teddy follows me inside.

I tend to Jasper as best I can. Finn crouches beside me and waits until I look at him to offer me something. I take it and realize it's an animal. I smile politely and hand it back to him. "It's nice...but I don't think I want it." I tell him quietly and turn back to Jasper. He seems confused but walks away anyway. I'm still not sure if he did all of this because Jasper is his friend or if he wants me to see him differently. I finish doing what I can for him and wrap his wounds before heading back outside.

Teddy stands beside Finn and watches as Bellamy offers the others food if they take off their wristbands. Because it's 'liberating ourselves' he says but I know he's afraid. He's afraid of what will happen if the others come down but I can't figure out why yet. Teddy turns towards me, his back to the fire.

" _People act like this when they're running from something. Someone did something that'll get him in much worse trouble down here than up there. There are more options than floating on the ground."_   He steps aside as I stop to tell Finn about Jasper's condition.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "I'm not going to trade in my wristband for food. I'll find something else." I won't do that to my mom. Finn sets his jaw and assures me I won't have to. He strides forward and takes the food. Murphy stops him and asks him what he's doing. "I thought there were no rules." He looks at Bellamy. "Whatever the hell we want...isn't that what you said?" He turns away, taking the food with him.

Finn offers me the meat and I take it with a quiet thank you. I bite into it and it's the best thing I've ever tasted. Just like the air, flowers, and trees were better than I imagined...so was this. Teddy grins beside me and pretends to take a bite and I smile. Things are looking up.

* * *

I dream of mountains that night. There's one...even higher than Mount Weather that catches my attention. I can't reach it...there's a wide chasm between us. On its peak is a tower that looms above the cliff side. It's sharp and hard. It scares me to look at it. I feel him stand at my side. "We made it through today." he sounds happy. I feel happy that he's happy...or maybe it's the other way around.

"Somehow." I continue to stare at the mountain.

"Enjoy the little things Clarke. There may not be many big things to find solace in down here." I turn to him. His hair is shorter now, I can see his eyes clearer. He smiles at me and I smile back.

The mountain is gone. We're back on the Ark...in my family's living quarters. I try not to think of them because it reminds me of my father. Looking at Teddy I can see why I picture him this way, I want someone who reminds me of my dad...who can still help me. "You were brave today. So was Wells. He shot that panther for you." I knew I knew the name of it. "Wells was only ever my friend."

"I think guys hate that. Being just friends to girls they pine for."

"I don't want Wells to _pine_ for me." I frown.

"Finn is a better choice?" I shake my head and laugh.

"Teddy...we have had more than a few brushes with death in a few days than I can stand and it's only been three days. Romance is the last thing on my mind right now."

He gives me a doubtful stare. "It is until it isn't." I don't understand what he means.

I dream of green after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picture Teddy looking similar to Evan Peters, just in case you needed a clearer image.


	3. The Truth Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I did the first three episodes, I kind of had to because Clarke needs the truth about her dad and I needed more premise with Teddy being involved.  
> I made him the way he is to try and explain more of Clarke's behavior and why she needs him. At the end of it all he is imaginary and does what she needs him to do to help her.
> 
> Happy reading!

It feels like it's already been weeks since we landed on the ground. It would help me process if it had been. Between checking on Jasper and making sure his wounds don't get infected I talk to Monty about seeing which plants could help us with this in the future and Finn about tracking animals. The others have started to build a wall around the camp while Bellamy sets up watches for the night. He still thinks he can control this...us. I look up as I exit the drop ship after checking on Jasper, Teddy looks up from a flower he's examining.

_"He'll find out the hard way. So will they."_ He steps over and is by my side before I can blink. I nod. He's right.

Most of us have already found out the hard way. What with Murphy going the extra mile to look like we're hurting before the wristbands come off and Bellamy bribing them. There's this girl, Charlotte, she's just a kid really. She's barely a teenager and still she was sent with us down here. Like Teddy told me before she'll either be a champion...or something we can't help.

I found her having a nightmare last night. It doesn't seem fair that this happens to kids. _"We're all kids Clarke."_ Teddy sighed as I tried to tell this girl it's okay to be afraid, that we can do better and have a second chance. I tell her what I want someone to tell me. I tell her things that Teddy tells me which I have told myself. I don't know if it helped her but I have to have some hope.

* * *

Working on Jasper sadly helps me think clearer. It gives me something to do with no hidden reasons and it doesn't give me time to worry about the future or the Grounders. He's in pain and they didn't send us anything to help. I feel a flicker of rage in my stomach at Jaha...and at Wells again. I push it aside and refocus on the task. The Grounders sealed his wound...I can't get my head around it.

 " _Savages don't treat the wounds of their prey. That's not how people work."_   Teddy watches me work. He's right but at the same time this is an enemy we know nothing about. It could have been them just keeping Jasper alive long enough to trap and kill us too. My eyes move to a cut Teddy points at. Shit.

"His wounds are getting infected. This one could already be septic." I worry my lip between my teeth for a moment. I dip a cloth in water and try to clean it. If we can't figure out how to stop the infection I may have to open the cuts and try bleeding it out but I hope it doesn't come to that. I glance at Monty and ask him about the attempts to communicate with the Ark.

Wells leans over beside me. He tells me he wants to help. I don't want to do this but it may be the only way short of bleeding Jasper. I hold my knife over an open flame. We don't have anything to ease his pain. "I'm sorry." I whisper to him. "Hold him, I have to cut away the infection." It's barbaric and I hate every single second but we don't have the ability to replace any lost blood. I feel Teddy's hand on my own and it keeps me steady.

Jasper screams and eventually passes out from the pain.

Bellamy and Octavia come in just as he loses consciousness. She is afraid I'm killing him but I tell her to have hope, that I've watched and learned from my mother and I know I can save him. She believes me. Bellamy threatens to kill Jasper if he isn't better by tomorrow and I ignore him, when he leaves his sister stays and it feels like a victory somehow. I glance at Teddy who is sitting beside Finn.

_"We've watched her heal people Clarke, you've learned something from that...you can do this._ I _believe in you."_   Maybe it's narcissistic for me to want to believe him but I don't care.

* * *

I try and sleep after cleaning and bandaging Jasper. Without antibiotics this is the best I can do for him. I dream of my dad...he's telling my mom what's happening to the Ark.

It can't be fixed and he wants to tell people the truth so we can work together to fix the problem. I remember the sting in my eyes as I look at Teddy who is standing across from my hiding place. "They deserve to know...he is right Clarke." I know he is...I don't know if I'm more hurt by mom trying to keep it covered up or my dad saying he's doing this for me.

How do you fix a station wide failure of life support?

Teddy's eyes meet mine. "By making a Think Tank. It's what he wants us to do by telling them the truth. It's a good idea really."

My heart constricts painfully at the memory when I wake up. I pick up the poultice that the Grounders had put on Jasper and head outside to think clearly. Teddy walks in front of me. I imagine him in his usual plain clothes. His hair looks golden in the sun today. He glances back at me as we keep walking into the trees. _"If we can figure out what they used to make that then we can help Jasper for real."_

I sit and examine it closely. Monty would probably be better at this than me but I have to try while he's busy on setting up communications. Footsteps make me look up and I try not to glare as I see Finn. He thinks Jasper is a lost cause and he somehow still looks guilty about it. _"Space-ass."_ Teddy hisses behind his shoulder and I refuse to smile.

"I can give it a try, and before you say no...I aced the botany classes on the Ark." Wells drops down beside me. I want to refuse his help he's right about that. But I swallow my pride and l let him take a look. Being this close to the one that got my father floated makes me nauseas and I'm fighting the urge to hit him again. I won't give in to my impulses like Bellamy and Murphy. I won't be that person.

_"Time heals most wounds."_   Teddy offers from behind me. I almost scoff and roll my eyes at him. _"I said most."_

I don't really believe time can heal this one. I push aside my anger and listen to Wells. He says its seaweed and that we need a place where the water looks more red than green and I feel hope finally for Jasper. I didn't risk getting impaled on spikes or mauled by a panther just to bring him back here to die. I refuse. I have to give Jasper his best chance and if it really is seaweed then that's what I'll get for him.

_"Confidence is in fact key."_  I look at Teddy for a moment over Finn's shoulder. He keeps trying to make me laugh so I'll feel better and I want him to...but not like this. I stand and tell Finn we can go immediately. I don't really want to spend anymore time with him than I have to because I don't want to give him the wrong idea but I can't go out there alone.

"I didn't know you knew what seaweed looks like Clarke." Wells calls after me, he sounds bitter.

I wish I could forgive him but _how_ can you forgive your best friend turning in your father? I don't want to face it right now and I don't want to forgive him. It's still selfish but I need someone to be angry with and besides Bellamy the only one I have to blame something real and honest on is Wells. Someday I'll have to go through the pain I know that, but that day doesn't have to be today and I don't have to make this easy. So I won't.

* * *

" _He could die tomorrow and you'd just let him die with you still angry at him?"_ I ignore Teddy as we walk through the forest back to the waterfall. He knows why I'm angry and it hurts that he's not on my side. He's my deeper thoughts trying to come through my pain. _"People make mistakes Clarke."_   He's right...but that won't make _this_ right.

_"It doesn't have to make it right."_ He stop ahead of me, he looks upset. _"It is never going to just be okay. I never said it would be but you_ cannot _live like this. Wells isn't gonna just go away."_ I walk by him and try and shut out his words. _"Neither am I."_ He fades to background noise again. Teddy's truths are hard but at least I know he means the best for me.

I'm just not ready. Not yet. Not today.

Finn and Wells find an automobile and under other circumstances I'd be incredibly curious but Jasper can't wait and I tell them so. After he's better maybe we can bring him out here to see it too. They follow me after a small pause.

It's only a few miles later than we come along the river. The water is lower here and the current isn't as fast. They talk about how we can get the seaweed without getting attacked by the snake again. Teddy is back, standing over my shoulder as they talk. _"The water is shallow here and the seaweed is right beside the shore. Just take it."_   I step into the water and grab a handful of it.

I look up as I walk back to Wells and Finn, they look surprised. I frown. "What? It's right here." I shrug.

* * *

We're running for our lives...again. Just after collecting the seaweed the sky turns a sick shade of yellow and I see animals running away from this-this fog. Somewhere in the distance there's what I have to assume is a warning being called by a horn. This scared me more than the idea of the Grounders. Teddy turns to me, his clothes are dark again. _"Animals sense danger...we have to run."_

My legs burn but I don't have the option of stopping, none of us do. "Find that car! It's the only way we're going to make it! We can't outrun this!" I repeat Teddy's words, he's just beside me and I feel better knowing he's here and helping me through this. Time seems to slow down as he looks at me, his hair pulled out of his face by the wind I imagine against it. _"I will never abandon you. Stop pretending that surprises you."_

We make it to the car with only just enough time to get us all inside and seal up the gaps where the mist gets through. It burns my skin and my lungs but I ignore it.

Twenty minutes later the fog is still out there. I don't want to be in here, I suggest making a run for it but Finn firmly states that going out into the acid fog won't help anybody and we will wait it out until it passes and hope we make it in time to help Jasper. Finn keeps trying to pry open a compartment and when it finally snaps open he carries over a bottle.

"What is that?"

"Hooch." He grins and twists open the bottle.

_"Oh! Let's have some, you never wanted to try the moonshine on the Ark."_   Teddy grins beside me and I can see him rubbing his hands together. When Wells refuses the sip of what Finn thinks is whiskey and says 'we' I glare at him and glance at Teddy. He gives me the confidence I need under my desire to spite Wells now. He nods. _"Let's live a little! Lose some impulse!"_ His arms swing wide and he knocks his knuckles against the metal and hisses in pain. I roll my eyes and take the bottle.

"Live a little Wells." I copy his words and take a sip. It burns on the way down and I actually like it. I imagine this to be what my anger may taste like. My once best friend looks like he's disappointed in me but I don't care.

Hours later the bottle is almost empty and I have a pleasant hum at the back of my mind and a tingle on my skin. I'm not drunk but I like this feeling. I like feeling unafraid for once. I don't drink enough where I can lose enough control and talk to Teddy openly, so I talk to him in other ways. He's sitting beside Finn. It's getting hot and we're running out of air and we're all staring t sweat. His blonde curls cling to his forehead as he watches me with bemused eyes.

_"We've been down here almost a whole week, you still won't really talk to Wells and you seem like you'd rather die than let anything happen to Jasper anymore than it already has."_   I'm angry that he keeps insisting I talk to Wells.

_"Life is short. To short to hold on to this for however long you have left to live. I mean even the fog is trying to kill us. I don't want to die with any regrets."_

We won't die.

_"I like your optimism. Keep that. But you should say something...I think Finn thinks you're giving him_ a look _."_   He laughs. I realize I'd been staring in Finn's direction while talking to Teddy. I don't like talking to him like this, it helps me if I can actually speak but this is not the time. Finn looks over his shoulder and looks back at me with a curious expression.

"It's been hours." Is all I offer. Finn assures me that Jasper will be fine for now. I hum thoughtfully. I take another sip and it may have been one to many because I keep looking at Teddy and Finn thinks I'm looking at him but that's only because I refuse to look at Wells and he knows that.

"It's not bad of me to want Jasper to live is it? We just got here and he's already almost dying and I almost feel sorry that I want him to be able to see more than just that damned river."

I'm losing impulse control and Teddy starts to shake his head. "I can be fun you know." He whispers for me to stop. I don't think I can. "You think I'm fun right?" I watch Teddy as he rolls his eyes and smiles. _"I think you're fun Clarke."_ He answers me. Finn thinks I'm talking to him and I see him nod but I don't care.

"You are fun." I can't even look at him. The alcohol is making my thoughts blur together and I suddenly regret ever having any in the first place.

"Remember that time you betrayed me and got my father killed?" I finally turn to look at him, cutting off whatever story he was going to tell me. He looks so broken it makes my chest hurt. Teddy is sitting beside him and he's eyes are wet with tears. _"I don't want to hurt you Wells."_ He whispers but Wells can't hear him and my emotions are out of my control.

I only just manage to hold back my tears, my hurt. The whiskey turns from anger to pain in my belly. "How-," I choke on my words for a moment. "How could you do that to me? I trusted you. I trusted you and you just... _stabbed_ me in the back." Wells just stares at me with an expression I can't understand and it makes anger ripple back through my blood.

He looks away from me and simply says he made a mistake. I mimic his words and scoff in humorless laughter. Teddy watches me carefully and I glare back at him, I don't want his words right now. I can't stand whatever wisdom he can pull from the back of my mind to make me stop. This is what he wanted wasn't it? Me to talk about how I was feeling, how he wanted me to go through my pain? Well I'm going through it and I refuse to make the trip alone.

I lean forward, the sweat on my cheeks almost feels like tears. "Making a mistake...that's not good enough. You just couldn't wait to tell you father could you? So you could finally be daddy's perfect boy," he cuts me off and I'm startled. Wells has never raised his voice especially not to me.

"What can I tell you Clarke?" His eyes are wet too. "I did the wrong thing and I'm sorry and it won't ever be enough but I am sorry." He stares at me. I tell him I want him to explain it to me, to tell me why he, of all people, could do something so...hateful to me. He seems to shrink in on himself. His shoulders sag and he slumps against the wall of the car. He looks like he has so much more to say and I want him to tell me but he shakes his head.

"I don't have any explanation to give you. I can't and I'm sorry. I always will be." He wrings his hands. "I thought I could trust him."

Teddy leans against my shoulder. "I thought I could trust you." He whispers in my ear and I repeat them automatically. He tells me what I want him to make me say, what I couldn't say without the whiskey or by myself. "If you were my friend...you'd go back out there and never come back." I look away from him and see Teddy watching him instead.

_"I don't want to hurt you."_   He mumbles. He turns to me. _"We lost to much control...we have to calm down."_ I vaguely hear Finn saying we should all take it easy.

I frown. "I don't know how." Finn thinks I'm talking to him.

* * *

It's almost another hour later, I had to stop drinking. My head feels clearer and I want to tell Wells I'm sorry for telling him he would get himself killed if he was my friend. I don't want to be the person that operates on 'an eye for an eye' philosophy to make it down here. I don't want him to die for my father. I would never want that but I said it and I can't take it back. It's another thing I don't think I can make right but I push it aside.

The fog has cleared and Jasper needs us. Teddy is already waiting for us outside, seeing the fog gone I see him in his usual clothes. He watches me and something about him seems lighter, maybe it was my honesty. I can hardly understand what happened in those hours holed up in that car. _"You had an honest moment."_ Teddy grins at me. it makes me feel better. It was painful but he was right...I needed to say how I felt.

I walk quickly and I can hear Finn and Wells talking behind me. I catch bits of what they say.

"...you ever?"

"Not like that."

"...me out...explosive...why..."

"...care?"

"...rules...to know..."

They're talking about me. About what happened and I ignore them. Teddy curls his hand around mine, I imagine it's comforting, like my dad used to do when I was upset. He offers me a small smile this time. _"What happens in the car stays in the car."_ I continue to stare at the ground ahead of me but I can't help a small smile. _"There's the girl I remember._ "

"Thank you." I mumble. I look up as Wells jogs ahead of us and glance at Finn when he takes Teddy's place, my hand suddenly feels cold.

Finn looks unsure of what to say before he finally gives me a look that seems a lot like pity and I have the urge to hit him again. I don't need pity. He doesn't say what I thought he would though. I thought he would say he was sorry or tell me I had been fun, buzzed and out of it in that car, almost joking.

"You know he loves you don't you?" The look on his face changes from pity to placating. "You have to."

I do. Just like before though...it's not good enough. Wells' love won't bring back my father or heal the sting of his betrayal. A stray thought passes and Teddy clings to it as I walk between them. He gives me a strange look. _"Back there, before, he said he couldn't give you an explanation. What is there to explain if he just turned your dad in? If he can't just tell you..."_

He's hiding something from me. I didn't want to think about what he meant when he said he couldn't explain it. Teddy was right. if it was cut and dry why couldn't he just tell me the truth? Why couldn't he tell me what was going on when he told his father what I'd told him.

Finn is talking again and I look at him. "I do have to know though...are you really sure he did it? Turned him in I mean. If you trusted him completely until then why would he just suddenly turn on you like that?" He almost sounds like Teddy.

"I only told him." I answer. There's another stray thought, my heart clenches.

_"But he's not the only one who knew."_

I want to shut him out and ignore the doubt creeping in from the shadows. There's no time to however; there's a scream. It's a girl screaming.

"Come on!" Finn follows the sound and we follow him.

I can't remember his name...I think it was Adam but I'm not sure. We find Bellamy crouching over him. He's been caught in the fog. Teddy and I kneel in the dirt on his other side. He's whispering 'Kill me'. His skin is red, cracked, blistering, and oozing blood. His eyes are covered in a white film that looks like cataracts. it only takes a glance to know there's nothing to be done for him.

"Charlotte found him...I sent them away." Bellamy hasn't spoken this softly to anyone that wasn't his sister. I see it in his eyes...he doesn't know how to do this. He's afraid.

There's nothing I can do for him but send him off as peacefully as I can. I stroke his hair and hum to him, his breathing calms but he's still gasping in pain. Bellamy has a knife and I take it slowly. "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay." I place the knife against the side of his throat and gently slide it in. It hurts to do this and Teddy grips my hand the whole time.

He chokes on his blood for only a moment before he's gone. Who knows how long he was out here like this. In pain like this. It's over now, he can rest.

Bellamy helps Wells carry him back to camp and tells someone to give me whatever I need to help Jasper. Maybe he respects me now. He shouldn't, it hurt to have to do that but watching him writhe in pain and whispering for someone to end his life. I wouldn't want that for me or anybody else. I truly believe if it had been me I'd want the same thing. What kind of life could he have had if I hadn't? He wouldn't have lasted another few days.

I try and get Octavia to come back inside with me but she already sees the stretcher. There's no time to waste as I run inside, but I hear the shouting as I climb up the ladder. There's no time for anything else but Jasper right now. I couldn't save my dad, I couldn't save Adam, but I can save Jasper.

He's so tired and sick that he doesn't cringe at the flavor of the tea. I look at Octavia who is holding his head on her lap so it's easier to feed him to drink. She looks sad and determined. I tell her I'm sorry about Adam, I knew that were getting closer. She looks at me with resignation.

"We just have to get used to people dying now I guess. We always had to...now it's just...worse." She speaks softly and I don't now if it's so Jasper won't wake up or because she's to exhausted to raise her voice. We're all exhausted. "We have to save the ones we can." She looks down at Jasper. "Hear me?" She mumbles to him and runs a wet rag over him neck.

It's darker out than before, just the fires and solar lanterns lighting the camp. Almost everyone is asleep. Teddy is leaning against a tree across the way. I know what he's doing and I think I finally really need it. He's still far away but I hear him anyway. _"At least you'll have the truth."_

He's digging Adam's grave when I find him, I think he's the only one who cares right now...about the dead, maybe doing these small things for others helps him cope. He looks up when I call to him. "You told me before you couldn't give me the explanation I needed." He stays quiet. "I need that explanation Wells. I need to know the truth, please. Even if I don't have the right to ask you I still just..." I sigh and hold my arms out in a shrug. I hope he can understand what I'm asking him.

Still he stays silent and it gives me the answer I never wanted to believe. "It was my mom. She told your dad." That hurts worse than watching my father being sucked out of the airlock. That she could do that to the man she was in love with. My eyes sting.

"She got my father killed and I think...I think that I _knew_ on some level. I didn't want to hurt you Wells but it was easier to blame you." He looks down. He really is my best friend. He took the blame and burning edge of my anger because he didn't want me to hate my mom.

"I knew how it would be for you, even before I heard about them sending you down here but especially after. You needed your mom Clarke." I needed to believe she was who I had imagined her to be but she's not and it hurts so much more than I can say. Over his shoulder I see a dark expression pass over Teddy's face.

I look back up at Wells. He looks less troubled now that I know. "I hope you can forgive me someday." He doesn't say anything but lets go of the shovel and hugs me tight. For half a moment I imagine it's Teddy and I feel better but it doesn't last because I remember just as quickly why I feel this way and it isn't something that will ever be made right.

The rage I felt from drinking the whiskey is back and I'm furious with my mom and then I feel so bad for my father because the woman he loved had betrayed him and I can't imagine how that feels. Being angry with Wells couldn't compare to that level of betrayal. The woman he'd wanted to spend his life with, had a child with, had devoted his life to loving and making happy...had turned him in knowing it would kill him. I can't understand that pain.

But being here with someone I could talk to again who understood my anger and still loved me...that made it a little easier. I feel Teddy standing behind me. I feel comfort for the first time in days.

Later, I head back to the drop ship to check on Jasper. He's awake and in surprisingly good spirits. He beams and calls me his savior, I smile back and thank him for not dying. I couldn't have taken that and the truth about my mom all at once today. Despite the pain and desperation of earlier I think things are finally looking up. Teddy sits beside Jasper and watches us with a bittersweet smile.

_"The truth is hard Clarke."_

But at least it's the truth.

* * *

I dream of stars that night. I'm laying in a field of grass and just watching them. "They are beautiful." I turn to see Teddy laying beside me. I need to know something.

"How do I face my mom again after this?" It won't ever be the same.

He sighs. "Just like Wells you'll have to get through the pain with her, not against her. It'll be hard for you. You won't want to."

"I just don't understand." I look back to the sky.

"I think sometimes children pay more for the crimes of their parents than they themselves do."

"What does that even mean?"

"This will always be with you Clarke. It'll always be with your mom and you'll _always_ look at her and have that thought in the back of your mind about how she could do it and then you'll wonder if you could do something like that."

I look back at him. He watches me with sad eyes. "Paying for her crimes by mentally torturing myself with what ifs? That sounds like hell. I don't think I could betray anybody like that." It would hurt to much.

He gives me that same bittersweet smile. "You won't until you do."

"I don't imagine you to be cryptic."

"No, you imagine me to be honest." He looks away and then back. "It's better now...knowing you don't hate him." Before I can ask him what he means I feel a painful twist in my heart and jolt awake.

He's watching me from against the wall. He looks worried, it makes me worry. It's only after I look around I notice the rushing and shouting from outside.

_"Go Clarke."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where I'll start to spatter episodes and moments together for real now. There will still be canon compliant moments though, largely until I can get to the next season but if I didn't need to explain Teddy I'd just skip ahead. Sadly you'll have to bear with me because it'll make sense later on.
> 
> I apologize if there's any redundancy at all, I don't have a beta.


	4. Knowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Clarke your life lessons aren't for someone else to teach you." I look back at him. "I will always be here but I can't always show you the way." 
> 
> He's right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't own The 100 but if I did Lexa either wouldn't be dead or she'd have died a death that was worthy of her. 
> 
> Happy reading!

I was wrong before. About agony. _This_ was true pain. Sitting at the end of Wells' grave. I had just gotten him back and in the same night somebody had taken him from me. This world offers no shortcuts and even less comfort.

"It's not fair." I had stopped crying almost an hour ago. My chest feels hollow. Teddy sits so close our shoulders touch, the second I know if I want space or comfort he'll act but right now all I need is him to be there. He watches me, analyzing me, us.

_"He didn't die thinking you hated him. That would have been worse."_ He's right. I imagine it the other way around and it hurts to think about how he would go on not knowing I was never really mad at him to begin with. Truthfully it had never been Wells I blamed. It was the system. The politics on the Ark are strict because of low supplies. My father never had a chance...did he?

I turn to Teddy. "I have to know who did this."

" _Will it feel any better? Knowing?"_

"It doesn't matter. I can't always wonder. I just got him back, Teddy, and now he's gone and that's something I can't make right. The least I can do for Wells is find his murderer. If it wasn't a Grounder then we have a killer here in camp, it'll raise more chaos and I owe him." I ramble and I don't mean to.

I hear footsteps and I turn, brandishing a knife. It's just Finn. He wants to help but I don't know why yet. He gives me that same curious look from the car. "That's the second time I've caught you talking to yourself," he's trying to lighten the pain. "You sure you're okay? You shouldn't be alone."

I motion to Wells' grave. "I was saying goodbye." He believes me, his eyes meet the ground for a moment. "We're still close enough to the camp. It's not that dangerous. I needed some space to think." If anything I've been thinking to much. I remember when we were little and he'd give me things to draw with, charcoal and pencils. I didn't find out until we were older that he'd traded his own possessions so I could have them.

I look back at his grave. Teddy is touching the flowers I'd gathered to lay here. There's an open wound where my heart should be. This boy let me think he'd gotten my father killed just so I wouldn't hate my mom. So I'd have somebody when the Ark came down. Wells was the best real friend I'd ever have. I have to know who could do this. Plenty of people would but...Wells was never hard like his father. Then I feel guilt. if it hadn't been for me he wouldn't have been down here with us trying to protect me. I feel ready to cry again.

This is agony. I set my jaw and turn away from the grave. I want my mom to know this pain. I want her to feel as hollow as I do right now. I sidestep Finn and head back to camp. He asks where I'm going.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "I want my mom to feel how I'm feeling...and she'll _feel_ this." I keep walking. The pain becomes anger.

* * *

I imagine her panic and denial when Monty takes off my wristband. It feels like a cooling balm on the skin.

_"Teenage rebellion is a dish best served hot."_   Teddy chuckles as he watches Monty work. I ignore him. The wristband is still working and it's just what Monty needs to patch into the Ark's communications. Good. I want to talk to her. I want to let her know that I know what she's done. Finn gives me a disappointed look as I march by him and out of the ship. It's a good thing I don't care what he thinks of me.

The camp is finally coming together. We have walls still going up, people collecting water, people cooking food Bellamy's people go out to hunt. It hurts again as I think that Wells will never get to see what we could have been, what we could have done here on the surface.

Teddy falls into step beside me. _"We'll find out who did it. Right now they think it was a Grounder because he was outside the walls."_   I nod to myself and keep moving.

If it was a Grounder I'll never have any peace. It if was one of us...I want answers. Octavia and Jasper run to me and tell me we need to go to Bellamy, it sounds urgent. Jasper is finally back on his feet and taking it easy. So far he shows signs of a full recovery but I'm still worried.

Fingers. They're Wells'. I know because I saw the body before they buried it, he was missing two fingers. They'd found them outside the camp wall with a knife someone made from pieces of the ship. Jasper looks scared at my suggestion that one of us killed Wells. But now I know for sure and I'm going to find out why. Bellamy wants to keep it quiet and I don't agree. I am my father's daughter.

We go around in circles for a minute before he levels me with a glare. "Them thinking the grounder's killed Wells is helping people build that wall to keep them safe. We don't even know who that knife belongs to."

I hold it up. "It says J.M right there on the handle." I see Teddy lean into his hear. " _Bitch_." I really wish he was real. I ignore him so he knows it's not the time to try and make me laugh. Bellamy insists I keep this quiet and I don't agree but I can hear him...whispering at the back of mind with my doubts. It gives me enough time to pause and think.

_"Someone could have framed him...wanted him to get caught...if we do this and it goes wrong are we ready for the fallout?"_   I ignore him because if I don't I'll lose my nerve and somewhere I know this is irresponsible but I want someone to hurt for this. _"An Eye for an eye...but haven't we all suffered?"_ Not nearly enough.

Teddy was right and I didn't listen. I was blinded by my anger and ignored the only better angel I have ever had. What ensued was chaos. The girl...Charlotte, she admits to killing Wells after the others string Murphy up to die. I didn't want this I wanted it to be different down here. I wanted us to be different. Bellamy was right I caused this. There were better ways to handle it than head first. A dozen right choices and I chose wrong.

Finn and I make the choice to help Charlotte escape. Where she'll go after and how she'll be able to survive even Teddy has no ideas. While we're rushing between the trees Charlotte, in her fear, tries to hold my hand. I snatch it away as if it's on fire...or a plague. I can't help what I say to her because I can't help how I feel and even if she is a kid she took someone's life.

"You are not forgiven just because we're helping you. That's not how it works." I hear Finn saying something but the one I pay attention to is Teddy who is standing just in front of him. _"She's a kid...that's why we're doing this."_ I shake my head.

"No. She stopped being a kid the moment she killed Wells." I look back at the girl who looks close to tears. Good. I'm not even close to done. "You took someone's life. I don't care how you felt about his father or anybody else, just like on the Ark...killing was never supposed to be the answer. But you did it. You killed Wells, did it ever cross your mind what you were doing? That there would be consequences to that? Did it make you _feel_ any better? Stabbing him in the throat and watching him struggle to breath. Did it ease the pain?"

She doesn't answer me but her face all but crumbles and I knew before I ever said anything killing him had only made the pain worse. It's not good enough.

"Answer me."

"No." She sobs.

There is no amount of tears that can make me feel bad for her right now. Killing her in return won't fix the problem either. So what do we do? We can't outrun them forever.

Finn thankfully buys us time by hiding us in a bunker he's found while scavenging in the woods. He still looks disappointed by what I said to Charlotte. I don't care, but now we have time to think about options. 

"Hey...found this at the art supply store down the road." Finn offers a small smile and holds out a pencil. I thank him and take it eagerly hardly believing it's real. I haven't drawn since-since the Sky Box. My heart twists as I think of Wells and him constantly giving me things to draw with. May we meet again.

Charlotte falls into a fitful sleep as we wait. The rest of us sit on the couch. I sit between Teddy and Finn. When Teddy gives me a look that tells me I need to talk to him I hesitate. _"Sometimes words fall on deaf ears. Make people hear you."_ My subconscious is always trying to teach me a lesson. I finally turn to Finn.

"I...I appreciate what you made for me before. I appreciate you helping Charlotte...even if there's a part of me that feels like she doesn't deserve it, I know more killing isn't the answer. I appreciate what you do to help Finn." He's watching me as if trying to figure out if I'm confessing something or cutting it out completely. "I just can't tell if you're doing it for the right reasons or trying to get my attention."

"Clarke I-" I cut him off. I don't want to hear it, I can't.

"I don't want romance Finn. We're fighting everyday almost to stay alive. I don't need a lover or a boyfriend right now," I level him with a look I hope is imploring so he really hears what I'm saying. "I just need a friend."

He looks sad but he smiles and nods. "I can do that."

* * *

There was no saving Charlotte. I realized it while Bellamy and Murphy were fighting for what should happen to her. She eventually took the choice out of their hands. I felt guilty about what I'd said as I watched her throw herself from the cliff. Even if we had saved her now I truly believe this would have happened anyways. She was a sweet girl under it all and she made a wrong choice and it cost her, her innocence and her life. I sit with Teddy just inside what's now our graveyard. We'd collected flowers for Charlotte and laid them beside Wells.

"How are we going to survive down here if we always make the wrong choices?"

_"You didn't kill Murphy. That was a right choice."_

I turn to him. I imagine the light from the stars in his eyes and he smiles at me. It always seems sad these days. "Maybe but if I had listened to you and Bellamy...maybe this would be different." I nod to the graves.

_"Clarke_ your _life lessons aren't for someone else to teach you."_   I look back at him. _"I will always be here but I can't always show you the way."_

He's right.

* * *

A pod comes screaming out of the sky the next day. Bellamy vanishes and Teddy tells me what I know to late. _"The radio."_ I may be angry with my mother but I still need answers and that radio is the only way I'll get them. Finn comes with me. He smiles easier now. Maybe he just wanted to know where I stood. We search the woods and split up to cover more ground if the person who came down has left the pod.

I find it first. It's shockingly wonderful and for the first time in ten whole days I feel real hope. That somehow they know we're down here and are trying to find a way. There's a girl in the pod and even though she's got a cut on her forehead she's awake and looking at me with doubt.

"I made it?"

I chuckle. "You made it. Here let me help you."

Her name is Raven. She's awestruck by the fresh air and the rain. "Was it like this for you?" She turns to me. "Better than you dreamed it would be?" I nod, smiling.

Finn finds us minutes later. He knows her, they cling to each other. I don't know if this is his girlfriend or just a close friend but it's nice to see somebody has someone they care about. I had seen the swan in the pod when I helped her out. Finn made it and I suddenly felt so much better about refusing him. If I hadn't...I may have hurt somebody else and that's not who I want to be.

The radio is missing. Teddy frowns. _"Confront him. You know it was him. Who else wants us to lose communications as badly as he does?"_

It goes better than I'd expected. I like Raven. She's fearless in a whole other way and I can only admire it. She stands toe to toe with Bellamy and reveals he shot Jaha before getting on the ship with the one hundred...and didn't kill him. She smirks. "You're a lousy shot." She mocks him. I like this girl.

We find the radio in the river Bellamy tossed it into. It's almost un-salvageable.

"Can you fix it?"

"If I wasn't here you wouldn't have a shot in hell. Let me take it apart and dry out the components and then I can see what I have to work with. If it goes according to plan we'll be able to talk to Ark in no time."

Raven Reyes may be my new hero. While she's trying to dry out the parts and get it reassembled she helps us set up a way for the Ark to see us without communicating. Flares, and they're beautiful. Teddy is grinning beside me as we watch the sky turn red and purple from the lights. I imagine he's holding my hand tight and that, despite my anger at my mom, she's watching and can see that we are here.

We are here.

* * *

We get the radio working. Just in time. I need my mom's help for an injury Finn received from a Grounder. I can't save him without her.

_"Work through the pain Clarke. It won't get better overnight but the only way out is through."_   This lesson again. I hiss at him to shut up and thankfully there's nobody around to hear me but the unconscious Finn.

_"You're just punishing yourself by trying to punish your mother and in the wake of that you're punishing Finn. Tell her you know after you've worked it out."_

I needed that lesson.

Together we save him...and I tell mom I know the truth. Teddy is sitting beside the radio and Finn is asleep behind me while I talk to her. Talk, that makes me want to laugh. Finally I get the chance to ask the question I have to ask. I have to _know_.

"How could you do that to him?" The tears come and I don't have the heart to wipe them away.

There's a long pause before we hear her choke back a sob and tries to say Jaha was only ever supposed to talk him out of telling the Ark the truth. Teddy looks angry, I feel angry. I feel the urge to _stay_ angry. Teddy whispers to me.

"That is an excuse! You-you _knew_ that he would get floated! I think he knew in the end it was you and..." I remember saying goodbye. "And he still loved you anyway." I don't give her the chance to answer as I cut off the radio. How much more pain can I really take. How much is the human emotion meant to withstand? Has there ever even been a glimpse of an answer?

I dream I'm flying that night. I'm with Teddy and we're just...flying. It's fantastic. I know it isn't real but I need this weightlessness. If only for this dream tonight.

* * *

We're sitting alone, beside a tree. It's late. The camp is getting ready to take watch for the night and the others are readying for sleep. I don't say anything for a long time until finally I can't keep it in anymore.

"I don't know how to do this Teddy."

He hums, watching me.

"How can I forgive her? Move beyond this moment of...fucking hell."

_"I already told you. You have to work through it. It won't be easy but it's what you both need."_

There's another long silence. I pick up a blade of grass and twirl it between my fingers. He waits patiently for me to speak again. I really love that I can imagine him this way. Ever the big brother I'd never known I wanted until I first conjured him up. He nudges me with his shoulder and I look up at him.

"I know you're right. I do. I'm just not ready. I may not even be ready when they come down here."

_"You don't have to be. Nothing worth doing is easy Clarke. Life doesn't work that way. You'll be ready when you're ready and I know your mom will respect that."_ He's never really called her our mom or just mom. It was the same with my dad. Even though I picture him as a brother he's always been somehow separate. I don't like it. I want him so badly to be real.

Teddy came to me when I was still little. I think I was four, but I can't really remember a time when he wasn't here. To me I've always seen him as the wiser older brother I wish I was allowed to have but on the Ark it's one child per couple and sometimes not even then. Octavia and Bellamy's mother was floated just for wanting her daughter to live. It's not fair but that's the Ark.

He smiles at me then and it's real and it makes me smile back. _"Maybe down here our lives can be more than just surviving. I think we've earned it."_

"We have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two years and two months ago today, Lexa died and I only know how to make it better through writing this story.
> 
> I'm starting to chop it up more, this is a couple different episodes and some added scenes.
> 
> ~Pocketism


	5. Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Newsflash Clarke! I am not real!" Suddenly my vision fractures and I simultaneously see an angry blonde teenager with bright blue eyes and dark clothes...and I also see nothing at all. "You already know what you have to do because we're already talking about it. I am here, I always have been, but I am not real. I'm just telling you what you already know and that is why I know it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own The 100
> 
> Happy reading!

It's hard...living down here. How did the ones that came before us ever manage it? How did they prevent the murder, fights, stealing...hopelessness. I wish I knew. Some days do really feel hopeless. Now that we can finally talk to the Ark we have to tell parents their children are dead. The ones that had them anyway...Charlotte was alone in the world after her parents got floated.

 We've captured one. Octavia seems to taken with him for them to never have met. _"I guess we know she's been outside the walls."_ Teddy mumbles behind me.

I meet with the council to talk about winter and preparations that need to be made. I still hate this...hate Jaha, but what we need to live is more important. He talks to me alone. He starts to talk about my mother and it burns more than it should.

"I don't want to talk about her...and you don't get to talk about my father either while we're on the subject." I feel brave because Teddy is sitting beside me and whispering the words. He doesn't have the right, he never did and he never will. "To you it was the right choice but I will never forgive you. Tell me who is next and they can have their turn."

I go to Bellamy for help with the bunker that could help us last the winter. I pretend I don't hear them arguing about the Grounder. He pauses for a moment then asks why I'm asking him. We're not friends. We may never be very close but Finn is still getting Raven caught up on what's been going on down here and I want them to have that time. Jasper is still skittish leaving the walls after his accident, even if he is getting better. Octavia is here and not moving an inch. Monty is looking after Jasper and working with others for what we can pick and eat and use in medicine.

That leaves Bellamy.

I see Finn before I leave to make sure his injury is still healing properly. It looks a little swollen but not infected. Teddy makes a face at it and I can't laugh at him about it. This is neither the time nor the place.

"Take it easy," I turn to Raven. "Don't let him leave this bed. He won't get better if he doesn't take the time." She nods.

"I can tie him down." She smirks.

Finn laughs. "Please don't. I'll be good and stay right here Clarke, I promise."

Raven gives a playful groan. "And here I wanted to try out all those knots we learned in classes."

"You already know all of them!"

"Just one?"

"No!" He bats her hand away gently. Wells was my friend like that. We could joke about anything. My heart clenches and I push it down. I smile at them and put fresh bandages over the wound. It'll leave a scar but at least he's alive.

I stand, asking Raven to change it in a few hours. "I'll be gone for the day." Raven's smile falls and she looks at me with concern.

"Where to?" She frowns when I explain it's a small project for the Ark and it'll help us when the weather really drops. The nights are already getting colder. We can't afford to ignore this information and die of hypothermia. We didn't come this far to freeze to death.

"It isn't safe Clarke. I mean, look at Finn...he barely made it." Raven worries her bottom lip as she crosses her arms. Finn protests on my behalf.

"Raven she's got this. I'm sure she's not going alone."

In the small amount of time she's been here Raven has become a fast friend and she worries like any real friend does and I like that about her. Sometimes she comes off a little to much too fast but that's...well Raven. She actually showed me plans to build small drones for recon, asked if I wanted to help her so she could show me some things. I agreed when we have the time to do it.

Bellamy calls me and I head out while telling her to make sure he stays in bed. I hear them inside.

" _Please_ don't tie me to this bed." Raven laughs at his request.

* * *

Teddy is excited to see where we're going. He talks to me about the kinds of things we can see from the old world. _"Somethings just don't decay. We can go inside hundred year old buildings. Maybe find some paintings of some famous dead people."_   He shrugs. In between his talking I talk to Bellamy. I can't ignore him in favor of Teddy. As much as I would love to. He's intent on avoiding Jaha. He can't forever but who am I to tell someone else how to process.

We reach the top of a hill near the marked location. My breath catches for a moment. This was a school...or maybe a church. There isn't much left. Everything is caked in dirt and grime. An old school bus...I imagine it full of children as they get ready to start their day. A dilapidated building sits a few yards away from it, the front of the building seeming to be the only thing that survived it's test against time. There are other small things in the area.

People used to come here. They used to talk to each other and enjoy the air and the company of one another. I push away the image of people climbing onto that bus and coming here hoping for safe harbor from the bombs.

Teddy is watching me. _"Ashes to ashes..._ " He offers. I guess it didn't really matter in the end. We keep going, splitting up to search for a way in. I stop when I see Teddy glance behind us, I turn but see nothing. I turn to him and keep moving ahead. "Come on, we don't have time to spare." He grunts but has to follow me anyways.

It takes a bit but after scrabbling around for twenty minutes I find a door. I call Bellamy over. Teddy grins at me from his spot beside the metal doors. _"It takes a steady hand."_ He jokes. My hands are shaking from nerves and a little of the cold. I glare at him. "Shut up." He laughs.

_"Do you think Finn is actually resting or convincing Raven to come out here to help us?"_

"Knowing him...probably. Raven is even more stubborn than I am though, she'll keep him in line until we get back."

" _Maybe we'll need a rescue party."_ Teddy mumbles. I give him my full attention.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He shakes his head, no longer willing to speak. I don't have time to press him, Bellamy is here and helping me pry open the door.

The bunker is dark, covered in cobwebs, and there are skeletons inside...it feels like a tomb. _"It is a tomb."_ Teddy walks ahead of us, watching the bones thoughtfully. _"A dying hope for something more."_   He looks at me, his eyes are sad. _"What kind of live would you prefer to be living?"_

There's nothing of real use...if there is we haven't found it yet. It's waterlogged from the century of damage left in the wake of disaster above. Still we have t find something. I won't go back empty handed. Bellamy seems to feel the same way because he kicks over a barrel full of water in anger.

Something clatters to the ground. Teddy watches me.

They're guns. Stocked in barrels and with enough time they may still be usable. It's not better than food, but along with the blankets and something to keep the Grounders away it feel like a small victory.

_"I hate guns."_ Teddy whispers behind me. We both do but seeing the Grounders fight- which we haven't, not truly- we don't stand a chance in hand-to-hand. At least nobody here does and we can't afford to be defenseless if they decide to attack us before the guard gets here.

* * *

We find a few dry guns and Bellamy insists I learn to shoot. I don't want to. I'm like my father that way.

'Violence will never be the real answer Clarke.'

Only this time it seems to be. "Are we really going to be the people that shoot first and talk later?" Teddy glares at me. I take a deep breath and stead my hands. Bellamy offers to show me the correct stance and I stand beside Teddy and watch. We both feel angry and I'm letting him take it out on me because I cannot take it out on anyone else and Bellamy won't really get it.

He pulls the trigger.

Nothing happens.

I can feel Teddy raising an eyebrow beside me and smirking. Bellamy pulls the trigger again and again nothing happens. Teddy is starting to laugh. He whispers to me and I force myself not to laugh. "Performance anxiety?"

"Shut up. Try yours." He steps away and I take his place.

I never held a gun like this before today. I've held small hand guns, pistols...never something like this. A cold feeling settles in my chest. Teddy is glaring at me again. I pull the trigger and make a single shot in the corner of the target. I hate this thing. I hate what it makes people sometimes. I swallow the lump in my throat and breath through my nose. I hate it because it almost feels easy.

_"Nothing_ good _is easy Clarke."_   I want to tell him to shut up, that I know that...I want to tell him I'm sorry.

I try to talk to Bellamy about who gets to access the guns and who we'll train on them now that we have more. We can't have just anyone getting these. He eventually goes to get some air, leaving me with my thoughts and a still sulking friend.

"Stop it, okay. Just stop. I don't want it to be like this."

_"You haven't exactly tried to broker peace Clarke."_

"What do you want me to say? I don't know what to do Teddy. Is that enough for you?"

_"No and it's not enough for you either or we wouldn't be having this conversation! You have one of them...instead of torturing him why don't you try and meet his people?"_

"You said it yourself we've been torturing him...why would he help us?"

_"Good lives aren't built on the backs of others suffering Clarke. It all falls when that's the way. Slavery...torture...genocide. It all fell through when they thought it was the way. The pharaohs fell eventually, Rome crumbled to the ground...if we keep on this way all we'll have is war. There is a right answer in all of this. I know you know that or, again, we wouldn't be talking about it."_

"...We always talk about it. About everything. But they attacked us for no reason."

_"How do you know that? You haven't_ talked _to them."_

"Teddy,"

"Newsflash _Clarke! I am not real!"_ Suddenly my vision fractures and I simultaneously see an angry blonde teenager with bright blue eyes and dark clothes...and I also see nothing at all.  _"You already know what you have to do because we're already talking about it. I am here, I always have been, but I am not real. I'm just telling you what you already know and that is why I know it."_

There's a long silence, I blink back tears, then he's there again. Full and complete and so real to me. "You'll always be real to me. I don't care what other lesson there is to learn. I will," I swallow another lump in my throat. "I will try and work it out." I owe it to him. I owe it to us.

He smiles and it's real. I smile back. Eventually he agrees to be quiet while I train with the gun. He may not like it and neither do I but even if we try and make peace...if it goes badly I'll need to know how. Teddy stiffens beside me and I don't register it until I see the target cloth change. Wait...I turn to Teddy. He's standing close, he's saying something but I don't hear the words.

The gun in my hands bends under my grip and I look at it. I smile...it looks funny. It feels out of my control as it bends again and I'm looking down the barrel.

"Clarke!" Teddy shoves the gun from my hands, the noise startles me and I jump, stepping away from it.

Turning to look at him we're suddenly back on the Ark and I feel sick. What if it was all a dream? Teddy crowds my space, holding my face in his hands.

"Clarke, look at me, _this_ is the dream. Do you hear me?" I look at him like this is the first time I'm seeing him. He feels solid. Real. He looks worried. "This isn't real Clarke." I don't answer him. My mouth feels like it's full of cotton and he pulls me into a tight hug. I almost imagine it's my dad. "This isn't real. We are on the ground. You know. Somewhere inside you know that."

It takes what feels like forever before I pull away. "I know you're not real Teddy. That's why this feels different, isn't it?" There's that sad smile again.

"I wish the rules were different Clarke. I wish I could have been the brother you needed when you needed me." What does that mean? "Instead we're here and I'm..." He motions to himself and then pauses. I watch as he turns to look at the Earth through the small window. "I'm..." He holds out a hand and points to the view out of the window. I want to ask him what he means but he seems to shake himself loose and turns to me with a big smile.

"You have to forgive your mom Clarke." I only stare before going to sit on the cot against the wall. "You have to forgive mom." My eyes meet his. That's a first. "She's made mistakes and she knows that but punishing her like this is only hurting yourself. It wont be easy and it won't happen overnight. But you have to work through the pain."

"What if I can't do that?"

"Life is hard. It always has been since we first walked this," he glances over his shoulder again. "Big blue marble." He chuckles. "Sometimes all you can do is go on and keep moving forward. It won't be easy but it will get better." He sits beside me and takes me hand. I look up at him when he nudges my shoulder with his.

"It will get better. Just like with Murphy you have to make the right choice. I know it's cliché but two wrongs don't make a right." I laugh at him.

I stare at him for a long time and he stares out the window with a look I've never imagined on his face. "Parents never tell us about this part of life. About how easy it is to do the wrong thing." A dark look crosses his face and it scares me. I never saw him this way.

"The Ark is what makes the wrong choice easy." He looks at me, sullen. "Getting rid of me was always easy." I shake my head. I ignore him but I could never completely shut him out. He smiles again at my thoughts. "Making peace is hard too. That's why you need to forgive mom. I'm not asking you to forget. It will always be there, just like finding out she floated dad...that part of you will always be inside, somewhere."

Why is he always right.

He suddenly stiffens. _"Crazy bitch."_

"Teddy?"

The world goes dark.

* * *

I don't know how long I'm out for but when I come to Teddy is there, his clothes are dark and his face is grim. He's fractured again. Just a piece of whatever I can give him to make him my own. He'll always be real to me. Always. he nods to a gun. _"Now is the time."_

There must have been something in the rations to cause what I remember seeing. Feeling. I feel worse than when I drank that whiskey but Bellamy needs my help. He holds up his hand in the face of Dax and his own rifle, he's taken whatever caused this too. I give him a warning. I don't want to hurt him, don't want to kill him.

"Should've stayed put Clarke. You and whoever you saw down there." He glances over my shoulder and I wonder just how fractured Teddy is if Dax knows he is behind me. Did he take it too or is he just assuming based on what he may have heard me say? "I don't want to hurt you."

I pull the trigger.

Nothing happens.

_"Shit."_ Teddy hisses beside me. _"Get back, back behind the tree now!"_ I duck just as Dax fires on us. _"Reload. Fast."_ I can hear Bellamy fighting him, my hand starts to shake. Teddy places his hand over mine. _"It takes a steady hand._ " He jokes, and I want to yell at him that this is not the time for his stupid jokes. Looking back down I notice my hand isn't shaking as hard...I'm still scared but I need to help Bellamy.

I try and hit him with the butt of the rifle but Dax strikes me in the gut and I'm winded. I have, however; given Bellamy enough time to pick up a dud shot and stab it into his neck.

Everything is quiet for a long time. Eventually I ask him why he attacked and he reluctantly explains that Shumway set up his shooting of Jaha for a spot on the ship and that he sent Dax after him because he could expose what he'd done once they arrived on the ground.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "Son of a bitch." I breath. Bellamy gives me an oddly relieved face. "Tell me about it." He mutters. He cries later, telling me how his mother raised him to be a better man. I don't think I've ever seen anyone more ashamed of themselves.

* * *

I finally convince Bellamy to talk to Jaha. We're all going to be down here soon and Octavia, as angry as she may be at him right now, needs her big brother. It actually goes a little better than I'd expected. I stayed with them the whole time, we offer Jaha leverage to pardon Bellamy with the names of those who want him dead still in the sky with him.

Raven comes to me later, there had been a breakout of a hallucinogenic nut and apparently everybody but Finn and Raven had eaten some here at camp, she asks me how I'm doing. I level with her with honesty I've never really told anybody. I tell her a half truth about Teddy.

"I don't know what I saw down there in that bunker. He seemed real. It wasn't my father...he was just," I grapple with a word to describe him. She fills it in for me.

"A passenger?" She means it in a way I don't. Teddy has always been a passenger though, so I nod. "That happens. Sometimes we see someone and it just kinda sticks. Like having a nightmare about someone you've never met but in your subconscious you'd seen them just that day." It was something, as a studying medic, I'd learned while working with me. Dozens of people on the Ark had night terrors.

I watch Teddy sitting just in front of us. Raven is oblivious to him but he raises his eyes to mine. Is Teddy just someone I'd seen before? I wait for an answer.

He just smiles at me.

* * *

It's Unity Day today...Raven and Monty have set up a screen in the common grounds to let us see the celebration on the Ark. Several of us are gathered and watching as Jaha gives a speech about how this will be the last Unity Day we all celebrate divided or on the Ark at all. I've never been one for the day to be honest. My father enjoyed it because the idea was peace between all people from all walks of life.

Teddy, who is standing beside me near the drop ship, turns his gaze on me at the thought. Maybe we need a Unity Day down here.

"Someone shut him up." Miller, a guy who got tossed in the Sky Box for stealing, speaks up.

"If you don't want to watch go elsewhere Miller. Nobody is forcing you." Raven quips before looking over and seeing me. She disengages with them and stops beside me where Teddy had been. He seems less bothered by her doing it than Bellamy or Finn.

"Why so glum, chum? Not into Unity Day?" She tucks her hands into her pockets and grins at me.

I scoff before giving her a real smile. "It only happened after the thirteenth station was shot down. That doesn't seem Unity to me but nobody wants to remember that part. It wouldn't be so bad if we just took even a moment to remember the ones who didn't make it this far."

Raven's lips turn into a thoughtful frown before she nods. "True enough, but twelve other stations still came together. There's something to be said for that. All those other nations and peoples still came together despite the violence and their differences and the past. Can't it be better to be hopeful? We should teach this lesson to the Grounders." At the end she nudges my shoulder playfully and we both laugh.

It's nice...having someone real to touch. Teddy, for all his comforts and lessons, still can't really hold my hand or give me a real hug when I need it. I hate that he can't but it is the truth. I used to substitute for him...pretending Wells was him instead so it was something tangible. It didn't always work and it still doesn't so I think I need this. Touchable friends. Teddy will always be the best one though.

Finn joins us a few minutes later. "Everybody enjoying the lovely fake holiday that is our Unity?" He smirks. Raven groans. "Please, not this again." I ask what she means. "Finn has a similar view for Unity Day. If I had an extra ration for every time I've heard him talk about this..." She rolls her eyes. Finn shrugs, still smiling at his friend.

"Peace came from the violence sure but," he arches his shoulders up again helplessly. "Why did there have to be violence in the first place?"

" _Space-ass has a point."_ Teddy mumbles behind me.

* * *

I learn my lesson the first time and stay away from Jasper's Unity Juice. This does not, however; stop me from playing the drinking games. I'm actually pretty good at them. I like playing darts, I'm not to good at that one but it is fun. That's where Raven and Finn find me.

"Hey, as fun as this is, we gotta go for a little walk." She tugs my sleeve. "Come on Princess." I glare at her. She looks stressed though and I figure that this isn't a joking situation so I hand off my turn and follow them.

"Raven, Finn, what is going on?" I let Raven keep hold of my jacket as we make our way almost casually out of camp. Our resident genius shakes her head. "We'll explain in a second." We stop just outside the wall, just out of range of prying eyes.

Finn looks nervous. "We need something like Unity Day down here. I met with the Grounders and set up a meeting," he cuts me off before I can tell him how insane that is. "That grounder, Lincoln, he stabbed me and we tortured him...if he and I can talk like peacefully there has to be hope Clarke."

"Finn is right. This won't stop if we don't try and make it right. He has hope there are others like Lincoln. He saved Octavia's life and he blew the horn for the acid fog so his people would stop hunting us. You said yourself nobody wants to remember the bad parts of history. if we don't change the bard parts are all we're going to have." Raven looks at me expectantly.

_"We've been around Bellamy to much."_ Teddy speaks from just over Raven's shoulder. " _Violence can't always be the answer_."

After I process what they're saying I nod. "Leave the world better than we found it." I answer quietly. I smile when they both break into grins. Teddy follows me closely as I grab my pack, I pass Bellamy, he seems in better spirits or maybe it's just the ones he's drinking. I feel his eyes follow me as I leave. Maybe I should have gone around him to avoid him.

Finn and Raven tell me Octavia and Lincoln are waiting for us. I tell them it could still be a trap and they tell me they know it's a possibility. Raven grins at me, looping our arms together. Fearless. "Where's your Unity Day spirit Princess."

I roll my eyes. "I still hate that nickname." She laughs at me.

Dawn breaks and we make it to the meeting point. Octavia is waiting, I can tell she's nervous, she keeps tugging on her sleeves and her feet twitch impatiently. A cross the bridge I spot movement behind the trees before the Grounder...Lincoln, comes into view. He looks relieved to see Octavia and folds her into his arms.

"Damn, get it girl." Raven whispers. I glare at her. "What? He looks good." Finn chuckles from my other side. "Time and place, please." I remind her. She puffs out a dramatic sigh but nods nonetheless. If it was just Finn here I'm not sure I could do this. I need someone as fearless and ready for something different as Teddy is. When Lincoln turns his eyes on us I step back but Raven takes my hand.

She squeezes it and tugs me forward again. "You can do this, Clarke." I wish I had that confidence in myself.

" _Learn their lessons."_ Teddy turns to me. He'd been watching the bridge. " _Their ways are true for them. If all else fails offer them something, think tactical_." I hold my head a little higher.

We hear them before we see them. I'm awestruck for a moment. Horses. Real live horses with no double heads or charred flesh. That is not what Raven is looking at though. She gives a low whistle. "Hottie with a body." She mumbles under her breath. There are three of them across the bridge. Two men with covered faces and bow and arrows and a woman between them, from this distance I can only see dark paint on her face and dark honey colored hair.

"How can you possibly tell that from here?" Finn whispers.

"Trust me, Reyes knows these things." She smirks.

"Guys...you brought me here for something serious, calm down." I give Raven's hand another squeeze and step forward as the woman dismounts her horse and begins walking to meet us. Raven lets go of my hand but steps forward with me. Lincoln tries to hold her back but she shoves his hands away. "There is no way I am letting her do this alone, if you're gonna shoot me for it...shoot me." She warns him, he nods slowly and she follows me just a step behind.

Up close this woman is...severe. She's beautiful in a different kind of way. She looks like she could be of Asian decent but I' not sure there's any real way to tell now. We stop at the center of the bridge and she eyes me. There's a flare of anger when she meets my eyes and I can tell she finds me _less_ than impressive. I'm not tall, I don't have any scars, I'm not whatever this woman has been trained to be. Her eyes slide to Raven, there's something in her eyes but it's gone just as fast.

"Your name is Clarke?" Her voice is firm, she has no time for whatever she doesn't want or need to know. I nod, suddenly terrified of this woman. Again, her eyes slip to Raven.

"And this one?"

"Raven." Out of the corner of my eye I see Raven clutch the straps of her pack tighter.

The woman looks back at me. She may as well be a stone wall. She presents herself as immovable and that's exactly how I see her. "I'm Anya."

There's a pause. Uncomfortable and I suddenly have the urge to either throw up or turn and run as fast as I can. I still my feelings as Teddy whispers to me, _"We owe our people this peace. We owe it to them to try."_   I do owe it to them so I plant my feet and attempt to look a little more bold. She seems to notice, there's an amused glint in her eye before it's gone.

"Do you all like, shake hands or..." Raven breaks the tension in her own unique brand of Raven. Anya blinks lazily, as if this is a waste of her time. Raven nods slowly. "Cool." She mumbles.

There's no getting around this awkward feeling so I barrel through it. I listen to Teddy as he whispers in my ear. "We got off on the wrong foot," Anya looks confused by the statement. "We don't want anymore bloodshed. We're all here to stay so we should find a way to coexist."

This woman, Anya, watches us like we're insects in her ear. "You start a war you don't know how to end and now you want peace? I understand."

"You attacked us, we didn't do anything wrong." Before I can continue she cuts me off. Her mask slips and she looks angry. Her head dips to the side and she inches forward.

"You burned one of our villages to the ground with those missiles."

Raven turns to me, worried. "The flares." She whispers. She turns to Anya. "That was an accident. We were just trying to let our people know we were here. Until recently we all thought there was nobody down here." She looks like she's ready to cry. The flares were her idea.

"You should do more research in an unfamiliar territory then Little Bird." The woman is almost snarling. "You knew by then we were here when you sent people to capture and torture one of our own."

She had a point, I told her such. She looked unsure before schooling her features again. "We have to end this, don't you see that? There have already been to many losses. We can start again."

Anya asks about the others coming down, she seems dubious at the mention of more armed guards. Raven jumps in. I somehow get the impression she wants to impress her but I'm not sure why. Maybe she's in charge of the other Grounders. She has an air of command about her. "We'll also have doctors, farmers, engineers. We can offer new medicine for your sick, new plants for you to harvest. We can help each other."

She looks between us for a long moment before turning to me. "Can you swear to me the ones coming won't attack us and hold to terms we've set?"

" _Shit_." Teddy hisses. The Ark is an attack first, ask later society because we need our limited supplies. Down here they will shoot first and skip the questions entirely. "I swear I will do my best to explain the situation and why we need each other." It's all I can give right now. I wish we were better, I suddenly feel guilty, I wish I was better. I have spent to much time with Bellamy.

Teddy watches me over Anya's shoulder. " _These people have survived down here for over ninety-seven years, they can't have been at war the whole time or nothing would be left of them."_

Anya looks at me like she wants to choke me for a moment. She gives me a sarcastic smirk. "Hollow words from hollow people. _De Nontu don ait hashta yo_." Their language...I've never heard it up close and it's fascinating and beautiful at the same time, it's also terrifying because I can't understand the words. "Why would I honor an alliance with you if none of you can honor an alliance with us?"

I try a different approach. "If you attack us the people coming down will wipe you out, there's no need for that to happen."

"They wouldn't be the first. _De Nontu_ knows many of your secrets." She won't bite. She's a mountain in a storm, unmovable. Who is she talking about? Who tried to kill these people after the bombs went off? Who else is down here? There's to many questions and not enough time.

There's shouting. I look to see Jasper and Bellamy. Did they follow us here? Jasper fires at the trees while screaming for us to run. Teddy is beside me, his clothes dark.

I grab Raven's arm and pull her back, she hesitates just long enough to look at Anya, I hear her apologize before she follows me and we're ducking to stay away from the arrows. I see Anya take out a blade to defend herself, or maybe kill me because this was a trap all along, her face fall in pain as a bullet caches her shoulder and she retreats. Finn is there in seconds trying to get both of us off the bridge.

Lincoln takes an arrow to the shoulder in the chaos, he shouts at us to run.

* * *

The sad thing is I've been getting used to running like this. The burning pain I'd first felt running for my life, it doesn't burn so bad and I don't gasp for air as long. Teddy keeps swearing as we dart between the trees.

"You know, sad thing is, that is not how I pictured meeting my baby-mamma." Raven jokes as we run. I shout at her and she laughs. Fearless in a different way. "The good news is we made contact and once we're all down here we have a real chance at getting peace because we'll all be together and your mom will listen to you." We start to slow down. "There's still hope Clarke."

"She's right. I don't think she's the one in charge." Finn pants as he holds his side. This was to much to soon for him, I should have had him stay behind. "There weren't enough guards. if you were in charge, really in charge, you'd go with dozens of guards. She's just a messenger." He stands up straight and lets Raven check his injury. "We can still try and make this work."

I glare at Bellamy. "What the hell was that?"

"Hey, they had Grounders in the trees, we saved your lives."

"You cost us a chance at peace. Who knows if we can get another."

"You should be thanking me. They were ready to kill you. You walked into a trap, I didn't have to follow you but I did because I thought maybe something was wrong and I was right. We cannot trust them Clarke!"

I shake my head. Teddy whispers in my ear. "You don't have to, you should've trusted _us_." I motion to Finn and Raven who are both watching closely. "We are trying to make this right. We burned a village to the ground with those flares," I see Raven flinch. "We caught and tortured the only one that seems like he's on our side. We have to make this right or bodies are all that'll be left."

Bellamy stands there, his face is impassive but I can see the wheels turning. He's struggling between the man he thinks we need to have and the one his mother wanted him to be. He eventually shakes his head and stalks off. "Best Unity Day ever," He mumbles.

Finn follows him slowly, I tell him to change his bandage and wash out the cut, he nods halfheartedly. Only Raven stays behind and her shoulders look heavy. "We can still keep trying Princess."

I eye her warily. "You sure you're not just trying to get to Anya?" She grins, her face becoming playfully thoughtful. "I might be." I groan. "Hey I got no shame in my game." She laughs, turning her face skyward. Her smile drops quickly and I turn to look at what she sees. Teddy is just behind me, comforting. Just across the sky there's a ship, I feel happy for a moment and then I remember Raven's face. Her smile fell to fast. I turn to her.

"No parachute...thrusts are off...they're coming in to fast." She shakes her head. "They're gonna crash."

It's a brilliant burst of white before we see smoke billowing into the sky. There's no way anyone survived. I don't notice my knees buckle, or the tears on my face, Raven trying to keep from collapsing in on myself. My mom could have been on that ship and I'd have no way of knowing...I still didn't talk to her after Finn's surgery. I feel the need to pray that she's still on the Ark. I can hear Raven whispering to me as she holds me, my own sobbing finally reaching my ears.

"I've got you." It's the only comfort she has to offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> De Nontu don ait hashta yo-The Father was right about you all
> 
> De Nontu- The Father
> 
> I don't understand how their language works so I'm assuming like English you put one word in front of the other and it just kinda comes together, please correct me if I'm wrong, it's my first language and I still don't get how to string it together half the time :p


	6. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world starts to spin. I lose track of reality and who is who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own The 100!
> 
> Happy reading!

Raven doesn't coddle me, she let's me tag along and search the crash site with the others because she knows I need it. Just like I didn't let Teddy talk me out of it either. Finn means well and even Octavia tried to talk me out of coming but I am not made of glass. I need this closure, especially if my mother was here. I can see Finn and Raven talking about why I came and if I should have.

Teddy looks like he wants to say something but isn't sure what to say, maybe it's because I don't know what to think. His clothes are plain today. Plain white shirt, blue pants, black boots...simple. My mind is not a mystery today. I just want to find my mom.

We end up having to clear the area. There was a leak of fuel and it is extremely combustible so we clear the site and head for camp. I felt relieved. I couldn't take another skeleton. We can come back, maybe, recover who we can and bury them but we will never know who is who. Not ever.

* * *

In between trying to figure out how the ship crashed...Murphy came back. I want to be angry but I can't be. He was cast out because of a choice I made and we turned on him like animals. We banished him because of Charlotte's death but even trying to explain it to Bellamy he'll never believe that what happened to her was always going to happen that way. Murphy is his enemy. The most we can do is keep him from outright murdering Murphy even if it was the agreement.

He looks close to death anyway. Why can't it be enough for him to send him back out? He doesn't look like he'll last the night.

Teddy turns to me, surprised. The guilt gnaws at my heart already for just thinking it. He doesn't have to say it for me to ask myself who I am now. When Finn steps in and argues that he could tell us about the Grounders I agree with him. Murphy isn't telling us a lie this time, I examine his hands...someone has ripped out his fingernails. I stare at him for a long moment and he stares back.

He may be more wild than the rest of us but even Murphy couldn't do this to himself.

I tell Bellamy we wait for him to get better, get what he knows from him and then send him back outside. I tell him we kill him if he refuses to leave.

" _So you're a real killer now Clarke?"_ Teddy calls after me as I exit the drop ship.

It won't come to that.

He's in front of me now. _"You said yourself we can't survive down here on chaos. He wants safety and we turn him out after they tear him apart? Charlotte is dead because of a choice_ she _made, Murphy had nothing to do with it. She was a little girl pushed to the edge and we were all involved. She killed your best friend and accused someone innocent of the crime...and you banish him."_ I continue to ignore him at every turn. " _How is that justice?"_

He finally stands in front of me, unmovable, even if I want to imagine him somewhere else. He looks different. There are scars on his face and neck, marks of a survivor in the wild. _"Who do you think you are Clarke?"_

I'm the one making hard calls, just like Bellamy.

He frowns at me. " _That doesn't make it okay_." No it doesn't but I don't know what else to do. The disappointment on his face hurts worse than hearing the words.

I need space away from him. I step into a tent and accidentally find Raven. She's fiddling with something, a radio, but looks up when I enter. I apologize and try to leave but she stops me. Her hand on my arm. "Clarke...what is it?"

"I just," I try to form the words around my mouth but my mind won't cooperate. "Why is all of this so..." I grunt in frustration. "I just want...and they're all..." I let out another grunt of frustration. Raven is giving me an amused stare. I must look like an idiot. "What am I supposed to do?"

She nods me over to the table. "I got this up and running," that makes me feel better. "but there's something wrong. It's like the Ark shut off their own signal." I ask her why they would do that. "They wouldn't." She gives me a level stare. "Something went wrong. There's bad juju going around." Being her usual self actually makes me smile. I'm not sure anybody else could say juju with a straight face and mean it like she does.

I go to excuse myself, knowing she was trying to distract me from the issues going on. She stops me again. "I am sorry about your mom. If there's a chance anyone survived down here or up there it's her though. She loves you to much to quit." She pauses and looks at me. Her expression changes from worry to panic. "Dude your eyes are bleeding!" She jumps up and hands me a rag.

I touch my cheeks, sure enough. Glancing outside I notice the same thing happening to others. No, not others, the ones who brought Murphy in. I turn to Raven. "Quarantine yourself. Do not leave this tent unless you have to." She nods, warning me to be careful.

* * *

We were waiting for the Grounders to fight back in a more obvious way. Arrows, attacks on scouting and hunting parties...something easy! They are far more intelligent than we gave them credit for. They are using Murphy to make us all sick. Biological warfare. We underestimated them and they were counting on that. On our arrogance that we knew more than they did. I practically spat it in Anya's face.

Whatever this is I've never seen anything like it. It acts almost like radiation poisoning but it acts much more viciously. It's like it's melting people's insides. Murphy is spewing up blood and Derek seizes before spitting out blood and collapsing. It seems to spread on contact. I have no idea how this virus works other than contact. Derek died within just a few hours of touching Murphy.

We set up a quarantine on the drop ship. I send Finn out with Raven so they don't catch it. Octavia is mad when I tell Bellamy we'll have her up on the third floor with the others who we're not sure got sick at all but she grins when I tell her I need her to sneak out and contact Lincoln. So far he's the only one on our side and we need to know what he knows, if he knows anything.

A second one is lost in just another few hours.

Teddy looks afraid for me but I find an odd sense of calm in this. I used to feel the same way when my mom would let me shadow her on the Ark. This is my field and though I don't know the illness I know I'm going to do everything I can to help my people.

The infection doesn't work how I think it does or maybe people have had more contact than we'd thought. There's suddenly a rapid influx of infection outside and there's panic. We are a predictable creature, I realize, as we are turning on each other exactly how they want us to. We cannot lose ourselves to this. Not after everything else.

* * *

Before almost passing out Raven and Finn are both at my side. "We don't know how this spreads Clarke. We probably already have it." Raven nods for Finn to pick me up. "We're your friends, let us help." He insists. "Besides you two get to do all the cool stuff. Talking down Grounders on a bridge? Let me get some glory." He tries to joke but his mouth is set in a thin line.

Finn makes a better friend than I thought he would at the beginning. Raven I think has a will to strong to allow her to get sick. She helps Finn get me onto the ship. The world starts to spin. I lose track of reality and who is who. I can hear Octavia but I can hear him too, telling me everything will be okay. I feel like I'm being dipped in a pot of boiling water and there are insects crawling over my skin at the same time.

The world spins again, I see green and I hear him calling me.

"Teddy."

* * *

There's a boy. He's sitting beside a crib and singing a song I've heard before. He looks up when I try and get closer. He sees me. He smiles.

There's a forest with butterflies that don't glow in the dark or emit radiation.

There's a canyon, rich and red and larger than life. It's gone in a blast.

There's a buried statue of a woman, she holds a torch that once lead people far and wide to the shore.

There's a tower, tall and ominous with a torch burning at its steeple.

I dream of a girl.

* * *

In and out of fever dreams I drift for an amount of time I can't keep track of. I wonder where Raven and Finn are, if they're still okay. I hear whispers of them making something to stall an attack. If this fever doesn't kill me the sickness from the constant motion will. My mouth waters and my vision swims. I lose consciousness before I can empty my stomach of contents it no longer has.

I dream of the girl again. She has dark hair and deep green eyes. She walks by me, she can't see me...she sits beside a woman with their backs to me. They speak and I can't begin to understand them. I lack the energy even in my dreams.

The image changes like dipping paint into water, slowly, lazily.

Teddy is here but he doesn't look like himself. He looks tired and sits heavily on a chair. There's a red cloak draped across his shoulders. His eyes meet mine and he smiles.

"Teddy, what is going on? I can't," I can't think straight. I've never seen these things or these people.

"They used to burn people who had dreams like this once. They called them witches. Now we usually call it De Ja Vu. You see a glimpse of something in a dream and when you happen upon it in the world outside you feel strange." Teddy stands slowly. He's taller than usual. "People have always had dreams like this. A nervous girl dreams of her first music class. A boy dreams of his first time flying across the sky."

"A premonition?"

He smirks at me. "You won't remember this part. You'll feel something if you see it...but you won't remember. Your head is," he waves his right hand over his head."To caught up in the sickness it'll all just be a fever dream. You'll remember how it felt seeing them though."

"Why tell me if I won't remember."

"Images are important. They tell us things about ourselves."

"Why would I see you like this then?" I motion to him.

"Images are important. This would be too...if you weren't so sick. If you could remember how you see me now. That would be important."

I'm slipping. "Teddy I don't understand. Raven said something similar the other day." I look at him again like I'm seeing him for real. He looks severe. As if this world, his world, starts and ends with my knowing something I can't keep hold of. I stare into his eyes and he stares back into mine and sees right through me. "Who are you?"

"Patience is a virtue Clarke."

* * *

I wake up with an odd feeling of confusion and hopefulness. I feel better, my stomach isn't in knots and my head has finally stopped spinning. I slowly get up to help Murphy with Bellamy. He asks me if I'm feeling better. I tell him I do. Some of my insides still feel like they're covered in sand but I do feel much better. He asks me if I trust Murphy. I tell him that while I don't I do believe in second chances and that maybe we should be those kinds of people.

"We need to get everyone inside." Bellamy insists.

"You don't believe they can do it, do you?"

"Do you?' He looks at me, I think he hopes I'll agree with him but I don't.

"Yes."

* * *

I grin when I see the cloud of smoke. I hope everyone is okay but I feel like everything went okay and our people got it done. It's a good feeling. Teddy smiles beside me. I decide I don't care if he's just a face I've seen somewhere else or if he's someone I made. He looks at me, his eyes are bright. He's _my_ best friend. I don't care who else can see him or how fractured he becomes...as long as he is still with me I'll have a better angel to follow.

When they come back and I see Finn carrying Raven my stomach drops. Ignorance was a better bliss. I had thought she was still safe with the others who were immune.

I try not to yell at her as I check her over. She's drifting like I was when I first caught it. She's a few hours in already. "That was incredibly stupid Raven, what were you planning on doing? Blowing yourself up?"

"Had to do something." She mumbles.

"You had to be responsible! This is the exact opposite." I try and hold my temper. I can't fault her for doing what she feels is right. She takes a sip of the water I offer her and smiles.

"Yeah...but the look on your face right now is pretty funny." She rasps, choking on her laughter for a moment. I roll my eyes.

"Can you ever not be you Reyes?"

"That's like asking a fish not to swim Princess." She still smiles as I help her lay back. I tell her she's infuriating she tells me she knows. Finn is wringing his hands together, still worried despite his best friends bedside humor.

I assure him she's getting better and come morning she'll be the same energetic genius she always is. He laughs. They're the only family they have left, so he worries and he stays with her after I leave.

We end up burying fourteen graves from the sickness. It twists my heart uncomfortably. We are supposed to protect each other and I feel a need to protect everybody else. There will always be more death and it'll never be okay but a part of me is grateful it wasn't more. Another part of me says this wouldn't have happened if that meeting had gone better the other day.

Bellamy tells me something Octavia heard from Lincoln. Something about Mountain Men. I don't know what that means anymore than I know who Nontu is. Everyday just raises more questions. We now have enemies we didn't know we ever had.

I stare again at the graves before heading inside. Teddy whispers in my ear.

"Fourteen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short blurb to help get me going where I need to go with this. Hope you liked it.
> 
> ~Pocketism


	7. Hard Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Teddy is...a passenger."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Close to the end of the first season. I don't think I'll go as far as the third season or if I do I'll branch at the end of the second (because I need those interactions and meetings with Lexa) and have an enemy of The Father instead of The 100s. It'll be clear later why they still need to fight the Mountain.
> 
> I still don't own The 100 but I do still own Teddy!
> 
> Happy reading!

Days after bombing the bridge there's still no attacks. Most of us managed to survive the infection but I know they're still out there and that they still want our blood. Anya was right we did start a war and if we had done more to see where we are and started all of this differently we wouldn't have. That's for the past. Teddy always tells me it's easier to look behind you than to see ahead.

Raven is busy making split shots for the moment. Finn is trying his best to help, he's just not as fast as she is. We don't know when we're getting more ammunition or if there's anybody left to come down so we have to make every shot count. I try and hold out hope that there's still somebody up there, that if my mom did make it she's okay.

But the days are long and sometimes my hope becomes fickle.

* * *

There's a fire. It takes out the smokehouse in minutes. I try and stay calm, panicking won't solve the problem. Teddy is watching someone, I follow his line of sight. Murphy. I make a note to keep an eye on him. Murphy is a snake, maybe if we hadn't been so hard on him when we accused him it would be different but it isn't and this is where we are.

_"People deserve a second chance Clarke. Until they don't."_

Without knowing when the Grounders will attack we have to carefully go and hunt. There isn't enough food for us to outlive whatever attack is coming. I tell Bellamy we need to hunt, that we don't have another choice and we really don't. But I can't go alone. Teddy looks irritated at the thought but I know he knows what I mean. I need someone who can offer real protection. His clothes are dark today.

A few groups of parties are gathered, one gun for each for the Grounders. A kid, Miles,  seems eager to want to join me. Raven side steps him and grabs a knife from the weapon rack we've slowly been building. She grins at me. "Ready to do this thing?" She flips the blade casually across her palm. I can feel my face turn to confusion. I shake my head.

"What about the ammo?"

"She put me on detail." I turn to see Finn standing beside Miles. He looks aggravated. "I still think I should go, I'm a good tracker." He clenches his hands together. He's worried for her to be out there. The brunette rolls her eyes and smiles. "I will be fine, I need to get out of here I'm going insane. I gotta stretch my legs a little. I may not be as good a tracker as you are but you showed me a thing or two we'll manage."

Finn nods slowly. He tells us to be careful and heads out to finish the rounds. Miles, who seems awfully excited, beams at us. Says he hasn't gotten the chance to really spend time with us or Finn and Monty. "Oh, I can tell you how I got locked up on the Ark." He can't be older than fifteen. It's impossible. Raven and I share a glance, she grins- she's trying not to laugh. "So jacked to hear all about it bud." She offers and I sigh.

This will be a long day but I need the distraction from the constant dark thoughts of what may have happened to my mom.

While he talks, Raven quietly tells me she has plans with Monty to make radios. That is the best idea I've heard all day.

* * *

"If I have to hear this kid's panic talk all damn day...I may lose it." Raven hisses. It's been hours and Miles keeps talking, he talks about everything and continues to ask questions of both of us. I understand her frustration but it's clear from how he talks he just wants to fit in. He shouldn't be down here with the rest of us. He's just a kid.

_"He looks like he's ready to vomit or wet himself. Maybe both. probably both_." Teddy watches him, his eyebrows stay low but arch upwards in contemplation of Miles. " _He should've stayed at camp."_

I know he should have but he wanted to come and we needed a third person and a gun.

" _I don't think he can shoot a target five feet in front of him."_

We have to make do.

Raven is following tracks, Miles asked if they were a panthers, she stops to stare at him. "It's a boar. Panthers have paws," Miles doesn't look like he's getting it. Raven sighs and looks back at the tracks in the mud. "The Real Problems of The Ark-Lads." She quips. "I'd watch that show." I glare at her and she just smirks.

We keep going for another ten minutes before Raven stops. I ask her what's wrong and she turns to me, her eyes are worried. "These tracks aren't right. I should have noticed before," she takes out her knife. "We have to go back."

"What is it?"

"Look at them Clarke, no animal makes a mark that perfect in _mud_! There's no half-steps or partial tracks." She waves at them impatiently.

Fear. My chest clenches and I glance quickly to the trees behind Raven before meeting her gaze.

"They were planted."

"And we fell for it. We have to go." She turns to Miles. "Get that gun ready, we don't have a lot of time." He nods and uses the scope to check the tree line. He says he can't see anything but he doesn't know how the Grounders move, he isn't trained for that.

Raven and I both flinch as an arrow lodges itself in his thigh. He gasps, lowering the gun when another hits his chest. I feel Raven tug me down to the ground and I hurry to check Miles. He won't last long, even less with the Grounders out here. He gasps in pain. Turning to my friend I ask silently what we should do, she shakes her head. We cannot carry him out of here. None of us would make it.

"If we lead them away and lose them we can come back for him but right now we have to go." She whispers an apology to Miles and pulls me to my feet.

Everything happens before I can really register it. I see the man, dressed in dark clothes with a mask before I really understand that he's there. His eyes are dark and they burn with a hatred I can't begin to understand. I can hear Teddy calling me before the pain strikes, a flash across my jaw. My world turns and I'm looking up at the trees. I try to call Raven, she turns back to me but another Grounder is on her the second she does.

My vision blurs but I still know who it is that comes to stand over me. The black blots of paint over her eyes and dark honey-colored hair. Her voice drips with malice.

Anya.

* * *

They're leading us through the trees. We'll have to go back for Miles' body later- if they didn't take him. I try to check Raven for a concussion but we never have the time. Our wrists are tied and we're hauled to our feet, Raven still unconscious. They carry her until she wakes several minutes later, I don't hide my relief at seeing her alive.

They lead us to a broken house. It's dark. I feel scared, no, _terrified_. Raven presses her shoulder to mine.

"Are you okay?" Her voice is low.

"I should be asking you that. Try and stay awake, tell me if you feel like sleeping suddenly or get sick...I can't tell in here if you may have a concussion or not."

"I'll live. How long did we walk?"

"About three miles after a creek. I don't think that matters though. You blindfold prisoners so they can't tell the enemy. I don't think this place matters to them."

They lead us into a separate room and after a moment someone walks between us. It's Anya.

"Hey it's baby mamma." Raven being Raven...decides it's time to make a joke and I force myself not to roll my eyes.

"Raven!" I hiss. "Time and place, we talked about this."

"Hey if she's gonna kill us anyway what does it matter now?" She turns back to Anya. "Hey girl." Oh my god.

Anya raises a brow. "I am unfamiliar with your phrasing _Skaipeka_." Her eyes meet mine. "It doesn't matter." She pulls a small sword from her back and Raven tries to push herself in front of me but the others hold her in place. I want to cry but all I can hear is a choked sob.

I blink in surprise when she cuts the ties around my wrists instead. I look up at her. Why would she do this?

"What do you want from us?"

She steps to the side and one of her men pull back a blanket revealing a little girl. She can't be any older than eight. She's gasping for breath and I wonder what it is they've done to her. Anger pulls at my insides and I glare at Anya. She meets my gaze with no emotion. She nods to the child and tells me to help her. "This one dies if you don't." She motions to Raven with her dagger.

"It's like that though?"

I close my eyes. Raven will only ever be Raven.

"I thought we had something special." She continues to joke. Anya glances her over but otherwise ignores her, though I swear for half a second the corner of her mouth twitches upwards. Teddy is smirking from his place beside the girls bed. He's still in dark clothes but his smile gives me confidence. So does Raven's commentary.

Fearless.

"Her name is Tris." Anya tells me quietly. Looking at her I can see the worry in her eyes.

"I don't have any equipment, I don't even know what's wrong with her." I want to save this girl but I have nothing to even begin trying. My eyes meet Anya's again. "Why do you think I can save her? Why me?"

"President told her." Raven answers the question without even thinking.

President? I turn to Raven and she waits for it to click. "Lincoln." I turn back to this terrifying woman in front of me. "He told you I could help her?"

She tells me their healer is gone and they have no one else to help her. "For your friend's life I truly hope you can." We both ignore Raven mumbling about a broken heart. She goes to help them collect supplies and I stop her, I have to know for both my own curiosity and how to treat her injuries. Anya gives me a calm look, like she knows telling me this truth will tear something open in me I can't close. "She was on the bridge when the bomb exploded."

I can see Raven freeze. We did this to her. How could they have children in fights like this? It makes me stop and realize that most of us are just kids too. Not this young but Miles was a kid and now he's gone. When did this happen? When did it become okay? I swallow the ice in my throat and nod.

* * *

I convince them to untie Raven, I need more than just two hands with this. I can see the guilt on her face as she watches Tris struggle to breathe. Her comments have stopped and she does everything with a little more force in her self-hatred. I ask her to help me sit Tris up when she begins rasping for air. It sounds like she's choking on blood.

I press an ear to her back. "There's no air flow in her left lung." I think it may be fluid but I have no way to know for sure. I notice marks on Tris' shoulder, raised welts. They're placed perfectly apart. They're intentional. It just raises more questions and a new desire to learn more about this culture. We have to find a way to live together. We have to know what they know and we can teach them too.

First thing's first, however.

"What's wrong with her lung?" Raven is worrying her bottom lip. I tell her there's most likely fluid pressing on it and she looks confused. "There's no entry wounds on her."

I shake my head as I motion for her to help me lower the girl back down. "Trauma from the blast." I can see her swallow and blink back tears. We turn to each other. "There weren't supposed to be people on the bridge. They were supposed to shoot it _before_." She whispers, her throat is bobbing from swallowing her sobs. "I didn't want to hurt anybody."

"I know that. Jasper made that shot after Bellamy got sick but this isn't just on you or me or him...we all brought us here Raven. You don't get to take all the blame."

"It was my idea."

"We supported it. We're all guilty." I look back to Tris who is still getting worse and beginning to down from her own blood. I turn to the guards and tell them what I need. I can't be sure this will work or if it'll kill her. At this point all I know is it has to be better for her than this struggle.

I make an incision between her ribs. I silently pray this works. I apologize to her quietly. Teddy is just behind my shoulder. I need his comfort. After I insert the tube her breathing becomes easier and she relaxes. She's still in a great deal of pain but this seems like it's working. I feel a glimmer of hope.

"What are you doing?" Anya pushes me away from her.

"No, no don't take out the tube! There was blood pressing on her lungs, it'll help her. I don't know if that's all that wrong but she's already doing better." I nod to the girl, she seems to be taking in larger gasps of breath and her coughing has stopped. Anya doesn't seem to know what to do so she has her men take us to the side and wait. She stands over her and doesn't move.

There's a long silence, unbreakable. Raven finally breaks it. "Why would you send a kid into a battle?"

Anya doesn't look away from Tris, I notice her paint is gone. "She is my second, it's how we train our people to fight. Be warriors."

"Do you people ever not have a damn fight going on?" I pull her back a little and she lets me. "How do you survive if it's all just blood baths?" She's lashing out and maybe she needs this but now isn't the time to antagonize the enemy.

The woman doesn't seem bothered by Raven's questioning. She meets her eyes finally. Calmly. "Not every day is a war _Skaipeka_." She pauses. "But some days are, we must follow _Heda_. If she names you the enemy you are our enemy and you have been our enemy since you invaded our lands."

Raven bites back a response and turns to me. "The fuck did she just call me? That's the third time."

"I don't speak Grounder." I mumble. "Just...be patient and maybe we won't be killed here."

* * *

Raven still feels awful, she keep fiddling with her fingers and things she finds throughout the room to distract herself. Anya glances over at us from time to time. I'm at a loss for what to do besides wait, my mind painfully blank. Teddy continues to walk in circles around the room. I removed the tube and sealed the cut as best I could with what we have. Anya assures me they'll patch her up once she arrives back in their village.

Tris is breathing better and her skin is no longer covered in sweat. My chest lightens with the knowledge that I saved this girl's life. She won't die because of a war we can't seem to stop but maybe this is where we can begin to mend the gap.

"She'll become stronger for this." Anya seems more certain than I feel, despite my hopes. She nods to her people and they carefully gather the girl. "She'll be returned to our village where she'll recover and wait for my return to resume her training." She dips her head to me. " _Mochof_." I have nothing to assume it means anything but thank you so I nod.

"Those marks...what are they?" I know she knows what I mean from the look in her eyes. "We mark them after a kill in combat. The Commander is the only one who has so few besides the children." She leaves it open for me to understand that whoever this Commander is...they have to many kills to count.

"She's a child."

She stares at me, her face unreadable. "There are no real children in this world. The moment you age out to become a warrior...that is all you are." She leaves and her guard watches over as instead.

"We saved her, we can go now can't we?"

"Anya offers you a place with us. Our clan." The guard answers. That statement makes me nervous. I ask him if we'd still be able to go home if we went with him. I see pity in his eyes as he tells me there won't be anything left. I turn to Raven and seeing her fear I make a choice. it may not be right but it's mine. Teddy stands behind the guard.

I ask him about his marks. He unclips his armor to show me, it makes me feel sick. I don't even know if that's all of them but I feel bad for him. That he had to leave a childhood behind for all of...this. I silence my thoughts and glance at Teddy. He nods. I have no room for doubts and he knows that. I kick out the guard's knee as he shows me his kills. I think he may even be proud of them.

He doesn't see the scalpel. I don't think Raven did either, I can hear her gasp as I cut his throat. I cover his mouth so he doesn't scream. We have to get out of here and warn the others. I can't feel weakness. I can't waver. I can't turn back.

_"The only way through is forward."_

I won't let anyone else bear this burden with me. His death is mine. He's my mark to take and my guilt to bear. Maybe someday it'll be better but today I stare into the eyes of a stranger and take his life. I owe it to him to meet his eyes. He's angry but I see understanding.

I motion for Raven to follow. She doesn't hesitate and she doesn't look at me differently either. I see her understanding too.

We never make it back to the camp. There's a sharp pain at my ankle and the world is suddenly upside down. I can hear Raven shouting my name before I black out.

* * *

Teddy is here. We're standing side by side, watching the ocean. "It's beautiful isn't it?"

I nod.

"Clarke,"

I stop him, I have to. He'll do exactly what I want him to and I don't want that. I don't deserve the peace he offers me. "I killed a man today. He wasn't armed or going to kill me...and I killed him anyway. I did that, Teddy."

"Yes you did. You also did it so you could warn your friends. You've all said it, this is war. Sometimes it demands sacrifice."

"That's not fair. Good lives aren't just built on sacrifice. We shouldn't have to kill people or each other. I didn't imagine you, again, a pessimist."

"Maybe you know you need a realist."

He watches me carefully. His hair is shorter now. "Life has never been fair Clarke. The thing is what we're all doing isn't unique to us. The world has always been about survival of the fittest. I think they forgot that a while ago for a _long_ time but this world is the same as it ever was. There may be a few new rules but if you want to live you fight for it. That has _always_ been the way."

"You told me we deserve better."

"We do. You do." I sense something else coming and I turn to him expectantly. He has that look that tells me this is another lesson.

"This world is sink or swim, and if you can swim then sometimes people have to drown."

"Who do I become if I believe that?"

He watches me for a long tense moment that feels like forever. "You become the person that kills an unarmed man to save your friends." 

I turn away from him, his hard truths and all the comfort he usually offers. I think about our time in the cell, our hopes about the Ground and what it would be like. I want to scream because I had wanted my life- our lives- to be about so much more than this.

"Your choice doesn't make you a monster. Stuck between a rock and a hard place we make the best choice we can with what we have." He offers quietly.

* * *

Anya is watching us from the fire. She's invited us to come closer but Raven and I both refused.

After an hour long silence Raven turns to me, eyes concerned. "Clarke, who's Teddy? You called for him once when you were sick and while you were unconscious you said it again? Was he a friend back on the Ark?"

" _Shit_." Teddy is curled up beside me, arm tight across my shoulders. I panic but relax. Raven is a good friend. A real one.

I shake my head. "Teddy is...a passenger." I shrug. She looks unsure. "I'm not crazy, I swear. Truth is I don't really know who he is but he's here." I tell her everything in a hushed voice, she listens, eyes wide and really hearing what I'm saying.

"I think I first saw him when I was four. I was crying about something, I don't remember what anymore, and then there he was. Back then he wasn't much older than me. I pictured him that way. He sat with me and told me everything would be okay. I believed him and for the most part he was right. I've always called him Teddy. He looks kind of like me and I don't know if I've seen him somewhere before or if this is just who I imagine gives me the most comfort."

She nods.

"I know it's a little crazy to hold onto an imaginary friend for so long but for a while he was all I had. If I couldn't talk to my parents or Wells...there was always Teddy. He helps me sort through how I feel and what I'm really thinking."

"Subconscious thoughts." Raven seems oddly impressed. "I don't think you're crazy Princess. I think you needed a coping method. You always might. Imaginary friends aren't uncommon in people. What do you talk about?"

"Everything. The only problem we really have is he's still just a part of my own mind. He'll tell me what I want to hear and if there are darker thoughts that's who he becomes too. He's just a reflection. He's given me a lot of comfort with making choices down here though. I honestly don't know if I can just let go."

"You don't have to. Your secret buddy is safe with me. Just don't let him make a pass at me." She smirks at the end. Teddy scoffs. " _You wish_." I ignore him.

There's another long silence and I become uncomfortable with Anya's stares but I hold them. I can't waver. I don't know what she'll do with us, if she'll kill us or take us to this Commander or Nontu or even the Mountain Men. Teddy can't help me plan that far ahead for enemies we know nothing about. There's a call to the left and the Grounders in camp are on their feet and ready to attack.

Anya is calm. "You're not an enemy are you Tristen?" I don't imagine their names spell like ours do, some of the letters sound different around her mouth and I picture names on a list as I've never seen them before. I have a passing thought of wondering if they have a written language. It's clear they understand ours well enough.

He advances on Raven and I. I crowd her behind me, even as she tries to do the same to me. I ask him who he is. He's bald and his skin is covered in what looks like ash and dirt. He gives me an odd look that I can't read. Certainty perhaps?

"I'm the one sent to end your threat to our people."

Anya is beside us then, she looks angry but I see the flash of hurt in her eyes before it's gone. "The Commander sent you?" He tells her she was failing at her duty and that her rangers are his. She looks away, the hurt is back. Who is this Commander.

"Don't look so upset Anya, The Father agreed with the Commander's choice and he knows more about these people and the Mountain Men than we do. Perhaps if you had done this right the first time you wouldn't have to bear their disappointment."

"Who is the father?" I blurt out before I can stop myself, Raven jerks my arm for it.

The only other woman here turns to us. "Do not concern yourself with _De Nontu_ or the Commander."

_Nontu_ means Father. I hold onto that information. Whoever Anya was talking about on the bridge is the same one speaking with their Commander. Maybe he was one of the people from the Ark but if Anya's words are anything to go by he is less than friendly for us to engage with. We need to learn more about these people. I still refuse to give up the hope that Raven and I can escape this.

I'm calm even as he comes at us with a knife.

"Signal fire!"

Raven turns to me. "How are you so calm right now?" She hisses in obvious distress. "Is it Teddy? Share the wealth I am _freaking_ out!" I smile and hold her hands as best I can.

"It's not Teddy, but I know we won't die today." Or maybe it is Teddy and I can't tell the difference anymore.

I get a doubtful stare. "How do you know that?"

"I just do. We could have been killed after we helped Tris but here we are. He could've killed us after they saw that fire but he didn't."

"Do you not hear him telling this guy to kill us?" Raven is still panicking. I tell her it will be okay.

* * *

I wake up on the back of a horse. There's someone behind me. They must've knocked us out. There's a fire...someone, no, Teddy is standing beside it. I call for Raven and get no answer. I begin to panic but the rider stops us at a fire and lets me off first. My hands are tied. I shuffle back and see them get off. Raven is slumped in the saddle.

" _Relief has never felt this good."_ Teddy whispers standing close to me.

The rider cuts my bindings and allows me to pull Raven down.

"Are you okay?" I hear him before I see him, Finn, he helps me get Raven to the ground. I hug him. Even Teddy seems relieved to see Finn. "Is she," he grips one of Raven's hands and looks up at me with a stricken face, pale with worry. I shake my head at the implication.

"She's alive. We were just knocked out...wait, how did you get here?"

He turns to the Grounder that brought the brunette and I here. It's Lincoln. I've never been so happy to see this quiet man. Turned out he set the signal fire for, what had they called them, Reapers? A distraction and a good idea. I thank him.

"Don't thank me yet," he nods back across the black valley where all we can see is the other flame but it quickly goes out. "She knows." He hefts Raven over his shoulder and tells us to run after sending the horse a different direction. He explains where we're going and that we need to get there fast if we want a chance to warn our people.

Raven is awake by the time we reach the tunnels but still wobbly. Finn takes her ahead of me.

I turn to Lincoln. I ask him why. We're running out of time. "The Father is like your people and the Mountain Men but he doesn't believe violence is the answer." It's simple and to the point, he rushes me into the tunnel and follows moments after.

There's a shout of rage minutes later. It's muffled from distance and our rushed footsteps against the wet stone but I can hear Anya as we run. Back in that house before we saved Tris it was a controlled anger, this is wild fury. I'm grateful for the head start as I would never want to meet that woman on the battlefield.

" _Small miracles!"_ Teddy calls from ahead of me, he turns to grin at me for a moment.

* * *

We continue on for what feels like miles and hours. Raven is walking on her own again and thanking Lincoln almost every ten minutes. He lights a fire and makes a torch for us to go by, he's quiet as he seems unsure about the girl who can't seem to be quiet for to long. I shush her and she finally silences herself. I'm not sure Lincoln has ever said very much in his life. He's almost completely silent as we move through the darkness. He broods.

 He says it will lead us closer to our people and that we have to move quickly or Anya and Tristen will cut us off.

 Miles later Lincoln puts out the torch, I want to ask him why but I hear them now. Muffled like Anya was. He whispers, "Reapers." 

"What does that mean? Who are they?" I can hear Finn, he sounds anxious. A hand grabs mine, it's to small to be either Lincoln or Finn and the quiet man would never reach for someone that wasn't Octavia and certainly not out of fear. I can feel Teddy close to my shoulder, as usual. Even in the darkness I imagine him in dark clothes and ready to attack whoever is out there.

There's another shout.

Whoever.

There's a small light just around a bend in the darkness. They have a fire. I've never been more aware of how my body moved than going down this dark path. My heart sputters in fear as we finally see them. They're loud, obnoxious even. That's not what makes my stomach drop. There are containers with human bodies. I don't know what they do with them and I'm not sure I ever want to.

_"Stay close and quiet Clarke. Think like a hunter."_ He's right.

None of us expect Lincoln to volunteer to distract them. He gives Finn his book with the map of the tunnels and tells us Anya's plans quickly and softly.

Everything blurs after that.

A rush of shouts and running, Raven squeezes my hand tight the whole time. I refuse to let the panic set in. Not yet. It's daybreak by the time we reach the end. Raven takes a deep gasp of air and grins, hugging us both before she- _inevitably_ -becomes herself again. That makes Teddy smile, still dressed in his dark guard uniform.

"Baby mamma tries to kill us, minor set back." She boasts. Finn breaks into a grin, relieved she's okay. "Only you would think that's minor." He hugs her again.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "We have to move, double time. Who knows how much we lost down there." They agree and we head off as fast as we can, Finn using the map to direct us. My relief at being away from whatever those...monsters, really were is short lived as the gravity of what's about to happen sinks in. My chest feels like there's a ball of ice on it. This feels a lot like dread.

My certainty of escaping death earlier is gone, maybe it was all just bravado, maybe it was really all just Teddy like Raven suggested. Either way my courage is all but gone and instinct forces my legs to move as we charge through the trees. Teddy is beside me the whole way.

* * *

Murphy had killed people while he was here, Bellamy tells us after we finally arrive. His escape explains the explosion we heard on the way back to camp. I glance at Teddy who is just behind Bellamy. He shakes his head.

_"Fool me once."_

He's right. If we ever see him again there won't be anymore chances. Bellamy will never allow it.

Bellamy refuses to leave when we tell him about the situation, and he's right too. We are on the ground. Who even knows if the village Lincoln told us about will really take us in? Maybe if we run we won't ever stop. I still believe there's a way to win this, a way for us to make peace but maybe the only way to do that is to make them understand that we are here to stay. Maybe not.

I tell the others that while Bellamy is right we still may not find another safe haven and that it won't change the fact that _finding_ another safe place won't matter if we all stay and die, it won't matter. We stay and die or take a chance and live, if only for another day.

My confidence is gone but I still have some hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll see Clarke rely on Teddy a little less eventually as this goes on. Most of her life he's been what she needs and while Wells was her best friend she's never been pushed like this and imaginary friends only offer as much comfort as a childhood blanket inevitably does for an adult, little. 
> 
> He is also...imaginary. If she doesn't think of him he isn't there. In a tough spot she always gives him a second thought because he's that childhood blanket she can't let go of yet.
> 
> No I didn't kill Tris, she's a kid and deserves a chance to live :p No I didn't cripple Raven (yes I understand why the show does it but this isn't the show.)
> 
> De Nontu- The Father  
> Skaipeka- Small bird
> 
> ~Pocketism


	8. Sacrifices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> War demands sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't own The 100. Teddy will always be mine :)
> 
> Happy readings!

The camp is a cacophony of noise as people pack up what they can while trying not to panic. I'm trying not to panic. Teddy's clothes are plain today and his eyes are bright and calm, his peace is the only thing keeping me from diving off the edge. Bellamy asks for other options, still refusing to believe the answer is running. He goes over Lincoln's notebook for the third time in an hour.

 Raven re-enters the drop ship. "You should be super thankful Murphy is a crap-shot too." I bite back a grin but I can hear Teddy and Finn chuckling behind me despite the situation. "He could've hit the fuel, rocket fuel by the way," she gestures with her hands in an upward motion. "Boom, bye-bye Ark-Lads."

Bellamy gives her a curious look. "Ark-Lads? Really?"

"Yeah, catchy right?" She grins.

A thought passes and Teddy holds onto it, proverbial light bulb. I turn to Raven in between packing up what little medical supplies we've managed to collect.

"Rocket fuel?" She nods. "Enough to build a bomb?"

"Loads of 'em. It's all inert without gun powder though." She shrugs. Damn it.

Bellamy suggests using the Reapers. Finn quickly shuts him down. They're like rabid animals, they act on instinct and lower functions as far as we've seen. The enemy of my enemy is not my friend in this case. Otherwise it would have been the best possible idea. I ignore Finn and Bellamy argue over the fight and why it's happening. I help Raven pack up a few supplies for extra radios.

"You doing okay?" She hadn't mentioned feeling sick or being tired so I don't think she got a concussion from our time with Anya and her men. She gives me a fake smile.

"I really wanted us to work it out. I think I may have screwed it with that bomb."

"We were all involved. They used Murphy to attack us with something we've never seen before. We're all taking blame here." She still feels bad about being the reason that girl was ever hurt in the first place but what I said is true. We all supported that idea, maybe if we'd shared the responsibility before...I shake off the thought. The dead are gone. "We have to move forward Raven. We can do this if we're together."

She nods. "Wish I had a Teddy, I could use the confidence boost." Her laugh is strained.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "You have enough confidence for all of us." There's a moment and Teddy steps back. "I wish I was half as fearless as you are."

"I am not fearless."

"Flirting with a woman who was threatening to kill you is _fearless_ and a little badass."

She lets the words sink in and I see her shoulders square and her eyes get a little brighter. She turns to me with a grin. "It was wasn't it?" I smile and bring her into a one-armed hug.

Finn and Bellamy are still arguing. Raven tells them to shut up and get back to work and invites Bellamy to stay behind if he really wants to, it is his choice. He doesn't want to go, he's stubborn but we need his own brand of fearlessness if we're going to make it. I think we both inspire the others in different ways.

We start the trek to the ocean another hour later, everyone taking what they can carry.

* * *

 

It's tense, it's talk of if this is a good idea, it's talk of the hopes for the water and finally some quiet from the enemy.

I grip my pack tighter.

_"You had hope before."_

I still do.

_"Why are you worried then?"_

The enemy is unpredictable and we don't know if this is going to work.

_"You have to keep hope alive. That's what Finn and Raven are helping you with. That was the plan when they went with you to that bridge. That was why you saved that girl, yes your lives were threatened but you had hope you could save her and she's alive somewhere with her family. Hope."_

Hope won't protect me if they attack us going through these woods. His clothes are still plain, I must believe him somewhere under it all, but I also think I've realized he can't protect me the way I imagine he's able to. I want so badly for him to be real and here and this hopeful but he isn't. He wasn't really there when I killed that man, he couldn't protect me from that.

I have to protect myself in this world.

Teddy smiles. " _Another lesson_."

He makes me want to smile. Just for a second and then I remember where we are so I don't. I do imagine his hand tight in mine as I lower my arms to my sides. I need some kind of comfort. Something.

Octavia is leading us through the trees, familiar with them, when she stops us. I think she was born for this. She takes to it like a fish to water.

I feel the shift in the air. They're out there and we have to turn back. They kill at least one of us before we can retreat. If we live to see tomorrow we'll go back to collect him.

* * *

They leave the choice to go or stay to me and I don't know what to do. Teddy is still with me, silent but calm. The truth I had been afraid to admit to myself is that some of us won't get out of this alive. I think back to the dream I had when Raven and I were captured. The idea that war demands sacrifice. Finn still believes we should go but Raven is quiet and I know she'll stand with me for whatever choice I make, just like Teddy does.

Fearless.

Murphy has used most of our supplies in his sudden attack and escape. Bellamy's idea seems to be to die and take as many of them as we can with us. There has to be another way. I look around the drop ship and spot Teddy watching me from beside the entrance, he's crouched low. When I meet his eyes he glances to the floor.

Proverbial light bulb.

"What about that rocket fuel?" I turn to Raven who is looking both stressed and at ease with the situation. Her eyebrows furrow in confusion. "I told you Princess it's useless without the powder." She shrugs.

I shake my head. "I don't want to build a bomb." I lean over the table.

She takes a second but understanding passes soon. "You wanna blast off." I nod. "We need to get everybody on the ship, have _them_ get close." The knowledge that she'd be killing them makes her hesitate but this is another choice she doesn't have to hold alone. "The wiring is a rat's nest but I can make it work."

"We have to be prepared if this doesn't take out all of them." Finn mumbles. He's not a violent man, I hate violence too but I _refuse_ to let being backed between a rock and a hard place define me as a monster for trying to save my people. I remember the man and the understanding in his eyes, I shake it off. It's clear the time for talk is over. It's kill or be killed now.

He is right though, there's still this Commander and the one they call The Father. On top of that the Reapers and the Mountain Men. The more we learn the less we know.

"One battle at a time." I answer.

* * *

 

Raven leads me under the floor of the ship to look for the ignition. I tell her it's a bad time to teach me anything mechanical, she smirks. "It's never a bad time to learn. Or talk about the warrior woman." She raises her eyebrows at me suggestively.

 "Again?"

 "She's hot." She mumbles, raising her lantern to eye level.

 I roll my eyes, behind me I can hear Teddy laughing. "Time and place Raven."

 "No time like the present." She grins, but drops the subject. I honestly believe only Raven could still find someone attractive after they threaten her life.

 We can hear talk over the radios about what's happening outside. I can hear gunfire but I press down my anxiety and my fear and keep sorting through the wires. This is the kind of anxiety that makes me talk to Teddy and though Raven is accepting I don't want to give her the creeps by talking to myself down here.

 " _You think it'll work?"_

 It has to. We can't accept the idea that it won't.

 " _I'm sure this isn't even a fraction of this Commander's real army. If it were I think we'd all be dead by now."_

That doesn't make me feel better about making it through this tonight. Don't you have any useful advice?

" _Be patient. Let your enemy come to you, if backing off ends up being the right choice back off and live to fight another day."_ He's sitting across from me, barely visible under the low light. He looks almost like a ghost sitting there and I actually almost smile because Teddy has _always_ been my ghost. _"And if that doesn't work_ ," he beams at me, I can see the dimples in his cheeks. " _At least you gave 'em hell."_

 I glare at him, I can't help but glare at him. "That is not what this is about." I snap, I hear Raven pause in her search but she chooses to ignore me and keeps going.

 "It is not about killing anyone or wanting to 'give them hell', I just want us to have a shot down here. We tried peace, maybe showing we can defend ourselves is the only way to get their Commander to back off." I lost impulse control. I take a deep breath and mumble an apology to Teddy and Raven.

" _Don't lose that."_ He whispers. " _Don't lose why you're doing what you're doing. Killing someone should never be about the kill, not for you, not for us. We do what we will to survive_."

 Raven pauses again. I can hear her shuffling as she glances at me. She asks if I'm okay. I assure her I am I just needed a little process time. "Teddy raising hell over there?"

 " _Always_!"

 "Nothing I can't handle, but thank you."

 We go back to the search, one bright orange wire should not be this hard to find. I start to get angry with myself that I can't seem to do even this much.

 "It's not rocket science, Princess."

 I glance at the wires beside us then back to her. "It's exactly that actually."

There's a long pause as we stare at each other before we both laugh. She shakes her head and calls me an idiot, she jokes that there's something I'm finally not good at. Raven is good at just about everything. If she put in the time she'd actually be a decent artist too. We'd sat outside the walls once and I'd shown her how to use charcoal. She'd, of course, drawn a raven.

"Not all of us can be astounding."

 "Please, I _know_ I'm awesome don't feed the beast." She smirks.

* * *

Raven is finishing the last touches, turns out that orange wire was fried so she'd had to improvise with something I couldn't exactly follow. She may as well have been speaking Grounder to me. I head outside and begin to corral the others in, leaving the gunners at the walls. Teddy was right, if the Commander isn't hear this can't even be a fraction of their army.

There's an explosion and a light in the sky.

" _It's the Ark_." Teddy mutters beside me. His voice is sad. The stations are collapsing, it seemed like it was aflame before it entered the atmosphere. I silently hope that there's no people on the exploding stations, even though in a darker part of my heart I know there must be. " _May we meet again_." It becomes a spray of sparks and fire. It's almost beautiful if it wasn't for the real tragedy of it.

I turn back to the gates as a hollering sounds through the trees. I can hear the Grounders stop, but why?

There's a shout, it's filled with anger and a lot of fear.

"Reapers!"

They're all busy fighting each other now. Another cacophony of violence.  "Clarke!" It's Finn. I had wondered if he was still with the gunners outside before. I worried when I hadn't seen him but Finn is always vanishing in and out so I didn't think anything of it. Maybe I should have. I hug him and ask him what he'd done.

 "The enemy of my enemy is my friend right?"

 "What about who wins that fight?"

 "Let's hope the ring of fire works or none of us win." He frowns.

* * *

Raven got the ship rigged to work, all other factors excluded she says it'll work.

Everything feels like it's in slow motion.

Walking outside it's...war really is hell and yet this doesn't even feel like a war it's going to be a slaughter. They're raised to do exactly this. Fight and bleed and _win_. The explosions from the grenades happen in half the time to me. The swords cut us down and I seem to see it tear through the skin in perfect detail. My eyes blur with tears from the smoke of the fires and from what this is.

We are all seemingly willing to kill each other. Who does that make us?

Out of answers and tired of going in circles in my own head I turn to Teddy, crouched beside me as we try and get who we can back on the ship. His eyes meet mine, they've never been this blue before.

" _It's sink or swim Clarke. If we can swim then the Grounders have to drown."_ His answer is simple but painful.

What about hope?

" _Hope is for another day."_

Bellamy is being attacked by Tristen. I panic. We may be the ones to drown here, or maybe we already were. I don't see Finn until he's tackled the Grounder to the dirt. I'm at a loss for what to do. No- I know exactly what to do- I don't want to admit the answer to myself.

_"War sometimes demands sacrifice. You can't save everyone."_

Finn meets my eyes and doesn't hesitate, he nods and motions for me to get inside. There's that understanding I saw in that man's eyes. Knowing that I have to do this. Make the hard call and live with that choice.

Leaving them out there like that to die and knowing I'll be killing dozens if not hundreds of others...that's a different kind of sacrifice. I struggle with the lever to bring up the drop ship door. It feels like it weighs fifty pounds. A hand covers mine, it's Teddy. It's always him when I need help. But suddenly it's different, it's small and thin...I look over my shoulder.

It's Raven.

She doesn't look like she's deciding this any easier than I am. She feels my pain.

Our agony.

Teddy is standing behind her, nodding. " _You said so yourself, we all made this choice_." He still has all the same comforts I need but he can't really do this with me.

"You don't have to hold this one alone." She means the man in the house and I want to break down into tears. We lift together and it feels easier, but not by much. How can I live a life where I have to sacrifice a friend? I don't get an answer...

There's a scream. We turn and see a Grounder land in front of us.

Anya. Of course it's her. She has her swords ready in both hands and seems to relish the terror on everyone's faces.

"There is a God." Raven mumbles beside me. She's trying to make herself feel better about Finn, I'm not sure it's working.

Jasper flips the trigger Raven rigged for the ring. Nothing happens. Nobody moves. I can hear Teddy swearing behind me. It becomes colorful the longer Jasper tries to get the trigger to work. I look back at Anya, I don't think she's entirely unreasonable, not now. She will be after she finds out our plans but I think I can talk her out of attacking and us from being killed before we finally take her down.

"You really think you can win in here?" Raven calls. Anya doesn't turn to look at her but her eyes slide over to meet us.

 "I think I have a better chance than you do _Skaipeka_."

 Miller knocks her to the ground...they swarm her like animals.

 Raven almost pushes me to the ground in her rush. "Back the fuck off!" She shoves the others away and grab's Miller's arm as he goes in with a knife.

 "We're on the ground but we're _not_ like them! We don't have to kill _each other_ to survive! That is _not_ the way and that's not what you got sent down here for, you were sent to die but we have the chance to live. We aren't Grounders! If we want to be separate then we have to make the better choice and take the higher road when we have the chance. ...Maybe not today but we can start tomorrow."

"She's just one woman, she thinks she's doing the right thing just like we all do. We are about to roast her _people_." She throws Miller's arm away from herself. "I think we can give her a damn pass." I'm not sure if she's doing it for her own sanity or because sparing Anya is the right call but I agree with her. The others stand down.

The ship jerks and we're all thrown to the floor, I guess Jasper got it to work.

* * *

Teddy steps out first when we open the door hours later. The sun is up and he blocks his face with a raised hand to it. I bite my lip to hold back a sob. They were attacking us and we did what we had to, to survive. I blinks back tears. There are ashes and charred bone everywhere. It reminds me of the crash site, of not knowing if my mom looked just like these people.

The entire camp is covered in smoldering remains and nothing is left behind of what we'd built for ourselves down here.

Sacrifice.

I have to draw the line from now on. I have to be able to make the call of right or wrong. This seemed like the only option but we had a chance before to make peace and I let other people destroy it without giving it another real shot. I said I had hope but I think I gave it up when I decided mass murder was the only way. Maybe I meant it at the time but I don't think I mean it today. 

There's a small gasp, I look over my shoulder at the ship. Raven has a wrist-bound-Anya outside. It's impossible to tell who is who, if any of them are Finn or Bellamy or Tristen...or anyone. Teddy is watching me as I think about the graves we'll have to dig...for both sides.

 " _Don't let this make you a monster, Clarke."_ I had refused that before I'd seen the damage I'd caused. Emotions are always different when they're spoken instead of seen.

 Something falls near my feet, it spews a red gas and I step back in panic. This world really doesn't offer any shortcuts. I can hear Anya behind me. She says this is the Mountain Men. Raven asks her what that really means as she tries to cover her face.

 "It means only _Nontu_ can save us...if he ever finds out." Anya answers, struggling to speak around the choking gasps from the fumes.

 "Who...who...," I choke, feeling dizzy and my knees give out. Teddy is beside me before I can blink, urging me to stay awake and to fight it. I can't. I see someone in a suit pointing a gun a gun at me before I finally collapse. I briefly hear Teddy shout for me one more time before everything goes dark.

* * *

He's wearing the red cloak again. I smile at it. I ask him why he wears it here. 

"Images are important." That sounds familiar but I can't place why. He gives me a knowing look. Like there's a secret he knows but refuses to tell me and I don't know if it's because he can't or simply won't.

I tell him I feel disgusting about what I've done to the Grounders. I tell him I'm sorry. He gives me a strange look then. "I can't bless you Clarke, I can't absolve you of whatever sins you think you have. What you've done is just something you'll have to make peace with and someday you will. Not today or the next but someday."

I notice the scars along his shoulders. I didn't imagine him like this. Damaged. Teddy has only been perfect so I wonder how they get there. I ask him and he says the same thing over again.

Images are important.

He tells me I won't remember this. "It would be better if you did. Easier."

I look around the room. It's a perfect circle. The walls are stone and  lined with different color banners, one is a biohazard symbol. There are torches placed in large cracks. A steep incline of stairs leads to what looks almost like a throne. It looks to be made of spare parts of things like wires and netting, little mechanical bits and metal rods. It looks intimidating from down here.

Behind the throne there is a large gap in the wall, a viewing window. I climb the steps, my curiosity getting the better of me. He's already standing beside them as I reach the landing. "It's beautiful."

A wide green valley lies bellow several feet of Cliffside. There are houses and buildings, I can see people weaving between the roads and each other. it's bright and happy and I want to stay. I ask him if I can. He tells me, "Someday maybe."

 He tells me again it would be easier if I could remember all of this. He seems to understand more of it than I do.

* * *

Sterile.

That's the first thing that comes to me when I open my eyes. It makes me wonder if I'm dead for a moment. I sit up, I'm on a cot. Teddy is dressed completely in white and looks relieved to see me awake. Maybe he worries for his own mortality while I lay dreaming. I try to recall the dream, I usually can but not today. All I remember is that Teddy was in it, which isn't unusual because he usually is.

" _You're okay_." He crosses the room and folds me into a hug. I imagine it's warm. When he steps back I swing my feet over the edge and flinch at the cold tiles. There's an IV in my arm. This is a facility. I cross the room to the door. It has a single window. How long was I asleep?

"Raven!" I hit the glass. She looks panicked and relieved to see me. I try to open the door but I knew before I did it wouldn't budge.

" _Clarke_." Teddy touches my shoulder and points to the window. Just beside Raven's cell is a sign.

 Mount Weather

" _Welcome to the beast."_


	9. Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The walls feel wrong." I glance at Teddy over Raven's shoulder. He's looking at the walls, his back to me. I can see the tension in him as he looks around. When he finally looks at me his face is grim, mouth pulled into a thin line. "This place is bad Clarke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winding up, and then back down kind of. I have two chapters ready after this. I still don't own The 100. I apologize for any errors or redundancy, I'm trying my best.
> 
> Happy reading.

I flinch at the noise Teddy makes from kicking the cell door. He's dressed in white to match the room, I don't know why I imagined him that way. He's shouting and swearing and I just sit on the cot. He asked me how I can be okay with this and I told him I'm not. This is a facility and they have a camera right over the door. I can't be seen by anybody talking to someone that isn't there.

"Teddy, stop." I keep my head low.

" _How can you just sit there!"_ He whirls on me, glaring. " _We have to_ do _something_!"

"There's nothing to do right now." I stand and look closer at the only spot of color in the room. A painting from the old world, Starry Night. I read about artists from the old world. He was disturbed but that didn't mean he wasn't brilliant. It has to be a copy though. I pause for a moment and think about how I may not be seen talking to Teddy but I'm sure they can still hear me.

" _Clarke_."

I turn. He's staring out the window. I move closer...Raven is gone. When did that happen? How did I not hear it? Everything that could've gone wrong is racing through my head. Teddy is right, I have to do something-but what?

A figure in a hazmat suit steps in front of the window and I feel my heart clench and my legs go weak. I feel Teddy behind me. " _That's horrifying_." He mumbles. The person turns to watch me for a long moment before turning to the room Raven was in...are they...cleaning it? I step forward again. Instead of fear I start to feel anger burn through my veins.

My fists beat the window. "What the hell happened to Raven?" Screaming is useless, they probably can't hear me but I have to. I honestly don't know what I'll do if they hurt Raven, or anyone else. I realize, with a sick lurch in my stomach, that if Raven was here the others must be too. Fuck.

Teddy kicks the door again. " _Open the fucking door_!" They continue to ignore me. He turns. " _Drastic measures are in order. If they care enough to use cameras somebody is in charge. We need answers. Go get them."_

Stepping away from the door I look for what I can use...the IV stand will work perfectly.

Teddy is cheering me on as I destroy the camera and smash the glass to my door. I should've done this earlier instead of being complaisant. I guess I'll always be a fighter.

" _If Anya of_ all _people was scared of this place, nothing good comes from it_."

I cut my arm opening the door. Teddy hisses and grabs my arm. " _That's bad."_ I tug it away from him and open the door. Now is not the time to dwell on my pain. I need to know where my friends are. I need answers. He whispers in my ear to keep quiet, to grab a shard of glass and use it. My fingers only slip on the sharp fragment for a moment. This line feels clear. The grounders are scared of this place...they took us, took Raven.

This line is clear.

* * *

The person in the suit is a girl...she's about the same age as me. She looks terrified of me. I think for a moment I would be too.

She cries while I lead her through the hallways. She seems to scared to be what the Grounders fear, to innocent to be my enemy. The line blurs a little but she has answers I need. Teddy is wearing dark clothes now, he's walking ahead of us. I don't really have any intentions of killing this girl but I need them to think I will. It disturbs me when she says my name, I ask her how they know it and she sobs that they told it to her.

Guilt pulls at the lighter parts of my conscious as she whimpers at the makeshift knife I hold tight against her throat. Teddy being here may be the only thing saving this girl...or maybe I'd be strong enough on my own. I'm honestly not sure and that thought scares me a little. I'd like to believe I'm strong enough not to lose control on my own.

I slam her against the door when I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection. There's blood everywhere and my eyes are dark with anger. I have to save my friends, I can't just think about what this is doing to me. I shouldn't treat her like this, is isn't her fault.

" _I don't want to hurt you_." Teddy whispers. " _I'm_ not _going to hurt you, I promise."_

He's leaning almost completely over my shoulder and the weight of him almost makes me pause before I remember his weight is how I want to be, my shoulder feels lighter but he still leans over me. A better angel.

She's to terrified to answer my questions, she's probably never been in a situation like this, my anger boils down to a simmer at her fear. Someone will answer me, but not her. I force her to walk.

The sight of the feast, of my people, makes me stop. I'd honestly expected the exact opposite.

"Containment breach!"

All of these people are jumping from their seats and running from the sight of me. There's a light and I distantly hear an alarm, the girl slips away from me and I let her. This still feels, wrong. Why go through the trouble of all of that for this? Why lock us up? They said something about contamination. Teddy turns to me. " _I don't think these people know about the world outside._ "

Or they do and that's what scares them.

" _We're the germ."_

* * *

The guards take me to a room and tie me to a cot. I didn't fight them, I wouldn't have stood a chance and I was still in shock. I still am. Is this really the Mountain? Those people eating in that hall looked harmless. The guards didn't but I imagine they aren't supposed to. That stops me.

" _If they're so harmless why do they need so many guards or guards at all? If they aren't expecting anyone to attack them...why do they need them?"_ Teddy muses from the cot beside me.

That is a good question. It'll have to wait though. I still need to find my friends. The girl had said they were fine but that could've been a lie. I tug on the restraints. I need to find Raven. The chances that she's alive are still high if they've kept me alive but that doesn't ease the panic. Nothing seems normal about this place. The containment cells, the need for hazmat suits, the number of guards.

Anya had said only Nontu had survived the mountain. She's not a woman to lie, so I'm keeping her words close to heart until I can get out of here and my people with me. At least they wrapped my arm. The door opens and the sudden noise makes me jump a little. The girl I'd held hostage, two men and a woman enter the room. The woman knows my name too, there's a look in her eyes that makes me uncomfortable.

Something in her eyes looks far to eager.

"This one is quiet." The woman almost smirks, she's dressed in a lab coat.

"Something she no doubt picked up from the savages outside." The man says. He's old...he carries an air of importance. He smiles at me and I can't tell if he means it or not. He glances to the girl. "Mia?"

The girl is clenching her hands together so tight her knuckles turn white. Do I scare her this much? " _You held a shard of glass to her throat, yeah I think she's scared._ " I ignore him. She speaks quickly and in a slightly agitated voice. She feels weak, she's angry at me for that. I think that's what most of it is. Fear becomes anger all the time.

"I'm not pressing charges." She mumbles when the man clears his throat to end her rant.

Charges? Is that still a thing people do to each other? Murder happened on the Ark but it was always the council who pressed the charges. The families of the deceased may have been relieved by it but pressing charges was never something we did because anything can get you floated. Other crimes against people besides theft and murder never really happened. Even murder was rare. The only thing that saved us was that kids had a chance at Review.

" _They must operate on old world laws_." Teddy sits behind me, I can feel him watching the woman who seems to be checking my vitals.

He dismisses Mia and turns back to me. He has the guard undo my restraints. He holds his hand out to me in an introduction. "Dante Wallace." His hand is wrinkled and the veins bulge against the skin. I grip his hand tight, turning it to look at the smudges on his fingers. "Oil paint." He tells me uselessly. They were rare on the Ark but my father had managed to get me some on a birthday once.

"I hear you're an artist as well." He smiles. It makes me uncomfortable. This whole place makes me uncomfortable. I stand, anger coming back through my curiosity. I ask him how he knows that about me. He tells me my friends did and that they also told him I was their leader, that it's something he and I have in common. So he is in charge. I ask him about my father's watch. He says it was contaminated and could not enter the Mountain.

I look over his shoulder at Mia as he talks, I partially tune him out. She's getting a transfusion. These people can't handle the radiation. I ask him how many of us are here, interrupting him. He doesn't seem bothered by it and tells me there are forty-eight of us myself included. " _Forty-nine."_ Teddy chuckles from over his shoulder. He tries to assure me that we aren't being held captive.

"Then you won't mind if we leave." I'm so sure of myself I forget for a moment that if the others had a moment like the one I saw in the dining hall then maybe they wouldn't want to go. I tell him there are still people outside that will be looking for us and we need to get back to them. He says the patrols brought back everyone they could find.

Did they only bring us here because we didn't look like the Grounders?

"I want to see my people." He gives me an understanding look and nods, motioning to two men that brought is a large chest. There are clothes inside...Dante leaves and takes the guards with him to give me privacy to change. I touch one of the necklaces, it looks like it's made of diamonds. Their clothes look worn, no new fabric to make new clothes from. They must recycle almost everything.

I still don't trust it. I break the heel off one of the shoes. Just in case. " _Better safe than sorry_." Teddy muses. He's watching Mia. He seems curious about all of this, maybe more curious than I am. Or maybe that's just a reflection. I choose a blue outfit, it's simple and easy to move in. Teddy teases me about getting the zipper to go up past my chest and I glare at him.

This isn't a time for jokes but he laughs anyway and I smile for a moment.

Dante tells me about the Mountain, he seems proud of it. Like he wants to convince me to stay. I don't want to. I finally ask him why he stays inside, why they all do. I already knew but I wanted him to tell me. He tells me that life is about survival of the fittest, that the Grounders who could live did and passed that gene on. They, who'd lived in this place all these years, had never developed the same way. I tell him we didn't either.

We've only been on the ground a few months and we survived. A thought passes. " _We did though_." Teddy grins beside me. "Solar radiation." I don't know why I never thought of that before. He tells me that we can metabolize the radiation even better than the Grounders because of that radiation. That makes me nervous. He lets me on the elevator he stopped us in front of but not before letting me know he knew I had that heel.

He looks disappointed in me. I almost wish I cared how he sees me. He shakes his head as he takes it and tells me I'm not fighting for my life. If that were true I wouldn't have felt the need to take it. It's okay though. " _Anything in the right...wrong, hands is a weapon_." Teddy nods beside me. The line feels clear again. I can't kill people if my life doesn't depend on it or my people are safe.

The guards drop me off on level five, the dining hall. There's a woman talking. I move slower than usual, still untrusting. I probably always will be while I'm here.

"Clarke!"

Raven bursts through the group and almost tackles me to the ground. Her grip is tight and I hold her back just as. I was so worried they'd done something horrible to her but she's here and she's okay. When she lets go I notice the others are gathered around and Monty hugs me next, Bellamy had told me he'd gone missing before the Grounders attacked us. I feel guilty I hadn't been more concerned.

I hug Jasper and ask them what happened to Finn and Bellamy. Bellamy and I may never see completely eye to eye but he is a friend and one of us. Jasper looks nervous and gets quiet. Raven turns to me. "They're not here but that doesn't mean they're dead." She looks unsure, that ring of fire was...a lot. But I nod, if not for my own sake than for Raven's. She needs the hope that her best friend is still alive.

"Anya?"

Raven looks a little lost at the question. "I don't know..." she worries her bottom lip and I realize she must be worried they killed her. "So much for that first date I wanted, huh?" She jokes but I can see the worry. We were enemies but for whatever reason Raven liked Anya.

The one who'd spoken walks between the others and hands me a folder. She gives me an odd look but I brush it off. I already don't want to be here, the first chance I get I want us all gone from this place.

"I fucking hate this place." Raven mumbles beside me. I glance at her.

"You too?"

She nods. "It feels like there's a huge secret they're keeping and the way they talk about Grounders and the fear of contamination." She takes a deep breath. "They won't tell me what happened to Anya but I know something did. I just don't like it."

I spent seventeen years locked in space. I finally know what the Earth feels like, underneath the fear of the grounders it was still amazing to be here. I'm not locking myself away again. Dante says we aren't prisoners but I feel like he won't exactly let us leave.

_"The walls feel wrong_." I glance at Teddy over Raven's shoulder. He's looking at the walls, his back to me. I can see the tension in him as he looks around. When he finally looks at me his face is grim, mouth pulled into a thin line. " _This place is bad Clarke_."

Later, after we've been shown our bunks and it's dinner time, I watch the people around me. I don't really feel like eating even though I know I have to. It all just feels like something out of a book. The piano, the casual talk about who-knows-what, the way everyone just seems so happy. It doesn't feel real. Teddy whispers beside me that I need to eat. If worst comes to worst I'll need my strength.

Monty and Jasper are eager to eat everything they can. I understand it. Homemade food like this was something we've never had. Raven, who sits across from me, seems less eager to eat. She take a bite every now and then. She doesn't enjoy is nearly as much as they do.  I look over the folder they gave us earlier. I turn it to Raven. She eyes it without question, her brows furrow.

"I hadn't even looked at mine but...there aren't even emergency exists on this." She stops eating. Jasper and Monty stop playing 'whose is better'. Jasper looks concerned. But not by what Raven said, he looked concerned for me. "Look around, there's nobody hunting us. We can relax." He smiles.

"You wanna give up one prison for another? This is bigger than the Sky Box but it's the same contained walls." Raven keeps her voice low but she looks frustrated. They've clearly talked about this while I was still in containment. "I didn't leave the Ark to be buried under ground when there's a survivable Earth right outside."

"Survivable? The Grounders tried to kill us almost everyday." Jasper seems to struggle with keeping his tone down. Monty is oddly quiet.

"If you and Bellamy hadn't shot up that bridge we probably wouldn't have to deal with that."

"They were going to attack you no matter what you said Raven. I saved you, both of you." Jasper had had a spike in popularity after that incident and it had gone to his head for a while. He wants to believe he did the right thing and maybe he did, but it doesn't change the fact that the guns just made it worse. "Aren't you tired of fighting for your life?"

"I'm tired of walls. I'm tired of the same old shit all the damn time. At least being outside was interesting. At least we had a chance. If they decide they don't like us I don't think they'll just let us go." Raven hisses.

"Stop it." Teddy whispers in my ear. "We have friends who need our help outside, you saw the Ark fall, we need to know if anyone survived."

Monty finally talks, tries to calm my nerves by telling me that these people are better equipped to look for our people than we are. I shake my head, none of this is right. Things like this never are. "Things that are to good to be true usually are Monty."

Jasper sighs and leaves for more cake, forcing a smile. He stops to talk to Mia. He just seems to want life to be...easy. " _Life will always be about survival. In here, or out there, or even up in space."_ Teddy takes Jasper's seat. His clothes are back to a plain blue shirt and pale pants. " _Maybe he's just a small time champion_." He shrugs, glancing over his shoulder. " _If there is a choice...let him stay behind if he wants to_."

 I don't think I'll have a choice. If he's happy here who am I to tell him he has to go? I decide I need to apologize to Mia. I was kind of an asshole to her. Teddy laughs at me. " _Kind of_?" She looks scared still. I feel guilty again. She shifts uncomfortably.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. I was never going to hurt you, I was just scared and worried for my friends. I saw my friend one moment and the next she's gone and someone in a hazmat suit is cleaning the cell? That's...pretty scary." Mia gives me an understanding look and smiles a little. "Again I just wanted to apologize and I hope you can understand." She nods.

I nod at Jasper who looks thankful that I'm trying. I did want to apologize. Is it still wrong if I killed two birds with one stone? I pocket her keycard.

* * *

They must realize because minutes later the alarms go off and a voice over the coms calls for an alert. Teddy glances at me from over his shoulder. " _So much for not being a prisoner_." He charges by me and I follow his lead. He's wearing his dark guard clothes again. " _We should've asked Raven to come_!"

"We can't involve her in this!" I shout over the blaring noise. "Just in case I'm wrong, which so far it doesn't seem like I am."

Maybe being chased by the Grounders so often wasn't always so bad. I was never able to run this fast when we first landed on the ground. Now it seems easy. It crosses my mind that they have a lot of guards to take down one girl and her imaginary friend. Why are there so many? Why do they even need key cards? Why all the security?

I use the card on the first door I see that reads restricted area. Their are stairs as far as I can see in either direction. " _Yeah she may have been pissed about this part_." Teddy muses. " _Pick a direction and let's go_." He nods to the cables that allow the keycards access. I rip it from the door and decide to head up.

"I should've picked down." I groan, thirty steps in and jumping two at a time, my legs are already screaming. 

The signs read emergency evacuation. I just want to go. Maybe I should have brought Raven with me. I finally reach the top and it leads to another hallway, there's a metal door that has to be about twice my size. I try the lever and it doesn't budge. Teddy motions to the wheel in the center of the door. His hands are tight over mine as I turn it.

"Clarke don't!"

Turning I see Jasper and Mia. "They'll die if you open that door." He looks worried again.

 I feel that same sick feeling in my stomach from before as I realize there's a small part of me that doesn't care. I can't be that person. _This_ person. My hand grips the lever before releasing it. Mia holds a gun at me, she still looks scared. I find that I'm not. I wonder when that happened. My hand tightens again before letting go.

Jasper moves quickly to stand between Mia and myself. He turns to me, begging me to stop.

I let go of it finally, for real, and lower my hand to my side. "I don't believe them. You shouldn't either." I just want them to be safe, I just don't it to be inside another prison. That was never fair. Jasper asks me what they have to gain by telling us a lie, that we are here and safe because of me. He tells me I saved our lives when I pulled that lever and fired the rockets. My chest tightens because I remember all the lives that decision took as well.

Teddy stands close to my front. I hold up my hands when the guards show up and move me to the floor to cuff me. I still feel guilty. Maybe I didn't pull it because I wanted to somehow make that choice about burning all those people right. I know that's not why though. The line blurs again. I can't kill people who haven't done anything to me. I can't be that person and have my people look at me like I'm a monster.

_"They didn't when you killed those Grounders. Somehow because these people act more like us they're more human...but the Grounders are still the same as we are."_

* * *

Teddy is with me the whole way, just like always. He's oddly quiet though. He does continue to glare at the guards. He was right before. We treat the Grounders like they're some other kind of creature, they are still people and I refuse to lose sight of that. They're not animals.

_"Treat anyone like an animal long enough and that is what they turn into Clarke."_

Dante doesn't look at me when they bring me to him. He paints instead. I almost want to roll my eyes. It's a display of power to him. Acting as if dealing with me is beneath him. They did it on the Ark all the time. I see the tightness in his shoulders though, it's obvious because he isn't used to dealing with this kind of thing. He really thinks I'm not a threat, he keeps insisting I don't need to be cuffed.

He is right. I'm not a threat to him. He's to...old. " _That's ageist Clarke."_ I glare at Teddy and hide my smirk.  

Dante tells me he paints a memory of the only time he was outside over fifty years ago. How they all thought they were the only ones. How his father thought that because there were people outside they could leave the mountain. How many people died in the week that followed. He tells me he lost his family and that time does in fact heal most of them but painting helps him when it doesn't.

I tell him he didn't bring me here to talk about any of this. He agrees. He tells me his search parties haven't found anything but they'll keep looking. He makes it plain to me that I can't leave, claims it to be grief but I know he knows better than that. I ask him what will happen if I try to leave, he sounds impatient.

"You know you're a lot like another one we took in years ago. He saw enemies everywhere too. The outside just isn't safe." His voice changes.

Teddy whispers in my ear. "So much for not being a prisoner." Dante's eyes look blank now. I follow the guards to the bunk with the others. Raven looks worried and talks to me quietly away from the others. "He asked me not to test him if I try and leave." I mumble. Worry gives way to aggravation.

"You should have brought me with you."

"It wouldn't have changed anything."

"Uh I could have punched that guy in the face." She hisses.

"He's like sixty years old."

"Exactly, his bones are almost dust. Super easy." It makes me laugh, she looks lighter.

I think about the last thing Dante said again. "Someone else came here. Maybe it was one of the old attempts to see if the ground was survivable." Raven hums.

"I don't know it could have been some Grounder." I shake my head, they think they're all savages. Why bring one in, even a child if you think so little of them? Maybe to understand their ways but I doubt it either way.

"He sounded...kind of mad when he mentioned him." Raven suggests asking Mia.

We find her before dinner. She looks nervous again, or maybe that's just the lack of trust we've built around each other. She glances around. "We um, we don't really talk about him. He stayed here for about two years, that's what I've heard."

"Was he a Grounder?" Raven asks quietly. Mia thinks for a moments, maybe unsure what she wants to say, and shrugs.

"I'm not sure, I've heard all kinds of stories. But I do know he came to us. He was ten I think, when he left." I ask her why he left at all. She says nobody really knows but she assumed he wanted to see the world outside.

Raven looks doubtful. "You're telling me Dante let a kid outside by himself?"

Mia shrugs. "Like I said nobody really talks about him. The older people know, I've asked myself...but they just don't talk about it." She heads into the dining hall and I remember something Anya said.

"Anya said Nontu could save us...how else could anybody know about this place if they hadn't been _inside_."

"Nobody was left at the drop ship Clarke, I don't think he can help us if there's nobody left to tell him we're here." Her hands flinch for something to do to help her nerves.

"We can't even be sure that's true." I can't offer anything else and lead her into the dining hall. I'm still not very hungry.

I listen to Dante as he says what must be their prayer. On the Ark it was whatever denomination and religion you identified with or your family believed in. Large group prayers didn't happen unless it was a few small families of the same religion eating. I wonder if they all have the same beliefs down here or none at all. It's hard to tell.

Finally, I eat the food. It's good, it's some of the best food I've ever had. But not as good as that first bite of real meat I had when we first landed. I wanted it to be bad. I catch Dante watching me with a smile. Teddy whispers in my ear and I smile back.

" _Sometimes it's best to play the game_."


	10. The Walls Are Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It was a victory."
> 
> It was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added chapter 9, you shoulder probably backtrack and read that first.  
> I still don't own The 100 but I do own Teddy.
> 
> Happy readings

Dante leaves me an art set. It looks practically  brand new. Far to good to be true. I use some of the pens to draw on the map they gave us. I add in parts of the things I've seen. I need to know the layout, because I truly believe this place isn't what it seems. Raven crawls up on my bunk and seems to agree with my idea. She asks me if I'd seen any other ways out and so far I haven't.

"We'll keep an eye out." I assure her.

She quietly asks if she can sleep here with me and I tell her of course she can. Teddy sits under us on the bottom bunk watching the door. She and I huddle face to face. She asks if I think Finn and the others are okay. I tell her the truth. That I think most of them made but I hope all of them did. She seems pleased and closes her eyes. I wait a little longer to fall asleep.

I dream of being outside again. Of running between the trees, not for my life, because I can. Teddy is there and he grins at me while the wind whips his away from his face.

Raven is awake by the time I come to and is quietly getting off the bunk. The others already seem content here. How can they? Even with the danger at least we were free out there.

I continue to draw on the map they gave me. Jasper comes up to me, he talks about the little drawings on the map and seems to be trying to convince me this place is still better. I won't ever agree with that. I finally know how good being outside feels, I'm not giving that away without fighting. Isn't that what we fought the Grounders for in the end? The right to stay.

Or maybe it blurred too.

I look up to see Miller being brought in by Mia. I tell him I'm glad he's okay. He smiles at us. "I hear you're fitting in." He jokes. I look at Mia and feel my eyes narrow at her in a glare. She looks nervous and a little angry. Who is she to gossip about me to my own people?

" _Isn't that like propaganda_?" Kind of.

An alarm goes off, Mia seems panicked. I stop her and ask what it means. It sounds different than the one from before. Apparently the away team is back and someone needs medical care. She rushes by me. Raven glances at me from the doorway and shrugs. I go to follow Mia and Jasper stops me, asking what I'm doing.

"It may be one of us, we should know if it is." I tug my arm away from him and head out of the bunks. Raven follows without me even having to ask. Jasper is a less welcome invite. Teddy jogs ahead of us. His clothes are still dark. He tells me I have to be careful, especially with Dante at my throat.

We pass by Mia and other, what I assume to be, medics. They try and warn us off. I've never really been one to listen.

Jasper tells me I have to quit pushing so hard. I don't listen. Especially after they lied about this. Raven blanches at the sight of the body through the plastic. I turn to Jasper and point to the chest.

"Grounder's don't use guns Jasper. Our people are alive out there." He looks doubtful.

The woman is back. She looks angry instead of smug this time. I feel the urge to take the hood of her suit off but I ignore it. The man they bring in catches my attention. He has radiation burns from his head to the tips of his fingers. A sick part of me doesn't _care_ because how can he survive that and what if he killed one of our friends? Then the part of me with medical training tells me he should have the chance to live like everyone else.

Teddy watches me with somber eyes. I can hardly recognize myself anymore.

" _It's okay to feel this way about the enemy Clarke. It's not uncommon. It would be worse if you didn't feel anything_." I'm not sure I agree. Wishing harm on others is wrong. " _You didn't wish this on anyone. It was an accident. It could have been a misfire from a Grounder giving them a scare._ " I doubt that even more. " _So do I but you're not a bad person. You don't even know him_."

That seems to make it worse. I at least felt bad about what I did to the Grounders. This man has severe burns and all I can think of is maybe he deserves it. Maybe. But that's not enough and the guilt begins to eat at me.

* * *

I sketch Teddy later on my bunk. His eyes are closed and a wide smile is on his face. He looks happy. Raven climbs up and lays beside me. She doesn't say anything for a long time. Neither do I.

"He looks like you." She says finally as I shade parts of his hair.

"I always saw him that way." I answer softly. "I don't know why. Is that strange?" I look at her and she shrugs.

"I don't have anything to go off of and I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not even sure anyone with that training even exists anymore. Maybe he's like...an alter ego." She grins. I smile back and tuck the drawing away. "What would mine be?"

I laugh at that. "You are your alter ego Raven."

"I can see that." She nods. "I used to wonder what it would be like to have a sibling but...being on the Ark made me glad I didn't. Knowing they would get thrown in the Sky Box for anything, having to live on rations and not having a mom? Going through things like that makes it better knowing it's just you and you don't have to worry about a baby brother or sister. I found Finn eventually but...maybe you have the right idea."

 "He doesn't get hungry or have to sleep or smell bad." She smiles. "They're always there when you need them and gone when you don't. Yeah, you've got the right idea."

 I shake my head. "That may be true but having a sister like you would've been pretty great too. And he only tells me what I already know."

She smiles and nudges my shoulder. "It is pretty great and he's just the part of your consciousness I think you know you need to really hear." She sits up and hops off the bed. "Come on, enough mope talk! Let's get some food!" I follow her lead. I can at least enjoy the food while it lasts.

" _Food! That cake is good, let's get more of that stuff."_ Teddy beams as he follows us out. I smile and ignore the fact he can't even really eat.

* * *

I chat with Raven while we start to pick out what we want. That is until I spot Dante, Raven is already on her way over to him by the time I really notice. I all but scramble after her, Teddy on my heels.

Raven demands they talk, he seems confused by her statement and calmly suggests talking over breakfast. She doesn't take that though, she never would have just like I wouldn't. Raven is nothing if not blunt. "That guy that got brought in, who shot him?" She doesn't raise her voice but she doesn't lower it either.

Dante seems surprised and looks at the people around them. How does one plan for a girl like her?

He tries to steer here away, she shrugs him off and follows anyway. I'm just beside her and she looks even more upset than she did a moment ago. "That patrol group was attacked by the ones you call Grounders."

"Bullshit." Raven seethes. I place a hand on her arm and she backs off a little.

"Grounders don't use guns." He agreed with me and told us it was an arrow. I feel like he's trying to make me feel crazy. "I saw the wound." Raven shifts from foot to foot in quiet anger beside me. "Raven saw it too."

"Damn right, you're trying to say that an arrow made a perfect circle in a man's chest?" She crossed her arms to keep from fidgeting or maybe hitting him. I couldn't tell which.

Dante shakes his head and tells us sometimes a feeling can make people see things that aren't real. Suddenly I want to hit him. I tell him I want to see it. He pauses for a moment and looks at me with concealed contempt. I know that face because I used to look at Wells that way when we first came down here. I swallow my guilt at the memory. He agrees and leads Raven and I out of the dining hall.

His hand feels hard on my shoulder. I've irritated him but I don't care, I know what I saw.

The woman again...the one in the lab coat with dark skin and even darker eyes. She sounds sarcastic. Teddy glares at her. Something about her makes me want to cause as much pain as I can. I can't tell if it's her attitude or just a feeling I get from looking at her that tells me she's never done anything really _good_ here. Dante calls her Sing, but I'm sure it's not spelled the way it appears in my head.

I ask her about the man with the burns, I ask quietly and politely. She looks at me almost like Anya did the first time we met. Like she expected more and she's disappointed. I ignore her expression. I tell her I want to see him and Dante tells me it can be arranged. I press my lips together in a tight forced smile. He keeps looking at me like he sees someone else.

Maybe that lost boy.

They show us the exit wound and the arrowhead. I glance at Raven, she believes this even less than I do. It's easy to tamper with evidence. I let it go for now and she can see it in my face that I'm not done pushing and nods. We're in this together.

I guess there was never another way this would go. Just like on that bridge she was always going to be there. We leave after that, I glance at Dante and he gives me that same look, like he doesn't even see me.

" _He's hiding something, they all are. Play the game_." Teddy watches me from the doorway. I glance at him, his clothes are still dark. I'll only ever be on edge here.

The others stare as we walk back into the bunk. Teddy asks them what they're all looking at, I resist the urge to roll my eyes because then I would look crazy. Jasper asks me what happened. Raven tells him, she sounds annoyed again. Maybe Jasper's willingness to just stay and be docile push her buttons.

"Maybe it really just is an arrow wound?" Jasper shrugs. He has that hopeful look on his face. He didn't hear the fear in Anya's voice before we were taken. The anger on her face on that bridge. Teddy stands behind him, glancing around with worried eyes.

_"The walls are wrong."_

I tell Jasper it could also be what they want us to think, how easy it is to change evidence like that. He tells me I sound crazy. I stare at him for a long silent moment. Teddy is glaring at him. " _Fuck you_." He hisses into Jasper's ear. But Jasper doesn't hear and asks me why I want to ruin this. I tell him this isn't a place where everything is really perfect, no such place exists.

 "This place is safe." He mumbles.

 "So was the Sky Box. I didn't see you wanting to stay there." Raven crosses her arms.

 Jasper glares at her. "That was different and you know it. There's no limit to air down here or fighting for food or for our lives. We don't have to worry about how we'll bathe and stay safe or guard the walls."

 "You mean it's easy then."

 He shrugs. "Maybe. Why is that so bad?"

"Life isn't this easy Jasper. It is not this perfect. Nobody has a perfect family dinner every night and no kids just don't throw a tantrum or get in trouble _ever_ like this place has you believe. Life is not like this." Raven insists. I stay silent. Life should be easier than the Grounder's made it, I'll give Jasper that but Raven is right too.

This place is to perfect. Life isn't this clean cut. This dry. Not even in the old world.

Jasper insists we're guests. He seems fine with never seeing the sky again. I've dreamed of it to long to let it go.

"The biggest threat to us is you two." He looks between us.

I let him go in silence. Glancing at Raven I can tell she thinks the same thing I do. We really need to leave. This place is to good to be true. I need to get out and find the others. Raven has already decided to come with me. Her eyes are set in a determined glare. She turns and hops onto my bunk. "Fuck this place." She whispers as she passes.

* * *

Raven sits beside me in the dining hall. We watch everyone...they're enjoying themselves. Who am I to take that away. She and I have already decided to go. Staying and asking questions will, as Jasper said, only get them all on further trouble. If I remove myself from the equation, if Raven and I both do, they'll still stay safe. Especially if I'm wrong about this place.

" _You're not."_ I glance at Teddy. He's on my right, eyeing the map in my hands. " _You have pretty good instincts Clarke. No they aren't perfect but they've been right enough you should trust them. Keep going until you find a chance to get out."_

He turns and watches someone, I follow his gaze. I sit up straighter. Raven asks me what's wrong. I nod to him. He was the one with the burns. I saw him...he was covered in radiation burns. His skin is a little pink now but he's...fine. That's not possible. Not that fast. Not with their intolerance for the outside. Raven is up and following him before I am.

He goes to the medical floor. We can't follow. Raven kicks the door in frustration.

"Patients get into medical, Raven. Go back to the dining hall, I'm figuring this out today." She looks unsure for a moment before her face sets, determined. She refuses and follows me back to the bunks.

I wait until everybody else is gone to act. I take off the bandage on my arm, the wound still looks angry and swollen. It'll leave a scar. Raven realizes to late what I'm doing, she's mid-swear and reaching for me as I pull the cut along a sharp piece of metal on my bunk. I flinch in pain and the most that passes my lips is a whimper. Teddy is clutching his hair tight between his hands.

Even he hadn't known. It had been an in the moment decision. This wasn't going to be my plan but it was the easiest, maybe the most believable. He still loses his temper with me.

" _Are you out of your_ goddamn _mind_!" He grips my shoulders. " _Even if it works this shouldn't be the answer Clarke_!" Maybe I am losing it down here.

Teddy's hands feel smaller suddenly. I look up again and it's Raven holding me up and asking me what the hell I think I'm doing. "That's a lot of blood! What the fuck? A warning would've been nice."

"It wouldn't have made it easier."

"It still would've been nice, I get a curtesy warning next time you damn genius." She continues to rant as she leads me from the room. My legs feel a little shaky but that may just be the pain talking. I tell her I definitely will next time and that I hope there isn't. She repeats the sentiment.

Raven refuses to leave my side so they have no choice but to let her stay, she threatened a guard to be able to do so but I think they got the message. She sits by my cot in medical and watches Dr. Sing reapply my stitches and bandage. This woman's touch makes my skin crawl. Something about her is cold and wrong and I want to ask her why that is but I keep my mouth shut.

The doctor leaves without a word and Raven gets up from her chair, helping me out of bed. "What are we looking for?" She whispers.

The floor is cold under my bare feet and I flinch. "The answer to how he got better so fast. They can't process radiation like we can so how did it happen in a day?"

I look at the guard that came in with the burns. He's passed out cold. I notice the metal device in his chest...Sing lied. She had told me it was for radiation treatment when I pointed it out on that body. "She said it was for treatment." I mumble.

"It looks like a transfusion." Raven answers. I tell her it is. So maybe she was telling the truth. "Whose blood is it though if they can't stand the radiation?"

Teddy watches the door before looking at me. " _You know already_."

Proverbial light bulb.

"The Grounders." She looks confused. "Think about it. None of us have given any blood, none of them can give blood that'll make this any better. The only other people that can withstand the radiation outside...are the ones who've always been there."

She looks like she may be sick. "Anya?" I pause before nodding. "Assholes."

I follow the transfusion line, it comes from a pipe. "Come on." I try and use the heavy door, it doesn't budge. I bite back my anger. This isn't the time for a tantrum of my own. I turn to Teddy, hoping for something. I can feel Raven watching me. He stands against the wall, he offers me a smirk and glances upwards.

Just above his head, just there...is a vent.

Raven helps me pry it open and follows me in.

"You know those gowns are never flattering." She jokes. Attempting to break the tension. It works because I can't help the laugh that bubbles from my chest. I remind her again about our time and place rule. "Hey if you can't joke about things at the wrong time there's never a right time." I can hear Teddy laughing behind us. Traitor.

" _She is right though. Let's lose some impulse."_  

Depending on what we find up here I just might.

I was not prepared at all for what I opened the second vent to. I stood up and stood frozen. Raven climbs around me and makes an odd noise in the back of her throat between a gasp and a sob.

There are bodies, two of them, hung upside down and connected to a transfusion. I was right but I wasn't prepared to see it. I don't think any amount of time or preparation would have made this any easier. They have them slung up like...like animals. Less than. Raven's hand finds mine and we both squeeze until our fingers hurt. Teddy walks around me and steps closer to them, whoever they were. He looks back at me, lost.

"What the hell is wrong with these people?" Raven gasps quietly. I have no answer to give. My stomach tightens, ready to lose the contents of whatever is left. I suddenly feel grateful I skipped breakfast.

A groan draws my attention.

I wasn't prepared for this either. Cages...walls, lined with Grounders. Raven squeezes my hand tighter as we walk between them. They reach for us. Desperate. Longing. Or maybe hoping for an end. There's no way to tell how long these people have been locked in here. Animals. Anya's fear and anger finally make real sense.

" _They can't think of them as people. That would make this to hard to live with. Or they just don't care_." Teddy stand at the end of the small row of cages closest to the transfusion. " _I told you Clarke. You treat people like animals and that's who they become. They already think of them as animals_." He shrugs uselessly. Watching a man at the end curl into himself. " _I promise you, if you let them out...they will destroy those people upstairs."_

I want to. I want to open every single one. They deserve it.

Raven puffs out a breath of surprise and releases my hand, diving for one of the lower cages. "Anya."

Her hair is matted with dirt and so is her skin. She looks like she's given up but that same strange look passes her eyes when she looks at Raven. " _Skaipeka_." She mumbles.


	11. Exit Strategy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It feels like serenity when we hit the water and I realize I'm still alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't own The 100 but I do still own Teddy.
> 
> Happy reading!

Raven is already looking for something to break the lock with. I still can't wrap my head around this. The idea that someone could think so little of another human being that they could just...could just-

" _Be so heartless? Act like animals themselves? Be complete insane assholes? Or maybe all of the above_." Teddy is standing over Raven while she works. His tone is clipped in quiet rage. I've only heard it a handful of times, not even. Nothing good seems to happen when Teddy is allowed to simmer. When I'm allowed to simmer. Fuck agony and pain right now.

_I'm_  
_furious_.

The edges of my vision blur a little but I have to stay focused. I have to. Teddy squeezes my shoulder and assures me there'll be a time to lose impulse control. I already know it'll be worse than that day in the car. My last real day with Wells. I actually worry about what my anger could do at this point. It feels like I drank another bottle of whiskey but so much worse.

I hear Raven distantly talking to Anya. I refocus and she's gotten a bar, from where I'm not sure, jammed between the lock and the cell door and forcing it open.

She's helping Anya out when I hear the door. I hiss at them to get back inside. Raven crawls in first and huddles behind Anya. I close the door and just pray to whatever or whoever is listening that they don't notice the broken lock or us. Teddy is standing outside the cage. Proudly almost. He watches as Sing walks into the room. His face changes, there are scars again, shorter hair.

Sing walks slowly, she must notice the prisoners (subjects, victims?) are more active. They reach for her hair, her coat, anything they can reach. She stands toe to toe with Teddy and I wish she knew it. He reaches his hands up to her throat-his fingers curled, he drops them back down to his side a moment later. He turns to me after the Grounders spook her away, he has an odd look. " _She did all this and she doesn't care. She's evil, you know that now, you may have before."_

She leaves and I wait a moment before opening the cage again. Raven climbs out after me and turns to help Anya. The warrior doesn't seem like one to ever take help but she's quiet as Raven wraps her arm over her shoulder to help her along. I turn to Teddy, he nods to his left...my right...a door that says this is the end of containment. I pry it open and let them go ahead of me, I keep it open long enough to let Teddy slip by me. I don't need to, but I like to.

"Clarke." Raven sounds upset and desperate. I follow them into a small room with nothing but a metal plate on the floor. "What the hell do we do now? I'm not going back in there." The door closes behind us and I try and stop it, already knowing I couldn't. I could be as strong as I've ever imagined Teddy and still never budge this door.

An alarm sounds and lights go off. I step back, worried this whole thing is a trap. It is, just not the way I thought. The floor lets out from under us and it's a heart-stopping moment and a long plunge into darkness before we hit what must be a chute. I feel a little better about not falling to my immediate death but not knowing where this leads my relief is short lived.

A part of me must enjoy the ride though. I can hear Teddy behind me. He's laughing about the chute, maybe he's relieved to. That desperate kind right after you realize you should've or could've died but you didn't. That's how he laughs.

The chute leads to something hard. I hear Raven groan in pain, so does Anya. I hear a panicked sound after, I quickly look over and they're both looking at something with the same terrified look. I turn. It's bodies. At least a dozen of them.

Dead. Cold and hard and tossed without a care into...I'm not sure what we're in.

I was right about Mount Weather, and Anya was right to fear them. This is...insane.

I clamor to the edge, helping Raven to get up. Anya is looking at their faces. Raven looks back and offers her a hand. Anya looks like she's not sure if she wants to stay or go. "We have to go, we can't help any of the others if we stay here." Raven offers, that makes the warrior move. She takes Raven's hand and pulls herself out.

It's a cart. They have carts full of dead people. _People_.

" _Don't forget that Clarke_." How could I?

It's tense terrifying moments, maybe hours, wandering around down there. Convincing Anya that we have to go. Getting clothes and trying not to think which body they came off of. Anya insists there is no real 'we' or 'us'. Raven didn't help her because she knew the tunnels down here. She helped her because she likes her. Still for reasons I'm not sure I get. Anya is an entirely new level of intense down here and I don't blame her for even a millisecond.

"We all need each other Anya, you said Nontu could save us if he knew?"

She's quiet before nodding. I ask her who he is, for what feels like the tenth time already. She tells us that if we make it outside then that will be the time to tell us, but not before. Not locked under the Mountain.

There's a long moment of pretending to be dead. Turns out Reapers live under the Mountain. They must be making them somehow. It almost makes me cry, looking at the bodies they toss into the cart we hide in. I choke back a sob and close my eyes. The dark eyes that stare back at me will be in my nightmares tonight. If I even manage to sleep again.

This place was to perfect to be real, it always was. Teddy kept saying the walls felt wrong and he was right and now I know why. Do the people up there know about this and just live with it?

When we stop I get out first, Raven waits for Anya who's crouched over one of the bodies. He groans, still alive...barely breathing. Raven asks her what she's doing and tells her we need to hurry before they come back. " _Yu gonplei ste odon_." Their language again. I want to ask her what that means. Anya cradles his head gently, like this is the last thing she may ever do.

I see her grip tighten and flinch when she snaps his neck. Raven sits back on her heels, stunned. I think she gets it though. I think we both do, I feel Teddy behind me. He sighs. " _You shouldn't have to see all of this, none of us should."_ No, I need this truth too. It's hard but it's real and we deserve that much.

Once we get far enough away and put on the clothes we found I start to feel almost normal. Whatever normal is anymore. I ask Anya again about Nontu, again she tells me to wait.

"So...as far as first dates go this is way more intense than what I had in mind." Raven tries to keep her voice from cracking. Anya gives her a confused look. "A date is asking someone to do something with you because you like them." Raven explains. I think trying to talk at this point is her trying to stay calm. So much for that time and place rule, but I don't remind her. If this is how she copes with the Mountain's secrets then who am I to tell her to stop?

Anya is quiet for a short pause. "I threatened to kill you."

"She likes strong women." I offer quietly. We're walking in almost a triangle, Teddy makes it a square, standing to my left. His clothes are dark.

"She's right, I do. I think that meeting on the bridge went pretty okay until the end. I was making eyes at you, you were trying not to make eyes at me?"

"Do all your people use terms like this?"

"Sometimes. I'm a special breed though." I try not to laugh at Raven's answer. Worst time to flirt with anyone _ever_. I may have to remind her soon that we are kind of running for our lives. "You called me that Sky name...although now I think on it Skypecker may not be the compliment I think it is."

" _Skaipeka_ ," Anya corrects. "It means small bird."

Raven arches her shoulders up. "I get it, cause I'm short and my name is Raven." She pauses, looking at Anya. "Wait, that's a joke. You people know how to tell a joke?"

Anya looks confused again. "Joke?"

"Something you say to make other people laugh...oh my god did humanity forget about jokes?" Raven pretends to be offended. I keep having to remind myself this is still serious. That there are still Reapers in these tunnels.

"We don't have a word for that."

"Joke is the word."

They get quiet, the kind that ends up feeling awkward. At least to me. I glance at Teddy and he smirks, shrugging and at a loss for what to say. Anya glances back at me. "You were inside...what are they doing to us?"

I can't soften it for her it's just not possible. How do you gently tell someone their people are treated like less than human for their blood? "They need your blood for treatments. They can't handle the radiation outside like we can. They use the blood for radiation burns." I think to apologize but how do I say sorry for something I didn't do? How do you help comfort someone who must've lost hundreds of people to the enemy if not more.

Raven touches her arm, Anya doesn't pull away. "We have to go, we have to stick together."

"You only saved me because I know how to get back to your people from here, there is no we." Anya seems to hesitate but she pulls away after a beat. I tell her we don't have time for this, I turn to look towards what I hope is the end of the tunnel, when I turn back Anya is gone and Raven looks lost again.

"Raven? You just let her go?"

"Um yes, she's been trained since childhood to fight people, I barely know how to make a fist, I was not getting in her way." She eyes me like I've grown a second head.

" _She has a point."_ I glare at Teddy, I already knew that. He shrugs. " _All we can do is press forward and hope we meet up with her again. We can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do_." He waves an arm in the direction we'd come from, where Anya is headed. I can feel Raven's eyes on me. " _Do you have a better plan, because I'm all ears. We made it this far, there has to be a way out,_ "

"I get it!" I cut him off, I didn't meant to shout like that. He looks sad. "I'm sorry...you're right. Let's just go."

"What's the plan?" Raven asks, turning with me.

I swallow my nerves and rub the sweat from my palms onto my pants. "Teddy says all we can do is move forward. Let's just go and hope we meet Anya on the way out."

* * *

When the Reapers find us two people from the Mountain save us. When they tell us we're going in with the Grounders...Anya saves us. Raven throws herself at the woman and hugs her in relief. "I have never been so happy to see anybody!"

Anya looks uncomfortable and untangles the arms from around her neck. I think for a moment I see her cheeks flush with color but it's dark and when I look again it's gone. She tells us she found a way out and motions for us to follow. I glance at Raven as we run. "Never been so happy huh?" Teddy laughs from Anya's side.

"Well besides when I saw you in that dining hall, yeah." She cracks a smile, she seems less nervous. "We were about to be transfusion buddies, she saved our asses. Guess there is a _we_ after all."

I hear water and I also hear the other guards behind us. I think for a moment that maybe Anya just needs leverage for whoever she answers to but I ignore that voice. There's no time for it. We're all looking for freedom here. I grin when I see the sky as we round the corner but my stomach drops as we skid to a halt at the steep drop. My chest tightens in fear. It's hundreds of feet down into waters we can't even see. This can't be the only way.

It's a dam. I remember the hydro-electric dam Dante went on about when we first met.

I feel Raven clutch my arm, her nails bite into my skin. I ignore it and turn to Anya. "There has to be another way." She shakes her head and assures me there isn't one.

"You don't have anywhere to go." I glance over my shoulder at the guards. They're leveling guns at us. I turn back to Anya. She gives me a knowing look. She already knows how this ends and she doesn't hesitate a moment longer before jumping over the edge. Raven sobs and squeezes my arm tighter. I look to Teddy, he gives me the same look. He already knows.

" _Lose some control_." He grins. And he jumps.

"Clarke." I meet Raven's eyes. They're glossed over with tears. I take my arm from her grip and hold her hand. I ignore the guards that tell us is doesn't have to end like this because it does. It has to be _exactly_ like this. I blink away the flash of Charlotte throwing herself from the edge of that cliff.

"Pretend it's a spacewalk. We can't go back." I squeeze her hand tighter and she nods, blinking back tears.

We jump together. It feels like forever and my stomach is in my throat. I keep my eyes shut tight and never let go of Raven's hand.

It feels like serenity when we hit the water and I realize I'm still alive. Raven is unconscious, I catch a glimpse of her and pull her closer and up with me to the surface. She may have passed out on the way down or when we hit the water. It's freezing actually, maybe the rush of adrenaline is helping me move right now but I feel my body becoming sluggish. I spot Teddy waiting on the shore, he's soaked to the bone but grinning like a fool. I grin back.

I struggle for a moment to pull Raven out of the water when we reach him. I jump when a pair of hands grabs her and hauls her up. It's Anya. She picks Raven up easily and carries her away from the water, I follow quickly.

_"We did it."_ Teddy muses.

It's not over.

" _No, but this is a victory."_

Raven spits out a few gulps of water when Anya sets her down. She looks up at us, her eyes are unfocused but she mumbles a thank you before passing out again. I sit beside her and find I'm at a loss for what to do. We'll need dry clothes soon enough. I thank Anya again.

Something hard strikes me upside the head. I feel the rocks and dirt against my cheek and I find myself laying across from Raven. I struggle to stay awake, to move, to get back up...to ask why but I already know. I can feel Teddy behind me, gripping my shoulder and telling me I need to stay awake. He sounds close to tears. Something pushes my shoulder and I'm looking at the sky.

Anya's face swims in my sight and I feel something tight wrap around my wrists. "I told you there is no we. I need something to bring to _Heda_. You killed three hundred of my warriors. I can't show my face to either of them without a prize."

Her voice drifts in and out before I finally fall into darkness.

I dream of Teddy again, he's smaller now. We're kids again. He smiles and tells me it'll be okay. I believe him and smile back. I wish I could remember what day this happened on. It feels like it's slipping from me. His smile becomes tight and he tells me I need to get up. "This isn't over."

When I come to Raven is sitting up, wrists bound and watching me with worried eyes. I feel the tears on my face before she says anything and wipe them away. Anya doesn't wait for us to talk and leads the way to what I only assume is her Commander.

" _It_ was _a victory."_ Teddy frowns as he walks beside us. He looks torn between wanting to fight and knowing I couldn't take on this woman and really live if I wanted to, especially not now.

So he just walks. We just walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to post another chapter! I was binge watching Person of Interest, I'm torn between re-watching season 5 or just pretending that it doesn't exist. Then I binge watched Angel for a few seasons. 
> 
> Either way! I'm sorry it's been like two weeks. About another chapter and Lexa will be introduced. I know the road is long but I hope you'll hang tight with me.


	12. Travel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My irritation is bubbling closer to the surface, I feel my control slipping. I stumble for the umpteenth time and bite back a grumble of annoyance. My hands curl into fists. I need to stay calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own The 100, I do own Teddy still. One more chapter. 
> 
> The road is LONG I know and I'm sorry. Maybe one day I'll compress it or separate the works in a series I don't know yet, but I hope you keep reading with me. 
> 
> I'm sorry.

There's something about being bound and forced to keep moving (no matter how tired your legs get), by an already irritating warrior, that really brings out the frustration in a person. My head is still swimming and there's a headache throbbing at my temple from where Anya hit me. Teddy is shouting at her, that he hates her, that she's a bitch, that this isn't fair.

Raven slips between silence and trying to get Anya to explain who she intends to take us to. She gets the same grunt of 'Heda and Nontu' every single time she asks. She still keeps trying, making time to give the odd comment about how she assumes the date is off and if this means they can't 'go steady. Anya seemed confused by the last one.

My irritation is bubbling closer to the surface, I feel my control slipping. I stumble for the umpteenth time and bite back a grumble of annoyance. My hands curl into fists. I need to stay calm. I take a breath, but it still feels useless. I want Teddy to shut up but my thoughts are to loud and that means he is too.

Anya hisses at us to be quiet, says we're to loud. I feel like she's calling me fat for some reason but maybe that's just me. I bite back a nasty remark and tell her to let us go if we're so much trouble for her. She holds tight to the makeshift bindings and pulls a little harder. She may be more irritated than I am.

Teddy looks back at me, a passing thought. " _You burned three hundred of her people, she's the only one left to tell that story. She was also caged like an animal for a few days and bled to help weaker people compensate for said weakness. I think she's owed a little hostility, don't you?"_

I just want to help.

_"She doesn't want it. Maybe someday if this Heda she's taking you to doesn't murder us all. These things take time."_ I clench my fists again. I don't wan a lesson today. Not today. Not now. He goes back to insulting Anya.

Anya tugs and leads us to a brush, I follow her gaze and see Dante's people following us. Still. How?

The woman lets out a small grunt of anger and pulls us again. Raven sighs. "If it wasn't for extreme circumstances I may be into this." I glare at her, she shrugs.

We stop at a puddle, when I try and take a sip the warrior slaps it out of my hands. "This isn't to drink." I ask her why we've stopped then, my control still slipping through my fingers. She grabs a handful of the mud from the base of the puddle and before I can protest she presses it against my cheek, hard. Raven is trying not to laugh beside me.

"Damn." Raven is biting her lip. "Why the mud?"

"You reek. Use it to cover yourselves."

They either have a stronger sense of smell than we do, which I'm not sure is accurate because I see Raven smelling herself and she looks confused. Either way it goes I doubt that's how they're tracking us. This is helpful if they're using something with heat signatures which is much more likely. I don't mention it to Anya, I think this little act makes her feel a little better.

* * *

It feels like hours go by, being walked on a leash like an animal. I take deeper breaths and remember I'm not the only person at risk here. I let myself be calmed by Raven's poorly timed jokes and questions, maybe she's trying to keep me calm.

Teddy has been much less helpful than usual. I can't blame him for that though. He's just a reflection. My thoughts get loud so does he, I could try and shut him out (I did a few times along the way) but he always comes back. This is one of those times I wish I didn't have him with me. His constant talking is making me tired. I feel exhausted by the time Anya pulls us to another stop.

"How the hell are they still following us?" Raven turns to me for an idea, I honestly haven't had a clear one since the heat signature, but we're covered in mud so it shouldn't work. I shake my head, I have no solution to this.

Anya is quiet, thinking.

" _They have things the Grounders don't."_ Teddy whispers beside me. " _They had this kind of tech on the Ark, they used it in those bracelets they sent you down here with."_ I look at him. He holds up his wrist, a familiar silver bracer catches my blurred reflection. He looks at me expectantly.

Light bulb.

"Trackers." I mumble. Both brunettes turn to me. Anya is about to say something, judging from the curl in her lip it's nasty but I cut her off. "I don't mean like your people do. They're using a small piece of technology, it sends a signal to whoever placed it." I start to rub my arms. "It'll be a small bump just under the skin."

Turns out it was Anya's 'fault' they were following us so long. I can't blame her, how was she supposed to know? I just feel like being a little vindictive but I crush that impulse and offer to cut it out if we can just find something sharp. If I have learned _anything_ about Anya...it's that she's impatient and willing to do whatever's necessary to survive. She's a warrior.

Which is why I'm hardly surprised when she sinks her teeth into the skin around the tracker and rips it out. Raven gags behind me. "I didn't need to see that." She mumbles an 'oh my god' after and takes a deep breath.

Anya is unfazed. She simply states that she won't go back to the Mountain and continues to lead us away from the search party.

Raven still seems a little dazed. "She's uh...intense, isn't she?"

"You think?" I scoff.

"She's still a badass. I couldn't have done what she just did, neither could you. Maybe she can teach me to ignore my pain. It'd come in handy if they're gonna murder us."

I close my eyes for a moment and ask whatever powers that exist to give me a little more patience. Something must answer because my irritation changes to amusement. I glance at her before turning back ahead to step over a large root. "You have the strangest taste in other people."

"I like 'em a little weird, what can I say?"

"You realize in a relationship you'd be the weird one...right?"

"Even better." I roll my eyes but I feel myself smile all the same. I don't think I'd rather be captured with anybody else.

* * *

Teddy is quieting down. He whispers things in my ear but I refuse to allow myself to say any of them.

The area becomes familiar as I recognize the bend in the creek and a few odd shaped rocks. I notice Anya is still bleeding. I glance at Teddy over her shoulder, he nods quickly. It feels like a good idea but I'm not as strong as Anya is so this will have to really count. I offer to bandage her arm so it won't get infected.

I guess it's useful to have medical training, I know exactly where to hit Anya to wind her. While she looks down I step closer, she thinks it's to help. I bring my knee up and hit her hard in the gut. She doubles over, gasping. Raven doesn't say anything but I can almost feel her surprise.

" _Yeah! Fight!"_ I ignore him, and try not to smile. This is serious.

 I quickly undo the binding on my wrist and loop them around Anya's instead. I quip that she's my prisoner now and resist the urge to strike her across the temple like she did to me. That would just be petty. I untie Raven and use them to reinforce the knots I've made. The warrior is glaring at me, it almost burns. Instead of forcing her to her feet I wait for her to catch her breath.

"Okay that was pretty badass, Princess." Raven steps to my left. She frowns though afterwards. "Sorry."

Anya's eyebrows furrow. "Your friend seized an opportunity and you apologize?" She tugs at the bindings. I'm almost worried she'll go at them with her teeth. "You Sky People are confusing." I pull her to her feet and she almost seems complacent but I know she's planning on her first chance to kill me. If she wasn't before she is now.

I lead the way back to the drop ship. Maybe she knows (weak as we seem to be) two on one is still a bad idea.

I'm not at all prepared for it. I had a glance before we were taken to Mount Weather, but seeing it now, dust settled? There seems to be even more ashes and charred bones. The outside of the ship is scorched black. There's a pull in my stomach and my chest, and I wish for what feels like the hundredth time that things had been different. These are people that are never going to see their families again.

I did that. This.

Teddy is behind me, hand pressed to my shoulder. He's trying to comfort me. It isn't working. I'm not sure it ever could work, not after this.

_"War demands sacrifice."_ I'm tired of this.

How long until that's all that's left?

_"We should get Anya to talk to this Commander and Nontu, broker peace somehow? We have to try."_

Again, he sounded like my father. Doing the right thing because it's right. I agree with him. I watch him as he steps around me and walks towards the ship. He places his hand against the metal and looks back at me. " _This can't be for nothing. We still have people to find_." He nods to a patch of white against the black.

It's smeared from rain but I can barely make out my name. Our friends must still be out there. I bite back the hope that it's Finn and Bellamy. I can't have that nurtured just to be crushed.

"Clar-" I turn when I hear Raven start to call for me. Anya's made her move. She knocks Raven aside and (as predicted) bites off her bindings. She hits Raven again, harder. No matter how bad of an idea this is I have to help. I may be better at running but I'm not built for this kind of fighting. Her arm catches me across my forearms and the force has be staggering back.

I see Raven take a thick branch and try and use it to give us an advantage. Two on one against this woman is...more hopeless than I realized. Anya backs away just to give herself room to dodge the blows, I'm not sure I've ever seen a person move so easily in any kind of fight. This is her second nature. Maybe even her first.

There are moments Raven and I are both on the ground and I fight not to think about who I could be lying on. I taste blood in my mouth, my nose is bleeding.

_"She can't be in two places at once Clarke! Hold her attention, it just has to be for a moment."_

I doubt it'll work, this woman, warrior...breathes violence. I haven't seen anyone this relaxed in a fight. Not even Bellamy and he's built for this. The only way to get her focus may be to let her beat me to a pulp. Whatever works right? I grab a handful of ash and wait for her to stand over me before I throw it. She stumbles back in surprise and watches me get to my feet. I blink, to make sure I'm seeing what I'm seeing.

She's grinning at me. It's confident and calm, she's ready for however this ends. It's unsettling.

"I don't want to kill you Anya."

Her grin widens. "Then you're the one dying today."

I was right, the only real way to distract her is to let her hit me. I try fighting back but it's almost useless. Her lip is split open and there's a cut on her cheek, that's all I've got to show for my efforts. I grapple with her on the ground, fighting her hands away from my throat. Almost useless.

Between one blink and the next Raven has taken something, I'm not even sure what it was...a rock, a skull, and branch...to Anya's head. She collapses beside me with a groan. I choke for air for a moment before I notice the hand offered to me. If she hadn't been here I would probably be dead now. I sag against her side in relief. She grins at me before turning back to Anya.

"Still waiting on a proper date."

She holds her temple but doesn't get back up. I ask Raven how hard she hit her, she shrugs. Anya is still moving and alive but so are we. Her eyes meet Raven's and I swear she's smiling again.

"You surprise me _Skaipeka_."

"Thanks, I think."

I try and wipe the blood from my face but all it does is smear it. "I did most of the work for you." I try and ease the tension.

Raven smirks. "Is that what that was?" She motions to where Anya is simply blinking up at the sky now.

I nod. "Yeah. I was wearing her down, I had her where I wanted her. I was just about to do a uh...separate thing."

"Separate thing?" She's not buying it. Neither is Teddy judging from his laughter beside Anya. Traitor.

"Yeah. I was gonna use that bite she gave herself to hurt her then turn the tables. I was strategizing."

Raven nods and gives me a complacent face that tells me she'll go along with me but doesn't believe a word I've said. "You're right, I should've known that. We can wait for her to get back up for round five of Kicking our Asses if you want."

"No thanks." I shake my head, she's starting to crack up. I allow the humor to pass. I'm incredibly grateful to this girl. I hug her tight and she squeezes back just as hard. We'll have to find time to process everything that's happened soon. We have to figure out what to do with Anya and if at all possible anymore, see if she'll get us a meeting with her leaders.

I flinch when a light catches my eye and blinds me for a second. "Clarke!" She sounds happy. When I open my eyes again Raven is looking up, close to the way we came. There...just above the trees is...a balloon? "They're alive, it could be the ones from the Ark or even Finn and Bellamy or both." She's getting excited. "We have to check it out."

I agree.

After getting Anya back on her feet we set off, keeping a closer eye on her. Teddy seems excited to. He jumps between the trees and talks about having hope. I allow myself a smile at his display. His clothes are plain again, I must feel better.

* * *

It's nightfall by the time we reach the outside of what looks to be a makeshift camp from what's left of the Ark. Anya asks how many people are inside, I don't think she's really even asking me. Either way I tell her I hope there's a lot but that I don't know.

Raven makes the call to let the woman go. I could tell she felt bad abut before. I feel bad about the look on her face. She was afraid we'd march her in there and she'd trade one cage for another. "If we want peace...we aren't just going to trade you for it. That'll make it worse. I'm not...I'm not strong like you but I'm not weak either."

Anya eyes her and I take a step back to let them have...whatever this is.

"No you're not weak. You're strong in another way. Someone weak would have let me kill their friend while they ran."

"You say the sweetest things."

Anya's lips flinch upwards for a second before her face becomes impassive. "You did well...playing on my weakness in a fight. I won't let it happen again."

Raven grins. "Sure you won't." Her feet shuffle for a moment. "Look the only way we beat Mount Weather is by working together. You've tried for years and nothing's worked. Maybe you just need the right ally."

"We have Nontu."

"He may know the inside but he doesn't understand their technology or how to make enough of it like we do. One man can't be all you need in this fight."

Anya just stands for a moment before squaring her shoulders. "You have not met the Father yet, but you are right...we need more. The Commander was my second. I'll get an audience." I step closer. She glances at me and nods.

I hold out my hand, the last time I did this she looked at me like I was less than nothing. Unimportant. This time she looks at me with what seems like respect and a little amusement. She grips my forearm. I implore her to hurry and she nods. She glances back at Raven. "We'll have to see about this...date, you keep mentioning, next time we meet _Skaipeka_."

I don't have to look at her to see Ravens beaming smile. "You bet. Stay close to the trees, if our people see you they'll shoot and ask questions later." Anya nods at the advice and heads for the tree line. When she leaves our sight in the shadows we turn to each other. I let myself smile for real at this real first piece of good news in I can't remember how long. Finding the way out of the Mountain? Finding a fresh source of water?

"We got an audience with the leader."

"We?"

"Basically. Anya is good on her word. She has to much honor not to follow through." We head towards the Ark. "I cannot wait to get all this mud off of me, good tactics aside it's nasty."

I smile. I start to agree when a shot rings out. I stare as Raven hits the ground. It's only a moment and I'm at her side, hands scrabbling to see where she's been hit. Raven hisses and turns to face me. "Bastards!" She's holding the side of her face. I pull her hands away and breath in relief. The bullet has just grazed her cheek and take a small nick out of her right ear.

I hear them before I see them, they wouldn't know it was us, covered in mud and dressed like the Grounders do. I see a flash of light and feel a pain across my cheek before it black out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to make this a little shorter. I really am sorry about the wait, I'm a jerk I know. All will be revealed, unless you've already worked it out, good for you if you have. 
> 
> I added a lot of dialog to add some humor, I need it.   
> The back and forth between Raven and Clarke is a bit inspired by The Mighty Boosh.


	13. Finding A Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't think he'll forgive himself anytime soon, I think he's sorry but I also think he knows that isn't enough." Teddy answers.
> 
> "So how do we fix it?"
> 
> He shrugs. "I don't think we do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own The 100. Still own Teddy.
> 
> This chapter is really long, sorry!

I'm not sure where I am. It looks like the ocean. I look down and wish I could feel the sand under my feet. "Beaches are even nicer than the books show aren't they?" I turn and spot Teddy beside a tree, shading him from the sun. I smile and walk to meet him. It's been what feels like forever since we've talked.

 He smiles at me. His hair is longer, his shirt doesn't have any sleeves and he's wearing shorts today. He notices my gaze and holds out a leg. "I think I need some color, you never see me with any, I'm pasty."

"Pasty?"

"You know what pasty means." He smirks. "It's been a long few weeks huh?"

"I don't know if I'll ever get used to this, down here...the people, us..."

"People do what they will to survive Clarke."

"I don't want a lesson today." I shake my head and look back out at the water. He turns around altogether and stares at something behind us. I let my curiosity get the better of me and turn to follow his example. My breath leaves me in surprise.

It's a dilapidated tower. It looks like it was built from almost nothing. It looks at least a hundred feet high, maybe. We're to far away for me to see any real features. It just looks dark and sharp against the sun. It rests at the end of a steep incline at the end of a narrow valley of cliffs. "So we'll skip the lessons. What do you want to talk about?"

I shrug. "I don't know. Anything else?"

"I can do that."

* * *

My mom is here. She recognized me through the mud and blood on my face, I wasn't even sure it was her at first. I thought it was something like Teddy when I saw her. But her hands on my face told me she was real. Everything that came after was a little harder. As happy as I am to see my mom I still know my friends in Mount Weather are in danger. I don't have time to rest.

Talking to my mom, she tells me Finn and Bellamy were here...are here? Were here. I feel even more relieved. I take a moment to cry...I can't even help myself. Someone real, someone who can hold me just as tight. Before I realize it I'm sobbing into her shoulder and she's telling me it's okay. I want to believe that. That every poor choice I've made that cost someone their life...that it's okay.

I feel Teddy behind me on the cot. " _She can't absolve you anymore than I can Clarke. It'll fade eventually."_

Into what?

" _White noise? Forgiveness maybe?"_ I'm not ready to forgive myself yet, but I am ready for this. This moment of unloading my shoulders into tears and crying out my guilt.

I don't shower but I sit in a tub of cold water in what used to be the med bay, still is. Teddy (even though he doesn't need to) looks away to give me my imagined privacy. I feel better after the mud comes off, the blood washes out. I feel a little better. Raven stops by to see me before I get ready to sleep, dressed in fresh clothes. She's freshly washed too. There's a bandage on her ear. I hug her and ask her if she's okay. She assures me it's just a small thing. But Raven is Raven.

"It's like a battle scar, I'll make up a story to impress her with. Scars are hot right?" I roll my eyes and she grins at me. "Time and place rule doesn't apply here." She's right. I still tell her she never listens to that rule anyway. I ask her if she knows where the others that came here are, she tells me they left earlier without anybody realizing until over an hour later and search parties could only go so far.

"Everything okay?" I look up at my mom's voice. I give a half smile and nod. As okay as I feel right now they still need our help in that Mountain and we need to make plans to meet with the Commander and Nontu. That can wait until morning, Teddy whispers to me. He's in a loose pair of pants and a white shirt. He's tired. We're tired.

Exhausted. Drained.

I ask mom if it's okay that Raven sleep in here with me, even though she's doing much better than I am. he wasn't the one who got beat on my a warrior woman. She agrees. Raven presses one of the cots closer to mine. Mom sits between us. I don't remember falling asleep but when I wake up I can't remember getting more rest.

Raven leaves us a little after she wakes up. She promises to meet up with me when I'm ready later.

Just me and mom. And Teddy but she doesn't know that...I don't think. I may have mentioned it as a child but I don't remember anymore. He seems less hostile towards her than the last time I'd seen her. Maybe that hostility was me recognizing what she'd done and not wanting to admit it. To anyone.

I sit up, mom tells me what's been going on while urging me to slow down. I can feel my ribs protesting my movement. I tell mom we need to move against the Mountain, that there's a woman, Anya, trying to work out a deal for us to work together. She continues to tell me I need rest. I tell her I'm fine. Teddy agrees with me. he says I have the right idea. He stands by the doorway, ready to leave when I am.

Raven is waiting outside. She tells me she's got to wait to see Sinclair, they're busy with something I don't entirely grasp right now. My head may still be a little foggy. If I didn't have a concussion before, which I'm sure I did, I have one now. Gotta be more careful about that. "They're saying someone is outside. They think it's one of us, maybe more." She seems excited that it could be Finn.

"Come on." I take her hand and we head for the gate together. It's Bellamy and Octavia, they have a girl I don't recognize. He smiles when we reach him. I hug him, I never thought I would. Ever since that drug trip to that bunk it's been changing. He's a friend. He hugs me back. Raven even hugs him and they got off to a terrible start.

_"Three cheers for character development."_ Teddy muses.

We both hug Octavia, she seems happier to see Raven than me but I don't blame her. After the exchange it mellows and becomes a little cold when I notice Finn isn't with him. Raven asks first. "Bellamy?"

He looks guilty, worried, sorry...he shrugs. "I tried to get him to come back with us. He took Murphy with him. Where were you?"

"Mount Weather, long story." Raven cuts in, impatient. She's worried. More than before.

"I...he's out there looking for you two. he thinks the Grounders have you, have had you the whole time. He's been..." he pauses to search for a word. "Intense."

"Finn wouldn't hurt anybody, he wanted peace with the Grounders more than any of us." Raven shakes her head. I try to imagine this version of Finn. I can't, it looks close to the Teddy I see with scars and long hair. I can't see Finn that way. He was to...good.

Bellamy is at a loss. He doesn't tell us something and I can tell from the way he won't look at Raven. We'll have to talk about it later.

After a waiting for a meeting with the council to end mom meets, Raven, Bellamy, and I outside the chamber. She tells us they can't risk going after Finn and Murphy when the Chancellor is out there and potentially in danger. I argue that if Finn and Murphy are looking for us with the Grounders they may just make it all worse if we cut them loose. She won't hear me. They have their priorities.

When she leaves I glance at Raven. She already agrees with me. She's more worried about Finn, so am I but if they attack anyone we're looking at a war we'll never win. We may not even last a month. Ammo is not immeasurable.

* * *

 Raven helps us get through the electric fences. She'd run into an old 'friend' she used the term loosely but she was happy to see familiar faces. She'd convinced him to cut the power to the fence for a short time. She says she described it as life or death, which is true. Octavia comes with us because the closest village is a place called Ton DC. She says it's where Lincoln is from.

"Washington DC?" Raven mumbles as we sneak between the wires. "Always wanted to go. Would've been cool to see it in its heyday."

It's about a days trip away. Tops. Octavia is more sure out here than she ever was on the Ark. She's found her purpose, it makes me happy for her. We camp at night for only a few hours. I barely sleep. It's in and out, fitful. After a few minutes I kept jerking awake, worried I'd overslept just to find out it'd only been about twenty minutes or less. Raven isn't doing any better, I see her flinching awake when I can't sleep anymore.

"This sucks." She grumbles. Teddy agrees. He sits against my side by the fire. It's comforting.

We wait in silence while the others sleep. We set out when the sun barely peaks. The sky is still a dark blue.

I don't know what we'll find, or even if we'll find our friends because there's every possibility they didn't find us at Ton DC and kept moving. I still hope for the best but Teddy is dressed in dark clothes and prepared for the worst we may find. Octavia stops and we stop with her. She points ahead, tells us we're close.

"Awesome." Raven walks a few feet ahead. I can't tell who it is from here but judging from the books I've read I'm sure this is a statue of Abraham Lincoln. I'm in awe of what's left of the detail. Besides some moss and a few chips here and there he is perfectly intact. Someday I want to study it closer for a drawing, but today isn't that day.

We give the siblings a moment of quiet when Octavia cries that she couldn't save Lincoln. We set off again after a few moments. Maybe everybody needs a good cry with someone they love.

We don't walk for much longer before we hear the gunshots. Teddy charges ahead of us, Raven at my side. It's a gun...Grounders don't use guns. I feel panic rise in my chest. This is going to make it so much worse.

I see them through the trees. I blink back tears. Finn meets our eyes and lowers his gun, he looks lost. Raven follows me as we walk...he gunned these people down. I bite back more tears. These are kids and the elderly. There's maybe two or three healthy adults laying dead, blood on their lips. Octavia rushes ahead and leans beside a man holding a boy in his arms.

Finn did this. Not Murphy not some stranger...Finn. He watches us, unmoving. My chest hurts. Teddy is leaning over a few of the villagers. He looks at me. " _I didn't think he could do something like this. Bellamy was right_." This wasn't intense, this was...insane. Raven and I stop a couple feet away from him. He opens his mouth to speak but still looks lost. He catches Raven's eyes and steps closer to her, she steps back.

She looks afraid.

* * *

I've all but ignored Finn since we left Ton DC and made our way back to the Ark. Raven has done the same. Finn himself seemed almost in a trance as he and Murphy followed us back. He and Murphy are summoned by the Council. I fill Bellamy in on the map and layout of the Mountain while they meet. Raven sits beside us and looks like she's ready to be sick.

Bellamy tries to make it easier on us when we spot Finn and Murphy being released. He tells us we're at war and we've all done things we aren't proud of.

"You and Clarke never shot up a village of kids and the elderly." Raven snaps. "We fought warriors," she pauses. "At least we saved the ones who weren't." She means Tris. "Finn had the most hope for us all to live some kind of peace and then...this? I don't understand."

He walks up to us from across the way, he looks nervous now. Bellamy glances at Raven then me. He gets up and laves us alone. Finn sits slowly, I feel Raven press closer to my side. Even Teddy looks nervous but he sits beside Finn and tells him he better stay calm. Finn, of course, ignores Teddy and focuses on the map I've been working on of Mount Weather. He seems to want to act like nothing has happened. 

I can't even meet his eyes, Raven refuses to look at him at all.

Murphy comes up then and brags that they've been pardoned. I can't believe that. Just because they weren't our people they get away with it...he gets away with it. Teddy looks at me, I look back in favor of looking at Finn.

" _Does he really get away with it?"_ He looks back at Finn. I still can't look at him, he looks more like he's realizing what he's done. His eyes are darker than before, his shoulders sag under a weight nobody can see. I just...can't look at him. Where's the boy who got so upset over not trying hard enough to make peace? I miss him.

"We did what we had to do." Finn says softly, he's looking at Raven. Finally...finally she looks back. She's angry.

"Don't you dare. That was a village full of kids and people to old to lift a weapon! There were kids just a few years younger than us that just wanted to protect their home! You didn't have to kill them but you..." She stands, everyone nearby is turning to look. "Did what you had to do," she mocks. "Who the hell are you?" She steps away from the table and all but runs in the opposite direction.

She needs to be alone more than she needs me. Teddy agrees and we stay put. Finn leaves just after Raven does and then so does Murphy.

"He can't make this okay by saying things like that." I mumble. He can't.

_"I don't think he'll forgive himself anytime soon, I think he's sorry but I also think he knows that isn't enough."_ Teddy answers.

"So how do we fix it?"

He shrugs. " _I don't think_ we _do."_

* * *

Hours later Raven finds me, I don't ask if she's okay because I know she's not. Finn is...was-is her best friend. She's far more hurt by this than me and I won't coddle her because she doesn't need it. She tells me she's been to see Sinclair and Wick and that they figured out why we haven't heard anything from the other stations. She explains that Mount Weather is jamming the signals. I follow her to Sinclair's workshop, or as close to it as one can get at a crash site.

She explains that a frequency is on every channel and that if she can get to the tower making the signal she can probably blow it up, I don't ask if she means that literally or not.

Mom interrupts us before we can make any kind of plan on how to deal with it. She tells me we aren't soldiers. I glare at her for a moment when she says it puts lives at risk. "Like the ones from that village Finn and Murphy were at?" She looks surprised for a moment but clenches her jaw.

"That was unfortunate Clarke, but" Raven cuts her off.

"Unfortunate? Not all of the Grounders are soldiers or warriors or out for blood. He killed innocent people...there has to be some kind of consequence."

Mom apologizes again and after a promise (I know is a lie) to revisit the issue after we've rescued al of our people, she gets back to the topic of staying put and not acting out anymore. "Mount Weather is jamming our signals mom, there could be dozens of our people out there that need help. People with more supplies more guards. Until Anya gets us word about their leader or Kane shows up...we're just fighting a two front war. We need this information."

She seems more interested now. "Anya?"

"Only the best fighter ever...and brave. She bit a tracker out of her own arm." Raven gushes for a moment, forgetting about Ton DC. I remind her about the rule and she apologizes. "Anyway Clarke is right. Even if a signal is being sent from an empty station they could still have resources we may need."

A few more minutes of arguing and my mom sighs before giving me a look. "You won't let this go will you?"

Teddy whispers something a little more colorful in my ear and I wind it down. "Not until my friends are safe." She gives me a look and it feels like she's not really seeing me. Maybe my father, I'm not sure and I don't ask. We'll still have to have a real sit down and talk about him sometime but that isn't today either. She agrees to let us go but only so long as she comes with us.

* * *

 It's a long night and slow morning of packing supplies to head for the tower. The council allows Finn to come with, he's our best tracker. As good as Raven's gotten it'd still take us longer to get there. Octavia is furious he's allowed to join us. Raven seems to share the sentiment. Besides anger I'm not sure what to feel. Maybe sorry for him that he felt he ever had to do something like that.

He stops trying to make contact with Raven after two failed attempts and trudges alone ahead of us.

Bellamy calls instructions to the ones new to how the grounders operate. Mom falls into step beside me and tries to talk about Finn for a moment. It doesn't last long. Eventually we lapse into silence and she just walks beside me. Angry as I ever was I still missed her.

At a clearing we stop and let raven get a view of what we're looking for, she points it out at the top of the Mountain. I can hardly see it through the fog. " _Smart as they are they can't see us in the dark and we can't see them, strategize_."

I glance at mom, hoping she'll listen to me. "We should camp here and set out a little bit before first light. There's to much we can get stuck on to move at night." Like a fifteen foot drop off a cliff to far to one side. Besides the natural dangers if we moved at night they'd see our lights and send a few guards to get rid of us. I don't have to get into all of that as she nods and we go about setting things up for the nights.

There's still a few hours of daytime left.

She turns to me after a moment, irritation in her eyes. "We're missing two." She calls to the guards. After a moment I tell her they went to find a way inside. She looks angry at that. I can't find it in me to care, not if it saves my friends. She sends three guards to go and find them, Finn tries to go with them. Tries.

I don't trust him with a gun...I'm almost ashamed to say I don't trust him at all right now. When Raven stops him he looks confused and a little angry. He doesn't look at me. He hadn't been out there for me, he was looking for his friend, his best friend. I think he's hurt that she can't trust him. She can't think of a good reason he should stay besides needing people to help set up camp.

"You mean so you can watch my every move right?"

She can still can't seem to meet his eyes. He shakes his head. "You would have to be able to look at me to do that Raven." She tries to calm him down but she still can't look at him. He flinches away from the tone, the pity and shame, in her voice. He snaps at her before stalking away and tossing the gun aside. With a glance at me she follows him quickly.

Able to look at him or not she has to find a way to reach him.

"What's that noise?" I turn to mom, she's watching the mountain with confusion. She turns back to me. "Do you hear that?" I listen. It's a high pitched shriek, that's not what scares me. It's the number of birds suddenly flying overhead in the opposite direction. Teddy groans. " _I guess they saw us anyway."_

I'm glad I insisted on the tents, we haven't had acid fog in a while. I sit awkwardly beside mom in the small space the tent allows as the fog curls around us. We've talked about dad, but it's different in person. I know she wants to have that real talk face to face and maybe that's why it feels awkward. Maybe that's why I imagine Teddy outside so I won't be distracted.

_"It's cool...not at all offended_." He calls from outside. I ignore him.

She silent for a long time before she takes a deep breath. "I know it doesn't make it okay or help in anyway but I am sorry Clarke. That was never supposed to happen to your father."

"You said that." I mumble.

"I know I did, but I want you to hear it from me now. Jaha was supposed to talk him out of it, not...not float him."

"Kill him." I look at her. "You may as well say it." She blinks back tears and nods but doesn't repeat my words. "Why didn't you talk him out of it?" That was what I needed to really know.

"I tried. Those arguments were after several other attempts. I never meant for it to get like that, neither did he. I knew him sending out that video would just get him killed so I thought maybe if I couldn't talk him out of it his friend could but...I guess I trusted _him_ to much." She looks down, turning her wedding band on her finger again and again. "You weren't...it wasn't..."

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

"He wanted to do the right thing mom, that's why I'm trying to make peace with the Grounders and looking for other ways into the mountain. Leaving them in there is wrong and you know that. It's why you're here too." She watches me in a long silence. I get that same feeling from before, that she's looking at somebody else. She nods.

This will _always_ be between us, but today it feels a little better.

* * *

Hours later the fog lifts and we collapse the tents. My shoulders feel lighter. Teddy grins at me from his place sitting by a large rock. _"All's well that ends well?"_

Something like that.

He chuckles.

Bellamy and Octavia still aren't back and I try not to worry about them. They're built for this, especially Octavia. if anybody can find a way to survive acid fog it's her.

"Clarke," I look up and see Raven and Finn coming from what must've been a bunker, they were to far away and Raven forgot most of her pack. She still seems nervous around him. I hug her as she all but hops over to me. "It won't be okay," she mumbles into my ear. I pull away and look at her, confused. "He says it was an accident. A part of me believes him but...he still did what he did. He's sorry and it'll never be okay but...maybe someday I can look passed it."

She still thinks he needs a consequence. I agree, but if the Grounders know about the massacre and I'm sure they do...it's not our place to judge him.

They talk only in small bursts as we make our way back to camp.

On the way Raven tells me she found a way to listen in on Mount Weather instead of blowing it. I tell her it was the right call, after we figure all of this out we can start to loo for the other stations. It gives me some hope. I smile at the remains of the Ark as we stop outside the gate.

"Help!" The guards are on alert, guns aimed and ready at the shout. It's a man...I can't tell much else. He calls for help again. I watch as Chancellor Jaha emerges from the brush and holds up his hands. His face is bloody and cut. He collapses as he takes in what's left of our people here. "I have a message...from the Commander. Leave. or die."

Raven and I exchange a worried glance. I know we're thinking the same thing, Anya either failed to convince them or got their to late.

* * *

Raven and Finn wait outside with me while mom talks to Jaha about the Commander and what we should do. My feet shuffle and I begin to feel anxious. I still haven't given up hope that Anya will come through for us somehow, and Kane is still out there. Jaha says they shared a cell...what did the Commander want with him that kept him longer than Jaha. 

The door to the chamber opens and they step out, he looks irritated, mom looks worried. She addresses the rumor of the threat and that they're looking through every option. He forcibly takes the reigns of her speech. She catches my eye in the crowd, I frown. He wants everyone to pack, to be ready to leave as soon as possible and abandon Kane and the people still in Mount Weather.

" _Coward_." Teddy scoffs beside me. His shirt is red.

He continues to tell us of a 'City of Light' across the desert. He seems sure we'll make it to this place he isn't even sure exists. I see people around me becoming dubious of his idea and a little angry. They don't say anything, they don't have people whispering into their ear. I have Teddy. I need his confidence to say what they won't.

"What about the people in Mount Weather? Those are people's kids. Their kids. You're asking them to abandon them."

He looks upset that I question him. I think he saw my father when he looked at me for a second. He continues to almost preach the idea of leaving being the only valid option. I shake my head. I go to follow after them as they return to discuss more options but a hand stops me. I turn, surprised.

"Bellamy, where have you been?" He looks tired, there's dirt on his face. He tells me they've been at the drop ship and I need to come with him, to bring a med kit and meet him by the gate. I glance at Finn when he leaves.

"I did this." Finn mutters, he lowers his head.

"You did." I agree, he looks hurt but understanding. "But the only way out is forward." I assure him. An old lesson.

He sighs with a nod. "Go with him...if anything changes I'll meet you."

* * *

Raven tags along, I don't think she wants to be alone with Finn anymore right now and Wick is still a loose term friend. I follow her to the upper level of the ship and offer Octavia a weak smile, still unsure why I'm here.

Chains rattle and suddenly Lincoln is snarling, lunging from the shadows. Raven almost falls down through the hatch. "Holy shit!" She throws her hands up in panic. I'm lucky to keep my balance. This is far worse than anything Bellamy could have prepared me for. Bellamy climbs up after us, telling us it's okay and he's been restrained. I flinch as Lincoln lunges again, teeth gnashing. 

His eyes are bloodshot, his neck and mouth are covered in dry blood and I almost hope it's his. He screams as he pulls hard on his restraints. He's pulling hard enough he could dislocate a shoulder. He's rabid. He's a reaper. 

Octavia asks if I can help him. She looks more lost than Finn did the other day after Ton DC. "I don't know...I don't know where to start." I shake my head. If they did this to Lincoln...what the hell are they doing to our friends? I bite down my panic and try to think clearly.

After getting a little to close and finding out the hard way how strong Lincoln is, and deciding its best to bind him to the floor rather than restrain him upright...I figure out Mount Weather has drugged him. With what, I don't think I want to know. Whatever it is he's going through withdrawal and there's no making that easier. I have Bellamy and Raven help me hold him down as I get the bullet out of his leg.

_"This fucking sucks."_ Teddy mutters. He sits curled up against the wall and refuses to come any closer. I don't blame him.

Octavia brings in a man with tattoos on his face. She calls him Nyko, he says he can help Lincoln. He knows more about the Reapers than we do so I don't see the harm in letting him help. Lincoln still writhes on the floor and snaps at anyone who gets to close. He starts to seize. Again. I press his shoulder so he doesn't choke on his back. Nyko takes out a pack of vials. I ask him what on he's giving to him.

" _Yu gonplei ste odon."_ Nyko mumbles slowly to his friend...old friend-still friend. I grab his hand before he can give it to Lincoln. Bellamy aims his gun a him when the healer takes out his knife. I glare at him. "They say that before someone dies. I heard Anya say it on our way out of the mountain." I explain.

"He's your friend, why try and kill him?" Raven takes his knife.

Nyko is quiet, trying to find a way for us to understand. "There is no cure for this. Not when they do this to us. Death is all that's left." He looks at Octavia with sad eyes.

I hear something bellow. Raven clutches the knife and stands beside the ladder. She's tense before she relaxes, only just. "We have to go, the camp is leaving." It's Finn. He got here faster than we did, he must've run.

"You!" Nyko is on him faster than I can blink. He pins Finn against the wall. "You slaughtered my people! They were innocent and you murdered them!" Finn begins to go pale, he doesn't release his grip even as Raven and Octavia try to pry him away. Bellamy is threatening to shoot him and in the chaos of noise I find a sense of calm as I grab one of the stun batons and hit Nyko with it. He drops immediately. Finn gasps for air. I can't feel terribly bad for him. 

Raven leads him bellow.

In the chaos Lincoln's seizing had finally gotten the better of him and he stopped breathing. I move Octavia out of the way. I have to press just a little bit harder but I hope the chest compressions work. I'm not sure what Octavia will do if they don't. She looks...more than grateful when he beings to breath again. Nyko asks me how I did it.

"Did the reapers you bring back die like this?" He nods. "It is withdrawal. We just have to keep them alive long enough to get the drug out of their system. It'll be a while yet for him but...I think he'll be okay." I nod to Octavia. I hope it's that easy, I ignore Teddy when he tells me it probably won't be. I'm tired of imagining him as a pessimist. It gets annoying much faster.

 This whole thing, however; may be a blessing in disguise. Bellamy asks me what I'm thinking. I tell him I figured out a way to stop the attack.

* * *

Finn stops me before we can go back to camp, Bellamy and Octavia are staying behind to make sure nothing goes wrong. I check the bruises on his neck, he looks at me, eyes terrified. It's not me he's terrified of. "He won't be like he was before. He can't be." He whispers. He isn't really talking to me either. "I made a mistake...how do I fix all of this?"

"You don't." I answer simply. I'm not angry. I'm hurt now. Disappointed. "I'm going to offer them a way to turn the reapers back. Maybe it won't be equal but if it gets them to call off the attack it's a start. I still believe Anya can help us."

"I hope you're right." He mumbles.

"If we can save him we can save you too." I try and assure him. He shakes his head.

"I have to save myself this time Clarke. Nobody can protect me from people like Nyko, he deserves that anger. He was right."

I don't want to hear anymore. Forgiveness was still a long shot, forgetting was impossible...but maybe someday we can find some way to make it less painful. "Come on."

* * *

 I walk behind Raven and Finn who in turn walk in silence. This is just like what happened with dad. It'll always be between us.

 " _Who knows Clarke, someday you might find a way to live with it. Live at all."_ He sighs.

 How do you live with something like that on you? 

" _How do you live with killing a man to get back to your friends?_ " It hurts that he brings it up. With it comes the image of Wells, cold and pale in the morning. Charlotte throwing herself off a cliff to save herself and us. _"How does anyone live with the things they do? Finn is an extreme case and we both know whatever justice they have...it is thier's to give_."

I killed over three hundred Grounders in a ring of fire. How am I not more deserving of their justice?

_"Those weren't children or the elderly...they were unarmed and innocent of whatever war was going on around them. It is not the same. You know that."_

I do. It doesn't make it better or okay. Teddy tells me it isn't supposed to.

* * *

Mom is worried when we get back, demands to know where I've been. I tell her I know how to stop the attack. I explain that I figured out something we can offer them in return for their own survival and our own. Before I can explain more Raven calls me. I turn, she's by the fence.

"Pretty sure they're here." She looks back towards the trees. There's a lone fire out in the distance. It multiplies quickly. There must be thousands out there in the darkness.  I have to end this while we still have a chance.

I'm still not sure why Jaha is meeting with us while my mom is acting chancellor, but he seems intent to add his belief that we just need to run. "Anya is out there, the Commander was her second, she'll be out there she swore she would."

"That's a promise from the enemy." Jaha scoffs.

"She's not the enemy, Mount Weather is. The enemy of my enemy is my friend...we need them just as much as they need us. Let me go and meet with the Commander, we finally have something to offer that has real value for them." I turn back to my mom and look at her with what must be hope because her resolve is crumbling.

"The detox alone could kill him, especially not knowing what he's coming down from. I go and help him...what happens if I can't?"

The silence only lasts a second but it feels like forever. "That's not an option."

In the end, despite Jaha's complaints and assurance that we'll come back (which we all knew was a lie), mom finally agrees to let me meet the Commander. Jaha is escorted out after demanding we be placed under temporary arrest. That didn't work.

There's a small hope in me that this Father is there too and we can have a real chance at winning this fight. I have to go alone this time. No Raven or Finn or even Bellamy to back me up. Mom is to important to risk going into the heart of this with me. I'm terrified, the Commander may simply end up killing me right then and there. I'm honestly not sure how much worse this could get. I glance at Teddy over her shoulder. He's dressed in his guard uniform.

Not completely alone.

_"You can do this."_

Failure isn't an option.

* * *

Finn takes mom to meet Bellamy and Octavia. Raven tries again to let her come with me. I refuse again. "Princess this is...really bad." I nod. "I won't even get to see Anya before I die if this goes badly." She grumbles, I offer her a halfhearted smile. She returns it. I glance at her ear.

"She'll like the scar I think." I smirk. She grins.

"Chicks love scars." She jokes.

She waits with me by the gate until first light. There are hundreds of them waiting out there. If this doesn't work we won't last the night. I stand and before I leave she hugs me tight. "If you die I get Teddy."

"Deal." I mumble back.

_"Hey!"_

Jokes aside I can see she's struggling not to cry. We'll all die if this doesn't work. I can't take failure. I won't. I squeeze her hand before I head out of the gates. There's a small group of Grounders waiting for me. They part,

"Anya." I almost smile. She nods at me. Her war paint is on today, not good. "Is this good or bad or a little of both?" I ask before she turns to escort me.

"It depends." I don't ask on what. I follow her in silence. She stops outside the largest tent, the others step away from us as a large man all but looms over me.

"I'll kill you if you so much as look at her wrong." He assures me. I swallow my fear and nod my understanding. Anya says something to him in their language, I can't even begin to understand. Anya turns to me finally and motions for me to enter. Teddy is glued to my side as we step inside.

Jaha had mentioned the Commander was a woman, a girl as he called her.

I was prepared for...not this. She had to be a few years older than me, the black paint across her eyes made her much more terrifying. She sat on a throne, legs crossed at the knee. She played with a knife while she waited for me to approach, eyes down. When someone says Commander they don't picture a girl with long dark hair, pale skin, no scars (not like the woman beside her). She was not who I imagined she'd be at all. I'm not sure if I should be happy about that or more terrified.

 " _I don't know if I should be scared or turned on."_ Teddy mumbles, stepping closer. I want to tell him to shut up, and decide maybe he shouldn't talk. He sighs and steps behind me.

" _You_ burned three hundred of my warriors alive?" Finally, finally she looks up from her knife. Her eyes are green and there's what looks like a gear settled between her eyebrows. I swallow. She seems surprised, her voice was toneless but I heard it anyway. She looks at me and sees what Anya saw...what Sing saw. Someone weak and unimpressive.

I shrug. " _You_ sent them there to die." That makes an impression, she raises her head and plants the blade of her knife into the arm of her throne. Her face is impassive. Stone. She watches me carefully. She's studying the enemy. I force my body to stay still, my eyes not to tick to the side in nervousness. Something close to amusement flickers in her eyes before it's gone a second later.

So this is the Commander. Despite my expectations, she overshot all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to separate this into a small series. You can skip through it or skip it altogether. I wanted to build this backstory with Teddy and Clarke, I'll probably edit it all down to a few chapters eventually but not now. In the next part I'll have a few more past moments between them.
> 
> I apologize for any redundancy. For those who stuck with me to explore this...really long thing, thank you. I'll start the next one soon!
> 
> Also! I don't like Jaha, I just don't. He's always struck me as a bit of a fanatic and really needing everything to mean something. I'm not saying I hate him I just think he should've had a more positive character development.


End file.
